To accept a flat in the same village as my rapist?

[extremepie]

I have recently come to terms with the fact that I was raped by a man who's daughter attends the same school as my sons (I started a thread about it on here!).

We are being evicted from our current house as the landlords want to sell and our notice runs out at the beginning of march. I had been really really struggling to find somewhere else to go and recently found a flat that is perfect - it has 3 bedrooms, it's really cheap, it has electric heating I will actually be able to afford to run, they are asking a very low deposit and the LL have said we can stay as long as we want (as opposed to fixed term of a year etc). Since they are in the process of a total renovation (new insulation, bathroom, kitchen, flooring etc) they have even said we can choose the carpets and paint we want and make it our own. It really is ideal for us and we can move in next month!

Only problem is it is in the same village as my rapist :/ I don't know exactly where he lives but it's not a big village at all and there is a very real possibility that we could end up living very close to each other or walking home in the same direction and he could see where I live.

I had thought to myself that I would go to the police when we moved since he knows where I live at the moment and has already been round once since it happened so if I move closer to him there is a good chance that I won't ever say anything and he will get away with it :(

On the other hand I could refuse it and wait until the council can house us but that would mean possibly months of hassle, probably ending up in temporary accommodation for a while and potential ending up so far from the school my boys will have to change school :(

I don't want to give this place up but I hate the idea of potentially living so close and seeing him on a regular basis :(

I don't know what to do - for my and my boys benefits I desperately want this flat and feel that I should just suck it up and deal with it. AIBU?

This is a horrible dilemma that I don't think AIBU is the right place to resolve. I would say location is key when buying a house so I wouldn't even consider buying it but I see your situation with impending homelessness. However I don't think you should move somewhere were you will always feel unsafe. Even if you successfully prosecuted this man and he was in prison I think it would be hard to be an incomes to his village.

Only you can decide really, I feel for you. Who knows what the future holds? He could move away at some point in the near future and you would then wish you'd taken this place. Can you imagine how you will deal with the situation if you were to end up seeing him? Would you be able to ignore him?
I haven't read your other thread, but I guess that you didn't take the rape to the police.
You poor thing.

I fear that it would destroy you to have to live close to him, see him, perhaps overlap socially with him and live in fear that he could try to approach you.

I dont think it would be good for you at all and in what it would do to you, it would obviously have a knock on effect on your kids.

I think that it would be less harmful to you and your family to deal with accomodation hassle and temp accom than to have to live your life looking around for signs of your rapist in your village, in the pub, the shop, hearing how he had a pint with your mate last night...

I am not sure how you could even begin to cope with that.

i would not move there as i would constantly be looking out for him , it would end up eating me up and be on my mind the whole time and i feel i would not e able to move on .

Didn't read your other thread OP - do I take it that the rape has never been reported, let alone prosecuted?

I don't understand about the lease being 'as long as you want' - I thought only housing associations/councils are able to give these sorts of long leases?

Anyway, I agree, you've got a lot to think about.

I also think this is such a sensitive subject that AIBU might not be the best place to have posted it, especially approaching evening at a weekend.

Villages can be very cliquey and sometimes suffocating with everyone knowing everyone else's business. (I have a friend with experience of sexual assault that left the village she grew up in)

I wouldn't move there in your circumstances.

So sorry this has happened to you.

Having just read your other thread i would say don't even consider it. In your last thread you said you were scared because he knew where you lived and that hed tried to push his way into your house a second time. If it is a small village you would be constantly scared that he would find out your new address, or even that he would take it as an invitation, like he thought you were gagging for it the first time. Its not worth it to be looking over your shoulder all the time. Move somewhere else where the safety aspect trumps the features of the flat

Can you e plain to the council that it is very close to the rapist?

I remember your last thread and I'm really pleased to hear from you again. I'm not sure from your OP if you have reported the rape already - if you have, the victim liaison police will be able to assist you with your safety. I think you might be saying that if you take this flat it will Impede you from reporting?

I would not take it in your circumstances. It was a horrible experience which had you questioning yourself and he even tried to come round again. Short term it might be harder but I think you should wait for somewhere which meets your needs as well as those of DCs. Your experience is still very recent and it's too soon to be expecting yourself to just "deal with" any further encounters. Be gentle with yourself, and wait it out.

that sounds absolutely horrific and i would say no on the basis that it's not good for your mh. you would be a nervous wreck. and i would also go and report him. for your mental well being.

OP don't. Just don't. The lovely flat that you see now will become your prison. I know you are keen to get your little children set up and cared for in a nice home. This will have a dreadful impact on you to live so close to him. Wait OP. Something will come up.

