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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is dp?

30 replies

harriet247 · 22/01/2014 10:54

So recently myself and dp have had some money problems which I think may acxount for some of this but we are just not getting on. We have 1 year old dd, he works full time as a manager in clothes store and im full time student. The last few weeks dp has been rota-ing his days off to fall on days when I am in college and dd is in nursery so he has effectively a whole day to himself.
Every time he has not done anything to help in the house, I do 99% of the housework anyway but my misguided brain thought he would at least do something.
I snapped last night and said he was taking the piss and he had the cheek to say he had washed up then proceeded with the silent treatment.
We do have money problems at the moment so I think he is stressed about that but he refuses to do anything constructive about it. Last week when I said he should sell some of his old things he gave me the silent treatment again. These thibgs are all electrical items.. a flat screen tv, car stereos etc.not sentimental.
I just feel like im being pushed into being a skint little housewife and that he is manipulating the situation.
Its making me miserable and I dont want to break up our family but I refuse to stay in a relationship like this.
Before we had dd he was helpful and kind and generous, helped with house, cooked lovely dinners... I am so exhausted at the end of everyday and I cant help feeling iy would be easier to be alone. I love him very much though and he is a great dad

Am I being unreasonable to expect more??

OP posts:
Original poster
harriet247 · 22/01/2014 10:55

Sorry for typos Blush

OP posts:
MeepMeepVrooooom · 22/01/2014 10:59

OP - do you work at all?

MeepMeepVrooooom · 22/01/2014 10:59

Sorry posted too soon. if not could you maybe get a P/T evening job a couple of nights a week for extra cash?

Nataleejah · 22/01/2014 11:04

Cash problems may be temporary, however, him not helping you at home is just a terrible attitude. Try neglecting some housework and see how he reacts.

Bowlersarm · 22/01/2014 11:05

Is he finding it too stressful being the breadwinner? Do you have a plan to work soon, and can let him see that you are not working temporarily but will be soon? Money worries cause so much stress in a relationship,

Joysmum · 22/01/2014 11:05

Surely being a full time student and parenting a 1 year old equates to full time hours and the rest should be shared equally. Just because this isn't paid work, doesn't mean it not work and both this things are investments in the future.

ghostinthecanvas · 22/01/2014 11:09

You say he used to be lovely. You two need to talk. He may be struggling with life just now. Stressful having a baby. For you both.
He does sound very childish using silence but you used anger. Sounds like you are both pissed off and conversation is needed. Adult conversation. Which is hard when only one of you will talk. YANBU to expect more. You are BU to want out because things are tricky. You are a partnership. Sit down and talk calmly. You may have to lead the talk, if he keeps using silence, tell him he needs to talk to you, that you love him, that you are struggling. Ask him how he is feeling. Tell him you worry because he has changed. You love him. Talk, talk, talk.

Original poster
harriet247 · 22/01/2014 11:10

Ill be able to work in april when I qualify almost immediately, I have a job offer waiting, I offered to leave the course last week but he said there was no point.. my course is about 30 houra per week ans when im not there im with dd so hard to find the hours unless I did nights

OP posts:
MeepMeepVrooooom · 22/01/2014 11:11

The reason that I ask is shouldering the financial responsibility solely can be tough for some people.

Could you possibly split the childcare and your DP could take over a couple of nights while your do some P/T work? It would lift a bit of the financial stress of you.

The fact he is doing nothing around the house is a separate issue and I agree you should neglect a couple of household duties for a little while, see how he likes it.

justmatureenough2bdad · 22/01/2014 11:16

it might seem a petty thing, but my DW does sometimes suggest that i sell some of my things...ok in principle, but why must I sell MY things...sometimes this really narks me...I'm happy with the concept of selling stuff, but it shouldn't just be my stuff right?

Bowlersarm · 22/01/2014 11:17

Its not the breadwinner thing then. in that case, I think he is being unreasonable. He's not permanently supporting you, you have a plan in place to contribute financially. In the meantime you are working all hours doing your course, plus childcare, plus housework.

He needs to help out more.

You need to talk to him calmly, so you can iron out any problems and explain your point of view rationally. Then hear his. If he was helpful in the past, I can't really see why he's being so different now.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/01/2014 11:18

Does he work nights?
Could you maybe do one or two evenings a week.
I work a Sunday to get more income.
As he works in a shop though it may be that he works a Sunday so you can't?
Not easy - but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
You only have 2+ months now of struggling then you will be working and bringing in some money.
You do need to talk though.
You both need to write down your grievances and then discuss them one at a time.
And if he doesn't buck his ideas up then stop doing stuff for him.
No washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping for him!
Then at least you won't feel resentful towards him.
Maybe then he'll step up and do his fair share.
I hope it does work out OK.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 22/01/2014 11:18

Having a baby is so hard on a relationship, and so is being the sole earner. It's really stressful knowing that if you lose your job, your whole family is in trouble.

