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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to find this very cheeky?

69 replies

fedupfedup · 26/01/2014 10:32

An old friend of mine is getting married abroad later this year. Sadly (for me and probably most wedding guests) she was determined that only a tropical beach wedding would suffice. So all the guests (around 25) are paying for flights, hotels, booking time off work to attend. I've just received the official invitation, which asks for money rather than gifts as presents.

Normally I'm not against travel vouchers/ a gift list and am happy to buy something. In this case though, having forked out hundreds of pounds to attend a wedding, surely guests should be told NOT to buy a gift, rather than being asked for cash that will be spent on a honeymoon? Oh and btw, the honeymoon is not an extension to the overseas wedding, it's a separate holiday for bride and groom...

OP posts:

Purplepoodle · 26/01/2014 22:58

She can ask but you don't have to give. Isn't it just a standard thing to go on invites?

whereisshe · 26/01/2014 23:06

I think it depends on the friend. If one of my friends was close enough for me to fly a long way for their wedding, I'd also buy them a gift. If it wasn't a close friend I wouldn't go to the wedding...

MrsKoala · 26/01/2014 23:35

A friend of mine had a wedding in a scottish castle in the middle of nowhere. The cost of attending was close to £1000 per couple and 2 days of your annual leave allocation. It wasn't anywhere you could tag on a holiday without spending a lot more. I didn't go, but friends did. The couple had sent out a really pricey present list and i asked my friends what they were getting. All friends laughed and said they couldn't possibly really expect a gift too. WRONG! The couple were furious NO ONE bought them a present. The fact that no one bought them a gift should have been a clue that it was unreasonable to expect one - but no, they proceeded to whinge on that no one had bought anything and how ungrateful they were after they had invited them to their amazing wedding. Some people have no concept of reality.

MissBattleaxe · 26/01/2014 23:44

Mrs Koala- that couple were massively taking the piss!

Financeprincess · 26/01/2014 23:49

I would love to see the "give us money" poem.

"We're getting married overseas
And we would like your money please
Join us on our special day
Even though it's miles away
You can pay for your own hotel
And your expensive flights as well
Nevertheless we want more cash
So you can help pay for our bash"

Leeds2 · 26/01/2014 23:51

YANBU at all.

And, if I were to buy a gift for such an occasion, it would be one of those gift cards from Oxfam, not a contibution to a honeymoon.

caruthers · 26/01/2014 23:51

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't buy her a present she sounds selfish and greedy.

Get rid of her.

MrsKoala · 26/01/2014 23:53

I know Battleaxe. Whenever i'm feeling a bit down i often think of their puce outraged faces and it cheers me right up

FootieOnTheTelly · 27/01/2014 00:01

Mmm, I am not sure about this one. Surely, it's an 'invitation' and you have a choice to go or to decline. It seems a bit mean to go but to complain about it. Of course, if you had chosen not to go she should accept it with good grace.

I always find it a bit to request any type of present but maybe some of the other guests have asked. I am trying to be positive, here

So YANBU to find it cheeky BUT you are. Being a bit 'U' accepting the invitation if you don't won't to go.

AlfAlf · 27/01/2014 00:09

Love financeprincess's poem :)

I've been to lots of weddings, but have never seen mention of gifts/money in an invitation. That alone is really bad form, but especially begging asking for money

I have been abroad for a wedding once, we tagged it onto our summer holiday (Italy) and it was lovely, but we wouldn't have gone if it didn't work for us. Nearly eight years ago now, but I think we gave a cash gift too, but definitely weren't told to

Anyway, YANBU!

expatinscotland · 27/01/2014 00:16

I wouldn't bother going.

My ex h's brother married this incredibly rich woman. They decided to get married in this exotic beach locale over a holiday weekend.

Fucking hell, we had just worked flat out for 5 years to save for a deposit on a terrace house and the tickets alone were £1000 each, plus, it was in an exclusive, gated community, where it was dangerous to stay outside it.

I told ex h just to go on his own and stay with his parents. He was like, no! So I told him he needed to speak to his brother, otherwise, no way I could go. The wedding was 4 weeks before Xmas, too, when we needed to use a week of annual leave because the office was shutting and we only had another week's worth.

He did, tail between his legs. The future FIL was like, 'Why didn't you just say? Haahaaa!' And sent his jet after us, on rounds picking up others and put us up in one of the many holiday villas he had on the compound.

But they did not expect gifts. FFS, the bride's father gave them a house in a very expensive place as a wedding gift.

