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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not me, but these future grandparents are

17 replies

Duckinthewater · 23/01/2014 17:05

Have NC.
A family member, mid-twenties, divorced with 1 DC, has a lovely DP who lives with her and is great with DC. They're happy and want to have a DC together, so now she's pregnant, joy all around. However, his parents somehow seem to think that she is a curse for their poor precious son, her DC a millstone round his neck, and the whole situation is deplorable Hmm. They have met the announcement of the baby first with silence, followed by luke warm "as long as you're happy" to their DS (not her), followed by more silence. Family member is upset and doesn't know what to do. Any advise how to treat idiots like that?

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 23/01/2014 17:08

Your family member doesn't need to do anything except support her DP.

She should treat them with courtesy and respect, otherwise she's just giving them ammunition.

jonicomelately · 23/01/2014 17:09

The only advice I could give her is to ignore them and have a fabulous life.

WeddingComingUp · 23/01/2014 17:12

Are they actively being awful to her?

You can't make someone want to jump for joy. I was gutted when my 19 year old brother shacked up with his 22 year old gf who had two young kids.

I was completely ecstatic relieved when they broke up. I was always polite to her though, despite what I thought of her. Had she announced she was pregnant though a polite 'Well as long as you're both happy' would probably have been the most I could manage.

WeddingComingUp · 23/01/2014 17:13

How old is the DP and how long have they been together out of interest?

Lemonfairydust · 23/01/2014 17:16

It's amazing how quickly they may decide to change their tune once baby is born. She is better off remaining civil, but ignoring them where possible. If she engages them it will give them ammunition later.

Original poster
Duckinthewater · 23/01/2014 17:22

Wedding, they're both in their early twenties, have ben together for 2 years. Just out of interest, why were you gutted when your brother moved in with a woman with 2 kids? Because she had kids?
And yes, they've been awful to her before, mainly over her DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
Duckinthewater · 23/01/2014 17:23

Yes Lemon, this is pretty much what I've told her. Stay civil, they'll change their tune once the GC is there...

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 23/01/2014 17:26

Tbh, I'd prefer my sons not to marry someone who has children from a previous relationship. I accept that it's nothing to do with me once they are adults and that my job is just to support them, but knowing the difficulties that can arise in blended/step families, I would prefer my dc to start family life with someone else who is at the same stage.

Original poster
Duckinthewater · 23/01/2014 17:40

Fair enough, WooWoo, but what if it's already happened? Shouldn't you be grown up enough in this situation and show good will and make the best of it? He's not going to dump her, he's having a baby with her, and he's still their son. Why make it hard for everyone? I just don't get it Confused

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 23/01/2014 17:47

Absolutely they should make the best of it, they're not doing themselves any favours.

Have they got any reason to feel the way they do? There might be stuff you don't know about.

HeadfirstThroughTheTimeVortex · 23/01/2014 17:47

YANBU, you can't act shitty with a family member just because they are living their life in a different way than you would have chosen. Not without driving them away, anyway.

Good luck to them, they have a lovely family which is growing, I'm sure the GP's will be all over them when there's a new baby to cuddle.

QualityJanitor · 23/01/2014 17:48

He's not going to dump her

I think his parents are probably more worried that she will dump him (after she's tricked him into having a baby and bled him white).

It's hard to pretend to be happy at pregnancy news when you're not. Very hard. This isn't what they wanted for their son. They might come round - they might not. Up to them.

Your family member should just ignore them, as far as she can. And ensure that her DP is solidly on her side, of course.

SageMist · 23/01/2014 17:59

Well I think the future GPs are being complete numpties.

My DS went out with someone who already had a child. I took the view that if she was good enough for him then she (and her child) were good enough for me too. I think that I might have run the risk of alienating him if I'd have done otherwise. As it turned out, they were both lovely. They broke up a year ago, and I'm was so sad about it ending.

I think when you have kids you have to trust their judgement about the partners they choose. Then pick up the pieces if it all goes wrong.

Original poster
Duckinthewater · 23/01/2014 18:16

Thanks Sage. This is exactly what I think.
I've taken someone else's kids on, and my family were lovely about it.Fair enough, they never lived with me full time, and I didn't have to provide financially for them, and also, I'm not a bloke, so maybe that makes a difference. Nonetheless, I think whatever one's views are, I just think, for the sake of your kids, you make the most out of it, or else you will alienate them and you'll be the one who misses out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Duckinthewater · 23/01/2014 18:20

Janitor, when that family member had their first DC, she was very young, and the situation was less than ideal. I still managed to crack a smile, say congratulations and support her through it. I felt my own feelings about her pregnancy were irrelevant because she said from the start tat she was going to go through with it, and any expression of unhappiness on my part would only caused hurt and have driven her away.
So yes, sometimes you just have to fake it for the people you love, don't you?

OP posts:
MojitoMadness · 23/01/2014 19:45

I think that whatever the grandparents actually think they should keep it themselves and put on a happy face for their son and the GF. They are BU to be so snotty nosed about it.

I was 16 when I got with DH and he had a 2 year old daughter at the time. My dad was not too pleased in the slightest (understandably). But he never gave DH that impression at all, and both he and my mum were lovely to DSD, my mum dug all my old Barbies out of the attic for DSD to play with. They both have always acknowledged her birthday too and bought her presents for Christmas.

I think if the grandparents are not careful they'll alienate both their son and his GF.

definatlylosingmysanity · 23/01/2014 19:58

Hi I'm in the same situation as your family member my dd2 is my oh's first child. His parents weren't too happy about it all and have never even attempted to meet dd2 who is 1 next month. They use the excuse that oh is adopted so she's not really family to them. I think the best thing to do is just be civil and polite and hope that they change once the baby has arrived but at same time to brace themselves for them not to change. No one can change another's view even with the best efforts and intentions and some will always view children from previous relationships as baggage and the parent as (used goods, it's a term that's been used to describe me on numerous occasions) as long as your family member and their do are happy that's all that matters and sometimes reminding them that can be the biggest help and advice of all.

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