To be at the end of my tether with DD?

[TooManyButtons]

Because I really don't think I am!

To set the scene: I separated from ExH last year, all very amicable, and with DD (nearly 16) put first throughout. ExH lives nearby, and DD has her own room in his new house, with clothes, makeup, everything, basically a second home, where she's always welcome, and takes herself off there at weekends when I'm working, over for tea during the week...basically we've made it as stress free for her as it possibly can be.

DD is sitting her main GCSEs this summer, so is understandably stressed about revising and so on. However, she's being a nightmare, and is really hurting me. I've made allowances for her, but I can't cope any more.

She doesn't lift a finger around the house. If I directly ask her to do something, such as empty the dishwasher, out a load of washing on, she will eventually do it, but with incredibly bad grace - sighing, slamming of doors, pushing past me. Instead, she disappears into her room as soon as she gets in from school, allegedly to do her homework. In reality she sits watching tv on the laptop until I get screamed at at 10pm as she's just started her homework and is stuck. She'll come down for tea, chuck her dirty dishes on the side, then flounces back upstairs.

I've just done 3 12 hour shifts in a row at work, I'm a nurse so I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. My day off today has been spent cleaning, meal planning and food shopping, before another 12 hour shift tomorrow, as I've swapped a shift so I'm off for DD's birthday later this week. When she got in from school (stepping over the bags of shopping in the porch, opening her post and throwing the envelope on the side, presumably for me to out in the bin), I asked her if she minded walking the dog, just once, as my back is really hurting. Cue much flouncing, sighing, dirty looks.

I pointed out that I was tired, and am back at work tomorrow - all I get is "well I didn't ask you to go food shopping", and "if you don't care about spending my birthday with me, don't bother, I didn't ask you to change your shift" before stomping out to walk the dog with the parting shot of "hopefully you'll be less of a bitch when I get back!" She's now upstairs refusing to acknowledge my existence.

I know I shouldn't put up with this, but the truth is it hurts me so much when I get the silent treatment from her, that I'm treading on eggshells trying not to upset her. I'm sat downstairs sobbing, and am very close to picking up my car keys and just driving away.

Bloody hell disgraced did you mean to be so rude about foster carers.

I'm another one who feels that your daughter's behaviour may well be linked to your divorce - I think research has shown that teenagers are more affected by divorce than younger children. (Children who are at university can also feel devastated.) Your daughter's life has just undergone a seismic shift, and everything that she took for granted, and was the foundation of her life, has disappeared. If your relationship with your husband was not outwardly bad, she may well have been taken totally by surprise by your break-up. Another, very important factor is that she was powerless in the situation, and may well feel that her life, and feelings, were not considered important (enough) to either of you. Ironically, the fact that your divorce was so amicable may have made matters worse - she may feel that you both did what was right for the two of you, but did not care about her.

Remember that she is only 16 and has the limited understanding of a teenager - as yet, she has no knowledge of the challenges of adult, long-term relationships and how they change. She probably thought that her Mum and Dad would be together for ever. Put all this together with the normal confusion and overwrought emotions of a teenager and you have a recipe for the kind of angry, defiant behaviour you are getting. It may well be covering up a lot of pain and hurt.

Have you sat down with your daughter and discussed how she feels about the divorce? It might help her a lot to express her feelings, even if it makes painful listening. Her feeling - of shock, sadness and possibly betrayal - need to be acknowledged and if
they were, you might find a change in her behaviour. At the moment, she clearly sees you and your husband as the enemy, and is taking her revenge in any way she can.

This is not to underestimate what you are going through, OP - life post-divorce is not easy for anyone. I have great sympathy for you. But your daughter had no say in the matter.

Crocodile:

Not foster carers but their charges. Where I live, respite and intervention fostering is run by saints as per usual, but the kids are frankly dangerous.

Neighbours' grandson(14) went in post-arrest to give them a break for a week, after he smashed up the house again. They got him back with a tooth missing and a smiley face branded on him. He was pretty subdued after that.

basically we've made it as stress free for her as it possibly can be

You spilt from her dad, clearly something is stressing her out.

You also say you're not coping well with the end of your marriage.

Please remember she is the child here. I'm saddened by all the advice you've had to punish her for her anger.

I would suggest you get yourselves into family counselling ASAP or at least offer her the chance to talk to someone and get yourself some coping strategies that don't involve running away or making her feel ashamed of her feelings.

She needs to know you're strong and you love her.

BrickorCleat I'm fully aware she's the child. However, no matter how angry she is, it's not an excuse for the way she's behaving. We both live in this house, I work long hours, I can't do everything by myself, and be expected to tiptoe around her in case me asking her to scrape her own plate after dinner upsets her.

I don't think anyone's advocated punishing her, just remove her privileges until she earns them back by showing me a bit of common courtesy.

TooManyButtons Tue 21-Jan-14 19:57:14
"I think the biggest problem is that I'm not coping with the end of my marriage as well as I could be - I get upset at the slightest little thing - it feels like she's kicking me when I'm down."

Do you think this could be why she is doing it? Because she sees you upset and weakened and it frightens her and being frightened makes her angry?

My own dd has generally speaking been a mature and considerate teen, but the two occasions on which she really behaved badly was a) when I had to go in for surgery and b) when her little brother was diagnosed with the same condition which had crippled her. We talked it through and she admitted that the weakness and needs of people around her terrified her because she felt it meant nobody would be there to care for her. I did get her to agree that this was wrong though understandable.

no matter how angry she is, it's not an excuse for the way she's behaving

I didn't say it was an excuse, but I think it might be a reason.

In your shoes (been there, it's bloody hard) I'd be ignoring the behaviour and concentrating in helping her deal with the feelings behind it.

Hope things ease for both of you.

Thanks for clearing that up disgraced Making sweeping generalisation about kids in care is a bit . Many lovely kids in the system through no fault if their own.

OP sorry for going off topic, best of luck.

Have you managed to get anywhere with your daughter OP?

I love the idea that you should take the router out with you. I am a nurse too and I know exactly how exhausted you are. My DD only 8, so watching replies with interest. Good luck to you

She is 16. Her mum and dad have split up. She doesn't know whether she is coming or going. She has GCSEs coming up and hormones are raging. She is lashing out in all directions.

She sounds like a very unhappy and frightened girl.
cory has given you some great advice.

Good luck OP - it is very hard.