AIBU to think that this is the best way to deal with 12yr old ds?

[WaffilyVersatile]

He is a good kid generally. Grades have got steadily better at school since I demanded a meeting with his head of year about the bullying that they denied all knowledge of (even after previous meetings), he does his homework (usually on time..) and is fairly quiet. He has a few close friends but doesn't tend to go out much as there isn't much to do where we live.

We have 2 issues just now. First is him eating in his room, he does get fed his meals and I have healthy snacks available but he started buying choccy bars and hiding them in his room. We have explained over and over again why we have a no food upstairs rule (he once left a half eaten sandwich in the bottom of a box of stuff for so long it went green and turned to liquid..) but yet again today I found a wrapper in his bed (and chocolate crumbs all over his sheets). I know that in the grand scheme of things this isn't life or death but its so frustrating. I am not prepared to negotiate on this - no food upstairs. As a result he is grounded (see above for why this isn't a major punishment).

Second issue is the laptop. Its not his, its a family one. He begged for facebook when the bullying came to a head and in a moment of weakness I relented. He ended up using his account to roleplay as doctor who (I don't get it but I did keep an eye on the account for which I had the password and nothing untoward was going on so I let it go), my rule with the laptop is that he is allowed limited time in public areas like the kitchen table only - no laptop in his room. So for about the 5th time in as many months I found the laptop in his room today. He said he had found it on Tuesday and had been going on it everyday. I did lose my temper completely and screamed and shouted, mainly asking why he never bloody listened and how he thought it was fair to be creeping around at 2am (he admitted this) looking for a fucking laptop he knew he was banned from while we all slept - what did he expect me to do if I cannot even trust him to stay asleep!!!?

That was earlier and I have calmed a little bit. I still don't know how to handle this though. On one hand, I cannot have him creeping around using the laptop in bed etc but I am also thinking that maybe he genuinely does need some access and if I allow set time for laptop access it might nip in the bud the need to lie about it? Am I being a sap?? Why can't they stay toddlers?!?!

If it's any consolation my twelve year old has become more challenging in the last month or so
Maybe it's puberty?

I find letting him a bit and then offering a hug, generally gets him to open up and calm down

If they are the biggest problems you have with your DS , then you are very lucky.
You need to start relaxing with the controlling a bit.He wouldn't be sneaking into his room with chocolate bars and the computer if you maybe bent a little.EAting chocolate bars (in moderation) and playing on the computer are what kids his age do especially in isolated areas.He sounds to be a very good boy but he is going to rebel if you don't recognise he is growing up and continue parenting him as though he is 7!

And tbh I have given up expecting him not to take food
Sigh
I make his cabin bed and about two thousand crisp packets fall out

No, I don't think you're being a sap. I have a nearly 12 yr old and that is what I would do-having shouted like you did about the creeping about at 2am!
If he likes role playing and would like a wider social circle would that thing they do at Games Workshops suit him-warhammer-I think they get together and play it at the shops?

hi OP. I agree the hiding food thing wants stamping out.

I'm surprised at allowing facebook, tbh, as I would also worry that social media can be a vehicle for bullies, but obv that stopped now :)

on a practical note, we have a similar rule with ipad with dd of the same age: no ipad in your room, no watching tvs shows etc on it without permission. I'm not surprised you were angry! could you disconnect the internet at night?

we tried warhammer but thank you for the suggestion - he did like it, maybe I should encourage that again.

I know they aren't the worst things we could be dealing with and honestly I don't mind him eating chocolate or any other junk occasionally but its the sneaking more than anything else. I suppose we are a bit too controlling but I think we are both worried that if we give him too much rope he may well hang himself with it and we want to protect him. thanks for your replies, feeling slightly less ridiculous

CoCo, I think that's a bit harsh. I think those 2 house rules are fair enough. i agree they are not huge issues, but dc continually ignoring house rules can be a massive source of friction.

oh, and I would add that we only have 3 house rules:
1 about not leaving homework til late weekend
2 food in rooms (dd bit of a secret eater
3 internet use

I guess if you have loads of other rules, you may need to relax a little. but if youre just like me...then carry on ;)

I think YABU

I don't think that is the best way to deal with your DS.

I think you need to sit down and have a discussion about rules, and what is and what is not negotiable.

You might need to pick your battles, and let him have some say in some of the rules. Instead of having a no food in his room rule, how about negotiating that all wrappers/plates and crumbs be cleaned up by him? Start giving him some responsibility.

I'd let him eat chocolate, sweets and crisps in his room but i would discuss with him the amount which would be reasonable say 1 snack item a day. With the laptop Id make sure He handed it back to me when he went to bed and I would keep it by my bedside. My ds1 (12) does all the things you've mentioned and its small stuff tbh

I have a 12 year ds and agree with Coco

overmydeadbody, I agree, actually. our house rules have evolved as a result of the whole family identifying them as areas of conflict. they weren't just arbitrary.

Nope that is basically it Satsuma. No food upstairs, no internet in his room and homework before chill out time.. He has a tv to watch dvds on (he could watch telly except instead of choosing to spend his money on an aerial he chose to blow it on junk - his money, his choice) in his room which we say he is allowed to watch until 10pm unless he starts getting up late in which case this is pushed back to 9pm to allow him to take responsibility a bit.

Agree with coco