Is this the thread where he came back round to your house after the rape and would have forced his way in if it wasn't for your sister being there? A thousand apologies if not, I'm not good at remembering posters' names. But if so, then no, not in a million years should you move so close to him. I'm really, really sorry that the alternative is so shitty, but there is no way you should move into the same village.

Sorry sweetheart. And again sorry if I have the wrong poster.

There is no way I would move there under those circumstances!

You are right Wilson that was me :)

I have seen him a few times since it happened, once in town when we were waiting for the same bus - I managed to engage in polite if tense conversation with him since we were in public (which he initiated by the way, he came over and spoke to me) and the two times I've seen him at the school he just totally ignored me. I know he is worried that I will tell someone (especially his girlfriend) as that's why he came round the second time :/

I am really fucking pissed off that I am even considering NOT taking it tbh, I hate the idea that I might not take this place, which it's a miracle I found in the first place, because of that fucking stupid twat. I don't want him to have any control over my life and the lives of my children, even indirectly. If we end up in temporary housing, even for a short while it will be a nightmare for all of us since ds2 has ASD and sleep issues and with all of us sharing a room it will be awful. I don't want to put myself of the DC's through that because of him. Fucking hate him :(

Oh my gosh

I kind of agree that its so hard to advise

(a) why the fuck should he dictate your future happines

but

(b) but will seeinh him make you feel worse, not better

only you can decide and whatever you decide is RIGHT

so sorry OP, fucking angry for you XX

I know, it does seem even more shitty that he still has the power to impact on your life. But think how you felt after seeing him at the bus stop - this could become a daily occurrence if you move closer to him.

I should probably declare an interest though - I hope one day you will feel able to report his rapist arse. And I think that's less likely to happen if you both share the same, small community. So maybe I will not post anymore on this thread because I don't want to push my agenda on you, IYSWIM? But I hope you can work things out and I absolutely send my best wishes to you.

Thank you :) I just wish there was some way to make HIM move, otherwise I feel like me & my DC's are being punished for something he did :(

could you, would you, ever feel brave enough to write to him along the lines of

I know you raped me, and you know you raped me.

you committed a crime, dont try and persuade yourself otherwise.

how would you feel is someone raped your family?

you are really fucking lucky i have not reported it.

even though you might not get found guilty, me reporting what you did would cause alot of shit for you.

I request as follows:
you dont look at me, EVER
you dont speak to me, EVER
you dont approach me, EVER
I dont exist
if you know something is happening and I will be there, dont attend it.

and maybe email yourself an exact transcript of that night, what happended and how you have been after, just for you, to get your thoughts down and clear.

i feel like you really want this House, AND you are scared to report him, you need him to fuck off and leave you alone

get the power back if you can OP

and this might be really shit advice, and if so, tell me! x

Paris I have actually thought about saying something similar to him, not sure if I'll have the guts just yet but you are right in that I do really want this place!

I think you need to work out whats scaring you my dear

if you just think he will be angry and pissed off, well so be it, fuck it write it

if you see him as a dangerous sociopath, well then you might need to tread warily

thats why its so hard to advise on the web as I just dont know what category he falls into

if he is basically a fairly normal bloke, with a nasty habit of raping people he has a fuck of alot to lose, and it is feasible that you can scare him off

There will be other flats just as nice and other landlords just as nice. Don't sacrifice your long term (relative) peace of mind for a short term gain. Even if you have to go somewhere less nice for 6 months now, you could look for the next nicer place all through the six months. I wouldn't go near the village if it was me.

Just wanted to quickly update in case anyone was wondering how its going :)

I have accepted the flat! I am actually getting quite excited about all the positives and the possibility of making a fresh start after all the shit that has happened in the last 6 months.

It's my eldest sons birthday next week and I've told him he is getting a new flat and a new bedroom as a birthday present, he is over the moon :)

The landlady has let me choose the new carpets and paint colours, install locks on the windows and doors for my youngest sons safety and is even getting the electricians to wire in our new cooker for free.

For the first time in a long time it feels like things are starting to go right and I feel happy with my choice.

I am not thinking about him at all. I refuse point blank to let what he did affect me or my kids in a negative way. He has no say in what I choose to do in the future, not even indirectly. He has no power over me at all.

I think he targeted me because he thought he could, because he thought I was vulnerable and weak and too nice to report him. He kept saying what a nice girl I was!

Well I'm just going to keep pretending he doesn't even exist because he doesn't to me, not any more. If he dares look at me wrong then I will report him and be safe in the knowledge that I haven't ruined his life, he has!