I haven't had a traumatic birth but I have had some very traumatic procedures done in hospital. Like you, I struggle to think about them.
I had an operation done under sedation - the sedation went very wrong, and I got very distressed/aggressive. I don't remember it except in flashbacks. I knew if I took myself back into that environment it would all come flooding back. It was so horrible as I felt I had lost control of myself, and these people had taken over me, I couldn't stop them and I felt powerless of my own body even. I didn't want to go back to an environment where that could happen again.
I had to, eventually, I needed more help. I was terrified but I told the staff and they were lovely, so supportive and caring. I had a procedure in the same theatre, awake fully this time and whilst I was terrified, they were so wonderfully helpful - the anaesthetist held me in a hug the entire time.
Every thing in that theatre and the ward, it reminded me, but I talked myself through it as did the staff. Simple measures in my case - like when they placed the epidural, they told me what they were doing, and they let me listen to the radio, talked to me, didn't admonish me when I started sobbing. I thought I was going to faint so many times, I never did..
I haven't solved it all. Probably never will. The position I was in when the procedures were done panics me and I need to do a lot of controlled breathing. I've had that taught to me by my GP, which helps. Sometimes when you're anxious you breathe a bit quickly which can lead to horrible lightheadeness. The breathing GP and hospital suggested is like what you do when in labour (although I won't profess to be the expert, I've never had children nor childbirth!), a big sook in through the nose, then blowing an imaginary feather away with your out breath, was what I was told.
But it is very much achievable. What has happened, has happened. When we go back, we aren't sending ourselves back for more of the same. Things can and will be different, I'm very sure.
Even when you have initial chats and appointments, perhaps that's as far as you want to take it, it will be so very different. It will be a calm, relaxed environment so far removed from a traumatic and frightening birth.
You might even find that they give you a cuppa and biscuit! (Or at least, such are my experiences after coming over faint during transvagimal scan)
You know yourself that you need to have things down below at the least talked over with the experts. Unfortunately a referral to the hospital is where that starts.. I do wonder though if prior to that, perhaps you might be able to talk to your GP again and see about some counselling, so you can talk it over..?
Perhaps as well it might be possible to chat to someone who works for whoever you are referred to (I guess gynae), who could talk it over with you as well? Have spoken to my gynae on the phone a couple of times and it's quite good, helps you get to know them without being in front of them.
I know like I said I'm not exactly the same as I haven't had a child but I hope I've helped somewhat.. Keep in touch if you like, happy to chat anytime.
Am off to bed anyway hope you sleep well tonight x