second child, money and mental health

[HuntingforBunting]

For me, a difficult pregnancy, a long labour, emergency c section, exclusive breastfeeding and then nearly two years without uninterrupted sleep was too much. I was also doing a professional training for 3 years which I interrupted during year 1 to take a year of maternity. The course became pure hell when I got back and I found it very hard to complete but I did.

I don't know what happened to me but I had something close to a break down. In a nutshell, my physical and mental health were shot and of course my.relationship with dh suffered and we had a terrible time, mutually agreed but still awful separations etc etc.

Things are now different. We have moved out of the city, we are much happier and peaceful and less stressed and I have now qualified but on a temporary contract but like my full time job.

Dh is happier because he is now doing a funded phd and he loves it. We both feel we are just about stable enough as a couple to try for more children. But I just don't feel I can do it again. Mainly because dh funding does not cover on it's own our rent and the shortfall of me not working full time for even the bare minimum of 6 months would leave us with thousands of pounds of shortfall.

Dh is very keen to start trying but I am terrified and I am saying in our conversations that we should be physically, emotionally and financially ready before trying for another child. He is totally unwilling to sacrifice his PhD to work part time on top of it for a sustained period of time, or to quit and Go back to his previous work, neither of which I want him to do if he is not happy to do so.

But this leaves me in difficult predicament. I'm 36 and worry that if we wait 3 more years then it could be much more difficult for us to conceive. But I don't feel it's right to take such a financial risk, the stress of which, both the worry and trying to work too much too soon might tip me over the edge again. Of course my main concern in all of this is not to cause ds 3.8 and very aware of our moods etc distress.

Help.

And so my aibu is, if I want a second child very much am I being unreasonable not to just go for it, despite these financial and mh fears?

P.s. should anyone reply I won't be able to check again to respond to specifics until after 5.

I think it would be more unreasonable to have a child when you have valid reason to think you won't be able to afford it without seriously struggling financially.

Your DH sounds like he wants it all without having to sacrifice anything, therefore meaning that all the pressure would be on you and that's unfair both to you, your son, and any future child.

You have identified that you will have a shortfall of thousands of pounds, where do you see this money coming from?

Do you actually want another child? It sounds very risky tbh and doesn't really sound like either of you are in the position to have another. Particularly if dh isn't going to compromise on his phd etc.

"I am terrified and I am saying in our conversations that we should be physically, emotionally and financially ready before trying for another child. He is totally unwilling to sacrifice his PhD to work part time on top of it for a sustained period of time, or to quit and Go back to his previous work"

This is powerful stuff, and I think you need to listen to your instincts. A second child will inevitably be hard. You need to feel ready for that. You clearly, and very understandably, don't. Your DH needs to listen to that, especially given the financial situation.

Have you spoken to DH about the costs of childcare for 2 children? Would he be prepared to work around school hours once DS is in school or would you need after school/holiday clubs?

Does DH want to go into academia after his PhD? If so, that can be challenging and mean long periods of low pay and insecurity about the future.

In your shoes, I would put the idea of a second baby on hold until you are on an even keel in terms of mental health, finances, and your relationship. Who knows what will happen? You might decide you are happy with one. Or you might go on to have a couple more. But I think you are right to wait until it feels right.

I think it would be irresponsible to have another child in your current circumstances. Waiting until you are more stable financially sounds like the lesser of two evils.

It isn't unreasonable to want a second child - if you both want one, but as you say it would be better to work out and agree to how you will both cope before going ahead.

We've just had a second and thought ahead to how we would deal with things like mental health etc... as I had PND/anxiety last time. this time we were more prepared, I stayed on anti-depressants and found out which were safe to take during breast feeding and DH knows exactly how he can help me avoid it too.

The financial aspect is tricky - could you both work p/t as a compromise? I suppose it depends on your job! I'll be going back to teaching when DS is around 6 weeks but that involves DH being available to take over for a few hours when he comes home from work. There isn't much of a break involved for anyone there but if we had to pay for child care it wouldn't be worthwhile for us.

If your husband is unwilling to make any sort of sacrifice at all it makes life very difficult - especially when he's keen to have the second child.

YANBU. The stress of getting into thousands of pounds of debt would have a detrimental effect on your relationship, but more importantly your mental health. I feel there is far too much pressure on families to have more than one child. I think you are far better giving one child a better quality of life, rather than having more and then struggling to make ends meet.

What will you be sacrificing ? What will your OH?
Sounds like it's all on you so it's your decision I would say.

Thank you for brilliant, thoughtful responses.

Answering specifics in order: dh proposes to borrow money from family or commute back to the city for short bursts of very stressful but well said project work.

Do I actually want another child... Well I am broody but not desperate, no. I like having my life back quite a lot to be honest. Is that selfish? It makes me feel like an inadequate mother for some reason I'm not quite sure.

I have put the costs forward to him but despite being very bright in lots of ways, he doesn't seem to get it and says we will 'get by'. And no, I cannot imagine he would be prepared to work around school hours as awful as that sounds.

Thank you for all your considered replies- I am very grateful.

Ultimately you will be the one going through the pregnancy, birth and major care. If you don't feel ready yet, and maybe never, that is fine. It's ok to not be broody or desiring more kids. You're no less a family.

Maybe say you will review things in a year to give yourself some breathing space from discussing it with your DH. Then do, review it next year but it's fine to say no again then too.

You will be a year on with the happiness you have now carved out for yourselves. Say you want to enjoy your family for a while before potentially returning it to chaos and crisis again.

Go with your gut, people do regret having another child though it's taboo to say it. Don't be forced into thinking you must. Since you feel ambiguous about it there is no risk of dropping fertility leaving you without fulfilment of broodiness. You sound like you'd say OK, not meant to be.

If you found out tomorrow you were past childbearing age would you be sad, distraught or relieved?

You sound really wise and considering what's best for your child (and the one you may or may not have). But I'm probably biased because we're in a similar situation in that we like the idea of having more than one but I think it would be one strain too many mentally and financially. So we've agreed that we're not going to let ticking clocks push us into something we're not ready for. And I think it probably means we will end up trying to adopt a child when DS is older.

Hunting - best of luck with the decision. I agree that you sound wise and kind.

FWIW, I have ended up with one child, as my relationship broke up. When she was 2-3 I felt the need for another much more. But now she is older (almost 6), I am at peace with having one child. We have a lovely close relationship (as she does with her dad) and the balance between work, home, and fun feels really good (I also work FT). I wouldn't necessarily have set out to be a single mother of one child, but I can really appreciate the upsides now and can genuinely say I love my life.

how easily did you fall pregnant, are you fertile, if so I wouldn't worry about another child in a few years.

your no spring chicken but you are not by any means over the hill at all, i know plenty of ladies who had babies in their forties.

i would wait a few years maybe and see how you feel..or save up a bit....

FWIW I also had a horrid time first time round, labour, mil problems, lots of other problems too and I found it all v stressful, second time round, has been a joy, I am so much more confident, relaxed, know whats coming....the second time round doesnt have to be anything like the first...

Thank you all for helping me to gain clarity and insight. It's taken me a while to post because the question how would I feel if I knew I map part

Bloody phone! Past child rearing age I might feel relief, at least at the moment if that makes sense. the support on this thread has helped me to feel much more confident being clear to dh that I am not ready and especially not until we have clear ideas on how to cope financially. thanks all x

P.s. flirting