ZenNudist · 27/01/2014 00:40

Did she expect you to attend? Was there no choice but to go? Did she really order money, or did she say you'd be welcome to attend but she'd understand if you couldn't come and say gift optional but if you get us something pls give cash?

I got married abroad (Europe) I only invited a few close friends & family. I was very flexible on them coming (eg my dbro couldn't make it, due to being in army, I didn't mind). I tried to actively discourage all the people who offered to travel saying I was having UK bash too & wanted to keep wedding small.

I sent gift list to everyone with a standard, please don't feel you have to get us anything wording. It just seemed sensible and fairly routine for all weddings I've ever been to.

I hate being asked for cash, full stop. Worse in this case somehow if you're spending thousands on going!

I said to everyone to only come if they felt it would be worth having a holiday there. I said I get one day, its still your holiday. In fact we paid for lots of group meals as well as wedding food & drink and we all had fun together.

How much of an obligation was this wedding? It's ok not to get a gift btw. Lots of people don't.

EugenesAxe · 27/01/2014 02:59

I think tethers has the right idea. I hope she is thinking along the lines of a bluff, as if your friend then chose honeymoon money I would respond 'Ah - well then it seems you aren't much of a friend, so I'll leave it if that's OK.'

Alternatively I'd just send a card explaining you can only afford the cost of attending her wedding.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 27/01/2014 04:44

Not cheeky but grabby, greedy and bloody entitled to expect people to donate money for a private holiday for bride and groom.

EdithWeston · 27/01/2014 05:13

I don't think it's any ruder than any other upfront request for cash.

Giving a present to mark a wedding is normal. I don't like pre-emptive lists of any kind (whether list or cash) but usually I'm in the minority. It's often praised as sensible and practical to ask for what you want and to do so irrespective of whether your guests have indicated they want this information.

This is what this couple have done.

(And the cost of attending an event is unrelated to the custom of giving a present to mark the occasion).

Oriunda · 27/01/2014 08:25

I would give nothing if you are having to pay all expenses. We had an 'abroad' wedding in that 50% of guests travelled to the UK from Italy. We paid for hotels airport transfers and meals.

WooWooOwl · 27/01/2014 08:29

It goes beyond cheeky to ask for cash at weddings close by, but asking when you have already asked guests to travel abroad is just disgusting.

These people would lose a lot of respect from me, and I wouldn't be giving them a penny.

eddielizzard · 27/01/2014 08:33

no way. in fact i'd be tempted not to go.

Joysmum · 27/01/2014 08:35

I don't think it's cheeky at all to ask for cash if done in the right way.

My friends are getting married next month and popped a little poem in the invitations saying to please not bother with gifts, but if anyone would like to do anything they'd appreciate money in the hope they could go on honeymoon at a later date. He's on minimum wage, she's had a lot of health issues over the past couple of years and they'd rather make memories than have 'things' and I'm all for that.

MissBattleaxe · 27/01/2014 10:55

And the cost of attending an event is unrelated to the custom of giving a present to mark the occasion

I totally disagree. These days, it's very expensive to attend weddings and most bride and grooms have already set up home and have regular incomes. Gifts should be optional.

LoveWine · 27/01/2014 11:08

MissBattleaxe if you find a wedding too expensive to attend then don't go. A person has a choice - nobody is putting a gun to your head and robbing you of your cash. Before considering accepting an invitation you would surely factor all costs (travel, hotel, outfit, childcare AND gift) and then make the decision. If it is beyond your budget, then you don't accept. Gifts are indeed optional but they are customary and in my viw it is rude to go to a wedding without a gift.

cactuscantina · 27/01/2014 11:30

she's mad! YANBU

MissBattleaxe · 27/01/2014 13:21

LoveWine- when I got married, gifts were optional as some of my guests were a bit stretched by attending (it was UK and not far, but
some were skint).

I would have been horrified if they had stayed away because they couldn't afford a gift on top of their hotel bill/travel costs. In fact when one of them rang me about costs I expressly told them not to buy us a gift under any circumstances and that their attendance was much more important than any gift.

I wouldn't stay away because I couldn't afford a gift on top of costs and I am sure a bride and groom wouldn't place gift buying ability above attendance.

LoveWine · 27/01/2014 14:01

MissBattleaxe I generally agree with you, but I'd rather forgo a new outfit/shoes for the wedding so I can offer a gift. This particular bride has requested money, but I don't think you HAVE to give money if you are skint. Surely, a small token gift is also acceptable.

fluterby · 27/01/2014 14:02

Normally I would be on the side of "it's normal to take a gift to a wedding" but in this case I think it very cheeky.

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