6yo Child On Video Games

[rb512022]

Hi I just wanted to post an update on my recent plea for help. I started a thread on 20.01.14 which was highlighting how I thought my wide was been unreasonable in letting our 6 yo play on ipads /Nintendo far too much....See attached thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1972462-Video-Games-6-Year-Old-Please-Help

In complete exasperation of the situation I approached her the other night and asked if we could talk about it. I don't have any objection to the gaming but there needs to be some boundaries.....She was not prepared to talk about it at all and I was left feeling very disappointed about how my feelings on the matter seem to be totally disregarded.

The straw that broke the camels back was on the night of 20th Jan. We take turns in putting the boy to bed. My method is always a story read to him by his bedside however my wife takes him into her bed at 8pm. She then lets him play on angry birds on the ipad for up to half an hour while she sits on the bed playing candy crush on her phone....She then gets him out of her bed and takes him down the corridor to his own bed with no story etc......this drives me mad as he will have already chalked up screen time earlier that day on his half hour trip to and back from school. She lets him have it glued to his hand and keeps buyin more games aahhhhh!!!!!!

Well I just could not take it anymore. I went into here bedroom and said I was putting an end to this and took the pad off causing a bit of a scene I know.

She stormed out and now says she is leaving me and this morning asked for a divorce. She accuses me of been bullying and controlling. I don't agree in the slightest.

She just cant understand that I would like an input on what my son does. My opinion is always discounted and it just winds me up to breaking point.

I feel I had no choice to do what I did.....It was in TOTAL desperation at been constantly annoyed

Either I just shut and go along with her methods or we sit down and talk about it.......She WONT talk so I feel I have to resort to desperate measures . Its her way or NOTHING so it seems

I have already commited to replacing the time he spends on the screen to doing things together but it just falls on deaf ears. I know I should not have confronted her in front of our son but I just cant explain enough about how bad I feel inside that I just don't count. I want whats best for our child.

My marriage seems to be over and I am devastated
.......I don't know what to do next.....:(

For the record I will repeat my opinion that I am happy for our kids to have these consoles.....no problem whatsoever.......buts surely there has to be limits.?????? Are there some people you just cant reason with?

You're in the right, but if she isn't willing to compromise and continues to essentially neglect your children a divorce may be the only option.

clicky link to old thread

I thought it'd be you when I saw the title. This sounds really awful.

It just baffles me that she is so defensive about this.

How is she with your DS generally, do they ever do anything together other than play on gadgets?

I read your previous thread.

I don't think this is just about video games to your dw. You were objecting to the amount of screen time after school when your dw is looking after the dc's on her own.

I can see why you feel she doesn't listen but can you also see that she doesn't storm in when you are putting ds to bed with a story and demand that you let him play angry birds?

You are trying to impose your parenting style on her and vice versa.

It's difficult to manage different parenting styles, and if one parent feels they are carrying more of the parenting burden then that creates resentment too.

Are you right that your ds shouldn't have as much screen time? Yes, of course you are but that isn't why your marriage is falling apart or your dw asking for a divorce. That is happening because neither of you is respecting the other's opinion and you've forgotten how to communicate.

You both want the best for your dc's. Maybe suggest counselling to get to the bottom of why you both feel so unsupported and divided.

Frug,

She does not play with him on the console at all.....that is just her idea of how to "put him to bed"

So when its my turn to put him to bed (which I would happily do it every night) he shouts he wants his mum to do it and has a right tantrum screaming and kicking.

Obviously if his mum takes him up he gets extra screen time / youtube etc. I don't blame my son for wanting this at all but it makes me feel really really sad and I look th ebad guy all the time.

Once I acrually get him up to bed and the story book comes out he is absolutely fine and enjoys it......Its just the initial right who is putting me to bed drama

There is nothing worse than your child shouting " I don't want Dad to put me to bed" it kills me......but once I get him he is the exact opposite

I cant see a way out of this at all.......if I was more laid back I suppose I should just give in but that's just not in my personality....

Kate I am not overall trying to impose what I want.....no way

I will compromise all day long (apart from the other night of course....but I just could not stand it)

I have sat back and sat back and just let it carry on.....all the while asking my wife can she not reduce the time he spends on it and stop encouraging it all the time.

All day long if my wife said he should go to bed at 9 and I said 8 I would happily agree 8.30 every single time.......There is virtually nothing I wont compromise on to that in theory both parties are happy with the decision.

I tell her this constantly about "lets compromise" but her reply is that she totally does not agree with my opinion so there is no need to compromise......she just wont

Its this stubbornness that drives me up the wall

I do love her and our 3 children to death......2,6&12 yo

She is acting like a stroppy child.

Is it a general wish to indulge him (junk food etc) or just the games? It's like she's afraid to say no.

This reminds me of me and my DH a bit. We have had arguments where he has said his opinion seems to count for nothing (I do all the school drop off/pick up, after school care until he gets back) and I have been in situations where I've felt 'why should I have to impose stuff he wants doing when it makes things stressful and I don't think it's necessary?' BUT we are a partnership and if there is something he really wants (eg DS to get changed every night after school straight away) then I will try and implement it. In your case, this is really important stuff you are talking about here. I don't think any reasonable person would say that the amount of time on games your DS is having is not detrimental. By sticking to your guns on this you are being a good father to him because you have his best interests in mind - you are trying to protect him. Keep sticking to those guns. Explain to your DS over and over why you are (you probably have). Tell him you want him to grow up and have a great life and a good mind and if he spends all his time on games his mind can't grow properly, or something.