The silent treatment is not okay, though. You both need to sit down and talk about this. Talking is so important and it's normally why relationships break down - because people don't communicate and talk when things get tough. I don't think there's anything wrong with him wanting a day to himself - everyone needs space, but, he needs use part of that day to do some housework. I work PT and it takes me a morning to do everything aorund here - by that I mean dishes, laundry, change the beds, vacuum, empty the bins and generally tidy up. Add cleaning the bathroom/kitchen and you're taking me up to 1pm. That still gives me the rest of the day to relax and do my own thing, which is what your DP can get.

Work is stressful but so is studying 30h/week and raising a toddler. He needs to help you with the house/childcare aspects before taking time to laze around.

Imogenolivia · 22/01/2014 11:21

Hi Harriet,

I disagree that you should find p/t work as you are already studying full time plus parenting a small child. Obviously it can be tough on a relationship when one person is a student but it is a short term situation which should benefit you in the long run when you are able to work and bring home a wage. Presumably your dp supported your decision to take on a course of study for these reasons. It sounds to me like you being a student is irrelevant. It sounds to me like your dp doesn't want to do his share of the housework and childcare and that he is allowing you to pick up the slack for his parenting. Don't allow yourself to be undervalued simply because you aren't currently in paid employment. You are both out working (or studying) for the majority of the week and therefore neither of you has more or less need for leisurely days off without responsibilities for house/child.

YADNBU to expect more from him imo! Good luck with the course and congratulations on the job offer

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 22/01/2014 11:26

I think,moneywise,YABU.He is the one who brings in the money,things are tight,you say he 'refuses to do anything constructive about it',and you suggest that he sells his things.

That's all fairly one sided now,right?He should do this,he should do that and then he should do the housework too.I'd be pissed off if I was him too.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 22/01/2014 11:38

He should absolutely be doing the housework! He lives there too. He's equally responsible for doing things like laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc as the OP is. She studies full-time and looks after their daughter. Yes, he works, but that doesn't mean he gets to come home, take a day off and do bugger all.

Where's OP's day off to ignore the housework and do nothing?

MeepMeepVrooooom · 22/01/2014 11:44

Yes she does study and look after their child but would it not make sense to swap a couple of nights looking after their DD so her DP can do it in order for them to be more financially stable.

Obviously the housework thing is ridiculous but I honestly think the two issues need to be separated as dealt with separate.

It isn't just the OPs DP responsibility to financially contribute and it isn't solely her responsibility to do housework. I'm sorry but I'm not including looking after their child in this as it is just what happens when you have children, someone has to do it. However instead of looking after their DD she could get her DP to do it while she works...

MeepMeepVrooooom · 22/01/2014 11:50

Sorry I meant instead of being the one to look after her daughter a couple of nights she could get her DP to do it to allow her to work.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 22/01/2014 12:23

You missed the point doctors op is all 'he should do this,he should do that,he won't improve this,he won't do that'

Op seems to expect her do to fix everything financially,be fully responsible,sell HIS things and (as an aside) do more housework.

Why should everything fall to him?How about the op taking financial responsibility?How about the op selling her things?

He has every right to be pissed off!

Original poster
harriet247 · 22/01/2014 12:47

Sorry to clear a few things up his shifts sometimes begin at 7am and end at 5 or start at 11 and end at 9 so thats why ive been struggling with evening work. I suppose that im frustrated re the financial side because everything is in his name - we are paying back a loan that he took out before he met me and that is what is breaking us. Ive suggested he goes to cab or credit union to try and lower the mo thly repayments as I cant do it. Everything that I have bought/'own' are things like sofa,bed etc so not really saleable. He has tvs and things that were his when we moved in together-we use all my electronic stuff in the house that I bought before we met. I suggested we feel srupid having all this possible money in the spare room when the house is cold :(

OP posts:
MeepMeepVrooooom · 22/01/2014 12:53

Harriet That makes the situation a bit clearer. What was his reaction to lowering the monthly repayments?

KellyElly · 22/01/2014 12:59

harriet247 Do you get loans/grants/child care help from student finance etc?

redskyatnight · 22/01/2014 13:00

Ok so based on your last post - you are using "your" electronic items so "his" items are sitting about. Plus other things that are "yours" are things like bed, sofa etc.

What exactly of his do you have in the house? If you've both brought "stuff" in from before you were together, you should have things belonging to both of you. I can see from his point of view, this is turning into you just asking him to sell all his things because you want to keep yours.

Lulu1083 · 22/01/2014 13:10

redsky so by your logic it's ok for the op's stuff to be 'theirs' when he's using it in the house, but not ok to sell his stuff to help 'them' out as it's still his.

Smacks of what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine!!

Original poster
harriet247 · 22/01/2014 13:18

I dont mind keeping 'his' and selling 'mine', it just seems silly to swap it all over really. Yes I get tax credits and a student loan so I do have money but it goes on food etc so its not like im sponging off him.
His reaction to doing something to lower the monthly repayments was silence :(
I really feel so desperate and sad today.
Thankyou for the comments everyone

OP posts: