Things you say that make you realise you're a Bad Mum!

[BigFatGoalie]

So, I was in the kitchen unpacking the dishwasher this morning, when I look over and see 17 month old DD with something shiny in her hands.
In my mummy, happy voice I simply say:

"MiniBigFatGoalie, please give Mummy the knife..."

In my defence it was only a butter knife , but I suddenly realised if ANYBODY else had heard me say that they'd be tempted to call SS!
it did not happen twice...

Can I ask what sentences you've said to your DC lately that make you think, bloody hell I sound like a bad mother?!

Please don't eat out of the rubbish bin honey...

She put her banana instead of the skin in the bin and promptly plucked it out and chomped down. What's quite possibly worse she refused to put it back so I let her eat it.

There was only a couple of bits of paper in the bin so I justify it in my own head

Tonight I told my dd to go to sleep or their dolls go the charity shop! I'd been shhhhh- ing them for 30 minutes.

'Please don't share your biscuit with the dog'

On seeing DS alternating bites with the dog

'Your sister is not a tissue"

Please don't tongue the dog DD...

No mummy's boots aren't for chewing!

The cats bottom isn't for putting your finger in darling.

And that's just today... :)

I regularly said 'don't break your brother'.

"We don't claw faces, darling."

It was the absent-minded way I said it (too busy mumsnetting!) that made me look like a bad parent. And I heard myself!

To be fair though it was MY face I was talking about.

These are hysterical!
and make me feel marginally better

I also said, "don't share your biscuit with the dog, love" today as the biscuit went from MiniBFG, to dog's mouth, to DD's friend and then back to MiniBFG...

What's in your mouth? Is that mud?! Don't eat mud!

My Dad once sat laughing at the dinner table. He was the only one that could see DD. I assumed she was dancing... After a few minutes I asked him what she was up to and she was doing one for one with the dogs biscuits.

I really should have stopped it then and there and not taken a picture

Dh phoned me earlier and asked what the dc were doing, at that point i realised dd3 was banging two glasses together and dd4 was sooking on the end of a bottle of bleach spray (it was turned to close if that redeems me in anyway)

All this while i was cleaning up the talc incident they had created while I was cleaning up the poo incident dd3 had created!

It's no bloody wonder i drink

My DD3 (when aged about 2), brought the bread knife (THE BREAD KNIFE!!!!) from the kitchen worktop where it had been left (by me) into another room to give to me, saying "ooh, mummy, look, sharp." I nearly had a heart attack.

After that, I regularly repeated, "we don't touch the bread knife, do we, DD3?", until I was sure she'd got it.

I am a potty mouth and swear quite regularly in front of them. DD1 has discovered she can wind DO up by using said swear words. I ignore it so I rarely hear it as she knows they are naughty words and shouldn't use them. Always used to refer to my dad's partner as the wicked step mother. Have had to stop as I had a litany of questions around why we were buying someone evil a Christmas present. ...

Why is this in AIBU OP?

"DD don't step on your brother's face."
"DS, stop chewing mummy's coat"
"Yes, DD fell down stairs pretending to be a dragon." - to nursery. They are definitely going to be calling SS

Haha "don't play with dog poo darling'. Cue retching.

DD licked her pram wheels when she first started crawling and I wasn't paying attention

bluemonkeyspots, loving the image of child chaos. Takes me back a few years!

This thread makes me remember the mumsnet classic "put down the blow torch and step away from the cat" not one of mine (no cat).

"We don't eat concrete." We're having a porch built and he'd reached through the cat flap to pull bits off the concrete floor. He was ecstatic.

"No sweetie you don't have a willy hidden in your bottom"
"That's lovely that you can wee standing up but girls usually sit down on the toilet"
"Dave, come here dave" (her name is Alexandra)

She's going through an I want to be a boy phase.

With DS1 it's

"Please don't lick the baby"
"The baby doesn't want to wrestle" (said baby is 4 months old.)
"No sweety we don't put scissors in our mouth"

Yes i did eat the third jam tart but I never said all three were for you. Well I might have thought they were earlier but now I've changed my mind.

Oh, lately! For starters, "You do NOT call your sister a pig-cow... Even if she did blow off on your school bag!" That was yesterday.

I once had to say "for goodness sake DS, don't lick the toilet seat!"

he likes to lick things.

If anybody had heard me in the garden when dd2 was about two; "come here you little shit!"

In my defence she was being a little turd and I wasn't well. I can still remember now what an awful day that was, topped off by my swearing at my two year old outside where the whole road must have heard me.