I do listen to what my DH wants re our kids because if I was the one out of home and he was bringing them up in a way I wasn't happy with, I would want to be able to discuss it. I think it's also useful for the parent who isn't the primary carer to step in with some perspective sometimes because when you are the one doing after school and sorting out the tea and lunch boxes and book bags and muddy shoes and breaking up fights and listening to one hundred questions and persuading them to get changed etc it is easy to lose sight of how things could be done better. Just before Christmas DH said he thought our DCs were watching too much TV after school. My instinctive reply was, well they are tired and need downtime and I am rushing around doing everything and it's not a big problem. But then I thought, you know what, he is right, actually. So I told them they could watch it either before tea or after tea, but not both (but with a long term aim that we'll cut it down more than that) and I also introduced 'table time' directly after school, about for me to sit with them at the kitchen table and do reading and drawing and writing and maths stuff (mainly to try and get them into the habit so when homework is a bigger issue they will be used to spending that time concentrating). DH and I just need to work a bit harder to have other stuff organised so less 'house stuff' needs doing after school.

But it sounds like you are beyond this, obviously. It sounds like you can't have a sensible dialogue with your wife. Will that ever change? In your shoes, I would consider that I would not want to parent my children with someone so unreasonable. I appreciate that you are both your DCs' parents, together or apart. But perhaps if you are apart and you can work out 50/50 care you will have a stronger influence on your DS. Step back from your emotions for a moment if you can and think about where you see the future going and what is best for the development of your DCs. I think your wife is being entirely unreasonable and - with the best will in the world at understanding what managing children after school is like as I do it every day and often alone when DH is away - bordering on negligent (in that this amount of screen/game time must be damaging long term). The bedtime thing sounds like sheer laziness to me.

Hi Wed thanks for your comments

It's truly reassuring to know their are people out there that take their husbands opinions into account

Regarding the kids getting changed after school......I am exactly the same as your husband but my wife refuses to ask them to get changed......I just dont like it and she does not care what I think......it drives me mad and yet again I always look the bad one in front of the kids when I ask them to do it......ahhh

The tv also winds me up.....She happily plonks our 2yo in front of a tv in the play room to watch an endless loop of pepper pig......I don't think in 2 years I have ever seen her play with him or even read a book to him.....I do this often and it gives me a lot of satisfaction

By the time the wife has been to work and drove the kids all over the place I guess she is too tired to devote much time to the kids? And takes the easy way out with screen time for our boys..

When we get into arguments she just taunts me with "well who do the kids like".......the answer is her all day long.....they adore her but I feel it's related to her giving them what they want all the time......

I just look like a control freak (she accuses me of this all the time) the big bad wolf and it depresses the hell out of me

Can you discuss at some sort of marriage counselling? Has she always been like this?

I do think some screen time is ok but maybe not at bedtime. My kids love gadgets, but we work hard to have limits.

I can't believe she seems unable to take on board your opinions and views on your own children, especially when you are so clearly in the right! You are in a losing situation at the moment as you either stand your ground and she leaves (I'm amazed she's responded like this) or don't stand your ground and your children suffer. No helpful suggestions though I'm afraid.

I think you need to pick your battles. It seems like there's a lot of things you completely disagree over. But the getting changed after school thing, for example - it's not doing them any harm to stay in their uniform, so I'd save your energy for the things that really matter ie screen time/bedtime. The more you impose rules that disagree with their mother's, the worse you seem to them all - so just drop the arguments that don't actually have an impact on their health

OP I think you're right about the screen time being far too much, and you're right that it should be a partnership. But your wife is right about the method you used on the 20th being bullying and controlling. You had a conversation in which you didn't agree, couldn't even discuss the matter and so the next thing you do is forcefully implement your approach. That is bullying and controlling and you mentioned a similar incident on the first thread.

Too much screen time isn't good for kids, but seeing that sort of conflict is really bad.

Emme.....what would you do ??????I have let it go for months and months......I have tried to sort it numerous times. I have asked to talk numerous times......she just says I am been stupid and there is no need to set limits.

This was not some kind of knee jerk reaction by me far from it.

As far as I was concerned I had absolutely exhausted all peaceful ways to sort this out.......It was totally borne out of massive frustration that had been building for a long time

I was left with 2 options

1. Do Nothing and let it continue
2. Take Direct Action

I chose the latter

You were given some excellent advice on the other thread, which you chose to ignore. Everyone agrees with your feelings but disagrees with your methods.

I don't think the OP has actively chosen to be controlling. I think he reached the end of his tether and snapped.

OP I'm so sorry it has come to this. I read your thread earlier in the week and felt so sorry for the situation. I can't help thinking that your DW is exhibiting lazy parenting (ducks). I have to admit there have been a few times when I let my ds spend too long watching TV or on the ipad because there is something I absolutely HAVE to get on with, but doing this every night would be wrong. There should be boundaries as to screen time. It's well documented. It's not exactly rocket science. I think she probably doesn't like spending time with the children which is understandable, but sad. No-one will deny that giving a child an ipad is much easier than baking with them, reading, colouring whatever. Especially when they are so used to having the screen. Breaking them of that habit will be incredibly hard.

As for her 'putting to bed', that is also just lazy. Sorry, but it is. A child should not be winding down for bed time by looking at a screen.

You have my sympathy OP, but I'm afraid I don't have any advice. I don't think you have done anything wrong but I can't see what you can do to make it better. The only thing I would suggest is councelling, and maybe some sort of literature that would show her how damaging the screen time is for the kids.

I really hope that you can save your marriage. Your boys do love you. Please don't think that their tantrums are a reflection on you. It's so obvious that they just want their mum because they want the screens. It's lovely that you get to read to your little boy and that he enjoys it.

Chin up.