To be a bit *hmph* at these parents?

[whogrewoutoftheterribletwos]

A bit of back story:
DS (7) was best friends with a boy at school. At the start of the academic year he started telling me that this child was asking him (and others) for money to be friends/play certain games with him, along with other sightly worrying, manipulative behaviour. As we knew the parents I thought I'd mention it to them when we saw them, but then ds and this kid got into a fight and the other parents complained to the school, saying ds had 'attacked' their son. On further investigation it turned out that this other child had been teasing ds which had provoked him. Ds was disciplined, both by the school and us (we don't put up with any violent behaviour), but it put us in a rather awkward position. We couldn't bring up any other the other child's behaviour as it would then look like we were saying 'well he started it' and be very petty. The other child wasn't disciplined however and has been carrying on his rather unpleasant behaviour to other children as well (like calling a sn child in his class an idiot and stupid). However, they do still play quite often and we put it down to just ordinary kid's fighting.

Ds has become more and more withdrawn and has had fewer children in his class playing with him over the course of the academic year to the point he'd now deeply unhappy and comes home saying that he's 'such a waste of space' and 'a total idiot'. We've been into the school and spoken to the head and her suggestion is that we send ds to 'socialisation' classes (anyone who has met ds would not think he needed this - he also does a lot of extra curricular activities with kids his own age and has no problems there).

However, this is all by-the-by. He still tries to play with this other boy, and they still get on for the most part. This other boy is having a birthday party this week though and ds isn't invited, though he insists they are 'best friends'. Ds says, though, that the other boy has told him that his parents have said he's not allowed to be invited because of the fight earlier in the year. AIBU in thinking that the parents aren't doing their son any favours and are teaching them to hold a grudge, and to feel angry for my son? I just feel so upset for ds - he isn't close friends with many others in his class and seldom gets invited to anything.

Sorry - just realised this is very long and rambling

The problem that you have is that the boys parents will think that their child is a little angel, and your thug of a son caused a fight. Nobody wants a fight on their hands at a party, so assuming that they are deluded about their own son, I can see why they wouldn't want to invite yours.

FWIW I don't think the parents are doing their son any favours, but really there is nothing you can do about who they choose to invite to a party. I do know how much it hurts though.

You talk about extra curricular activities - are the children he knows through these not at his school? Because if that's the case, it does seem to indicate that ds's problems really are to do with the dynamic between him, this other little boy, and the rest of their peers in his class.

Agree the other boy's parents aren't doing him any favours, but it takes a very great deal to make a bully's parents realise their darling little angel isn't just 'a bit high spirited sometimes', and yes, they're absolutely not going to listen to you.

How do you know other boy has been asking for money from other children?

Good grief.

Steer your son to the natural conclusion that this child isn't very nice, is manipulative and an emotional bully. Help him understand that whilst this person is in his school life he doesn't have to be friends with him. Your DS gets to choose his friends. Empower him and take the power away from the other child.

Well, all parents first of all care about their own children. Also children's concept of "friendship" can be rather different from reality. I wouldn't encourage "friendships" with children whose behaviour i quite dislike, even if my own are no angels.

What is a 'socialisation class'? Sounds like puppy training.

If your DS is having such a difficult time with this boy why does he still want to be friends with him and calling him his best friend? Also why are you upset that he isn't invited, the other parents have realized there's a problem and actually trying to avoid more issues. Not sure why you want to encourage this friendship if it's having such an impact on your son?

It must be very upsetting to see this. You can't affect the invitation. If the other boy is exhibiting manipulative and unpleasant behaviour towards your DS you should discuss it with the school. I think it's useful at least to have it recorded. I imagine all you can do is to offer your DS opportunities to foster friendships with the other children he mixes with, which will help his confidence. Maybe arrange a day out with a couple of kids or having someone round for tea. Does that sound lame? Sorry. Possibly not much help.

I agree about grudge-bearing. My ds was hit during his first week at nursery. I made a cringeworthy attempt to discuss forgiveness with him