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Original poster

Panicking a bit - do I tell him?

23 replies

muchtooshy · 26/01/2014 06:02

I have a first date with a man who seems to like me. He is nice and has been friendly. I don't really have much experience with men though. I am kinda worried that he will assume that I know more than I do!

I have always been so shy and never had much confidence and circumstances meant that I never really spent much time around men. Have been working on these things and I am a bit less shy now.

But I am worried that he will assume that at my age I have done more than I have!

OP posts:
ScrabbleBabble · 26/01/2014 06:04

Not on the first date, I wouldnt say anything

rabbitlady · 26/01/2014 06:21

take it steady! no need to rush in with confessions on a first date. don't assume you have to have sex with him immediately, either. your body, your pace.

Original poster
muchtooshy · 26/01/2014 06:28

Oh no - nothing on a first date!

It isn't just my first date with him .... it is my first proper first date. He is older than me and I just don't want him to assume that I know what I am talking about.

OP posts:
rabbitlady · 26/01/2014 06:55

Grin if he's that much older (and presumably more experienced - you're making assumptions about him) he's probably assessed your circumstances. he might like women with less experience. look after yourself.

so come on, how old are you and how old is he? is he married?

Crowler · 26/01/2014 06:56

No dear! Don't tell him anything. It's not that hard, he won't know anything!

Are you speaking about sex, or general interaction with men?

Original poster
muchtooshy · 26/01/2014 07:00

I'm 26 and he is (about) 45. Not married but was living with someone years back - has a child. We have a couple of friends in common but hadn't met before.

Crowler - both!

OP posts:
Crowler · 26/01/2014 07:06

Well, sex is pretty easy. It comes naturally.

When it comes to conversation, just ask him questions to try to get to know him. "Do you like music?" "What's your favorite book?" or, "tell me about your family!".

foreverondiet · 26/01/2014 07:12

No don't say anything, unless perhaps you are asked directly. Do not feel pressurised into sex or anything physical until you are ready.

Original poster
muchtooshy · 26/01/2014 07:26

I don't think he would pressurise me at all. All the panic and pressure is coming from me - next panic will be what to wear!

I just don't feel like I know the dating rules - I mean who pays on a first date? I don't want to just stand there and assume that he will but I don't want to seem really awkward either.

OP posts:
MissPryde · 26/01/2014 07:36

You don't have to tell him. But if you become comfortable to the point where you want to have sex with him, you may want to. DP is 15 years older, not my first (second and last) but when we got together I ended up talking to him about my history, shortly before we became intimate. It helped my nerves to know he knew where I was so far as experience, that is was still pretty new to me, that my previous experiences weren't pleasant, and I'd be best treated gently. But it's all about your comfort level. You don't have to say anything, you may want to. Not on the first date, mind, but later when intimacy is on the table.

Also, I was a "late bloomer", in my eyes, at least. I wasted a lot of energy worrying about it. I found kissing to be a lot more complicated than sex - it comes naturally.

My advice on all fronts is to relax! Wink

ZillionChocolate · 26/01/2014 08:27

I've only ever been on one proper date, it doesn't matter. When you're on a date, you don't need to be talking about dating. Spend the time finding out about each other and looking for common interests. Good luck!

CocoBandicoot · 26/01/2014 09:42

I just don't feel like I know the dating rules - I mean who pays on a first date? I don't want to just stand there and assume that he will but I don't want to seem really awkward either.

There's no convention, as such. Prepare to pay your own half of the bill - when you take out your purse, he'll either let you go ahead and add his own money or he'll offer to pay all of it himself.

i've been in your situation and trust me - your inexperience will be less obvious than you think. I was a lot older than the 'average' age when I had my first date, first kiss etc - and I knew that my date was far more experienced than me. I was sure that I'd embarrass myself by not knowing what I was doing, but it was all fine and when I confessed to him a few dates later, he was really surprised because he hadn't guessed at all! Good luck - have fun!

