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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I make an appt to see the Teachers about my daughter and her friends

48 replies

bengal38 · 25/01/2014 13:03

My daughter has a best friend at school but has another 3 girls who she is quite close to as well. There have always been issues with my daughter and her best friend against the other 3 girls.

Last week at school my daughter told me and her best friend told her mum that the 3 girls are spreading rumours about them and being nasty to them. They both said that the 3 girls are then going to tell the teachers that they are being nasty to them and spreading rumours about them. A few other children are going up to them saying to them not to be horrible and spread rumours about them.

The Teacher told the Deputy Head Teacher who then said to my daughter and her best friend "the reason why no-one wants to play with you both is because you are both getting a reputation at the school".

After-wards at lunchtime they were both in the queue when the 3 girls were whispering about them to others behind their back and when our girls told the dinner ladies the 3 girls started to fake cry and say it was the other way round which resulted in our 2 girls crying and getting upset as well.

My husband tells me that I shouldn't get involved and that the girls should sort it out themselves and he told my daughter to be nice to everyone. I told him she is being nice to everyone but he told me not to say anything to the Teachers either.

What should I do? My daughters best friend mum says she is going to take her out of the school and put her in another school.

How should I tell the Teachers that it isn't our daughters fault? Also should I tell the Head Teacher about the comment made to the girls from the Deputy Head or would that make things worse?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 25/01/2014 13:07

Don't get involved

LIZS · 25/01/2014 13:08

How old are they ? tbh I tend to leave it to sort itself but occasionally have gone in when things got out of hand not that it had much effect Hmm

HandMini · 25/01/2014 13:10

How old are they? But unless the answer is 9 or under, I would not get involved.

This sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other to me. That's not getting at your daughter, it's just to say that its natural for girl groups to divide and clash. It will always happen.

The deputy heads comment sounds stupid but I wouldn't talk to the school about that.

Reincarnatedpig · 25/01/2014 13:10

I would go see them or ring and ask for a call back. Your daughter is clearly unhappy and the teachers need to keep an eye. I would try and sound calm if possible but just say the behaviour is making your DD unhappy and you are concerned about the teachers "reputation" comments.

Original poster
bengal38 · 25/01/2014 13:10

They are all in Year 5 so are 9 - 10 years old

OP posts:
Groovee · 25/01/2014 13:11

Actually it sounds like it's about to escalate and I would try to get it nipped in the bud before it kicks off leaving major fall out. If the deputy head said that, I would be asking why she said such a thing instead of attempting to sort it out.

LIZS · 25/01/2014 13:12

Year5/6 is a notorious flash point for girls' friendships. tbh even if her bf moves she may find similar elsewhere.

Nanny0gg · 25/01/2014 13:14

"the reason why no-one wants to play with you both is because you are both getting a reputation at the school".

Extremely unprofessional and I thing you do need to go in and get to the bottom of this.

That does not mean blaming the other girls and thinking your DD and friend are blameless, but more of a 'What can we do to help get this sorted? Clearly none of them is happy, so we need it cleared up.'

Rummikub · 25/01/2014 13:16

Talk to the school. Your dd is unhappy. Frame it that you want the situation keeping an eye on. Tell them the facts, which is difficult as its all x said this, y said that. Facts are your dd is unhappy, there is friction between the girls, it needs nipping in the bud.

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2014 13:16

I agree with LIZS year 5/6 is notorious for this sort of thing.

I would have a word and hopefully the teacher will get them all together and have a word with them to stop the nonsense before it escalates.

Sometimes that's all it takes is a stern word from a teacher.

Original poster
bengal38 · 25/01/2014 13:17

Also 1 of the girls mum has told her she isn't allowed to talk/play with our girls and the other mum has said she wants to sit down with us to sort it out as her daughter is getting upset by this all the time. The other mum has said nothing but just ignores me and the other mum.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 25/01/2014 13:18

Keep out of it with the other Mums

Just ask the staff to sort the kids

Rummikub · 25/01/2014 13:22

Yep, definitely don't fall out with other mums. My dd had the similar in year 5. Even though I knew the mum well I asked the teacher to sort it out. It was, the teachers were happy to be informed and understood.