Purplepoodle · 26/01/2014 10:25

Why don't you go to a coffee shop or quiet pub for your first date. I found its much less stressful as you don't have to worry about food, how your eating, who pays. You just grab two coffees or drinks and chat.

My friend did this when she started dating. She met her date in a coffee shop after work then if it was going really well she would then suggest getting a bite to eat.

matildamatilda · 26/01/2014 12:21

I find it helps a lot to focus on the other person. Ask him questions--not in a grilling way of course, but sort of following what he likes to talk about.

For instance, if he mentions his child, ask what the child likes to do for fun. "Oh, she likes music? Does she get that from you? What music do you like?" then that will morph into what concerts he's been to, other trips he's taken, oh does he like to travel, etc.

Now, the thing with this method is that you learn a lot about him in what he says and in what he doesn't say. A tiresome person will soak up all your interest and bloviate for hours. A churlish person will just eke out one-word answers. A thoughtful person will share things about himself and then ask you reciprocal questions.

MrsAMerrick · 26/01/2014 13:47

Just remember that he may be equally nervous, he might not have dated for years, may be worried about being older etcetc.

Try to be yourself, don't get too nervous (hard I know), and try to keep the conversation going. Make sure you pay for yourself on a first date.

If it doesn't work out , and there's no second date then that won't mean you've done anything wrong, just that maybe you weren't really suited to each other.

let us know how it goes, and have fun.

Original poster
muchtooshy · 26/01/2014 14:36

cocobandicoot - that is exactly it - I am way older than the average age. In a way it is a good thing because I really didn't have enough confidence in myself when I was younger but it really makes me feel kind of behind now.

matildamatilda - I think that will help a lot. At least if I am focusing on him I won't be thinking about how nervous I am!

mrsamerrick - I told him I was nervous so at least he knows that! So I should pay for myself on a first date then?

OP posts:
Mellowandfruitful · 26/01/2014 14:46

I would go prepared to pay for your share of things, and get your purse out accordingly, but if he really insists on paying you can always say (assuming it's going well) that you'll return the favour another time.

Don't worry too much. He has asked to go out with you, so don't feel you have to be someone else or something you're not. At the same time, I would not feel you have to reveal too much about all the personal experience stuff yet. One, I would get to know him better first, and two, it might sound a bit as though you are apologising for your lack of experience, which you do not need to do. It's not right or wrong, it just happens to be who you are - don't apologise for this.

I would ask him about music, films, art, books, politics, where he's travelled to or would like to, hobbies, sport, anything you can that gives you topics to talk about directly, but that also allow you to find out about each other as people indirectly.

Have you read Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People? It is very old now but still a very good book on dealing with other people and building self confidence.

Original poster
muchtooshy · 26/01/2014 18:26

Ok - so offer to pay but don't argue if he insists on paying.

We have been sending texts all day but I am sure I will still be really really nervous on the day of the date.

I don't know how I will know if it is going well or if it will be a one off!

Ask questions - I can do that at least.

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 27/01/2014 08:13

You will know if it's going well, trust me! If it goes badly, then you just don't see each other again. There's really nothing to worry about.

I agree on the suggesting splitting the bill, but allowing yourself to be treated if he insists.

Original poster
muchtooshy · 28/01/2014 17:21

The date is on Friday but we met for lunch today too.

I really like him but I am so shy!! I have no idea what he thought of me ..... he was v polite though.

I am just so aware of my lack of experience. :(

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 28/01/2014 17:42

If you met for lunch today, surely that's your first date? Well done! That first date obstacle is over and you can look forward to Friday.

Original poster
muchtooshy · 28/01/2014 17:53

Not sure if it counted - was kind of spur of the moment!

Now panicking because at one point I sort of thought he was going to kiss me but he didn't ..... and I wanted him to but I didn't want to make a complete idiot of myself!

OP posts:
MrsAMerrick · 31/01/2014 16:44

Good luck tonight! Hope you have a lovely evening.

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