ScentedScandal · 25/01/2014 13:23

Actually I think you should involved at this stage. My dd experienced exactly this at the hands of two 'friends' who turned the bullying they were doing towards her around by appearing to be convincing victims themselves to all and sundry. I think it's a calculating and insidious way to behave and needs to be halted. At the time I said ignore it to dd, be the better person, dont get involved, rise above it..well looking back I wish I'd acted. True my dd is older and at secondary school, but this went on for a yearSad. She was becoming isolated and very distressed by it and it took a lot of work and courage on her part to make new friends and shake free. Even now echoes of it are mentioned from time to time but she is much stronger now thankfully and isn't so unhappy. Please do say something.

RhondaJean · 25/01/2014 13:24

Don't get involved with the kids or the mums but I would most certainly raise that comment from the deputy head.

ScentedScandal · 25/01/2014 13:26

Meant to say yes, just keep it between you and the staff.

BohemianGirl · 25/01/2014 13:35

99% of parents always think their children are blameless in these sorts of situations.

Maybe the dep head had it spot on?

Nanny0gg · 25/01/2014 13:41

99% of parents always think their children are blameless in these sorts of situations. Maybe the dep head had it spot on?

Even if, for one second that were true, it would be really unprofessional to say it to the girls.
And my question to the DH would be 'And what do you propose to do to help sort it out?'

Scholes34 · 25/01/2014 13:54

It would be unprofessional to say something like that. Are they the exact words that were used or your DD's interpretation of them?

ilovesooty · 25/01/2014 14:15

I think I would contact the deputy head to seek clarification around that comment. Otherwise I think you should stay well out
of it. There aren't any hard facts anyway. Just silly girls sniping and whining.

mrsjay · 25/01/2014 14:17

I would go to school don't blame X girl or girls just say there seems to be a friendship issue with the girls the teacher will mentally facepalm but they will try and sort it, please dont say anything to her friends or their parents then it gets too personal

maybefaraway · 25/01/2014 14:22

Lol I always do the same with this sort of thing, and while my kids are younger, is has worked so far. Invite them all round for a movie and pizza evening or similar, provide fab treats and a fab film, and help them bond a bit maybe with silly games like headbandz but using pop characters names.

I find that a charm offensive works wonders on kids, and if they enjoy going to someone's house then they tend to be nicer to that person.

Am sure plenty people will disagree with me, but IMHO fall outs and bullying usually stem from misunderstanding - whether it be genuine, nasty judgemental rubbish, or whatever. So by showing that your child is nice and generous and not out to break up the group, then hopefully it will lessen anyone's need to be unpleasant.

Good luck whatever you choose to do.

fifi669 · 25/01/2014 14:26

Don't go in all guns blazing. You believe your daughter. The others girls parents will believe theirs.

As others have said maybe tell the school you are aware of issues between the two groups and that people are getting upset so could they keep an eye out for any nasty behaviour.

innisglas · 25/01/2014 16:11

Whao, lots of excellent advice here, I like the charm offensive idea

Original poster
bengal38 · 27/01/2014 16:17

Spoke to the Class Teacher today. Asked her what the problem was with the girls and she said she didn't know. I then explained to her again what the problem was. I told her what the Deputy Head Teacher had said and she said that she couldn't exactly clarify what was said but would speak to her and get back to me.

I told her that I can't be dealing with this for another year as it escalates all the time between the girls and that as Teachers and Head Teachers they should be able to sort the girls out properly so that these things don't keep happening. I also told her I would take it further if things don't improve.

I was quite upset with the Teacher as she was standing there making out she didn't know what was happening. Hope I handled it well though.

OP posts:
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