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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only invite who ds wants to to his party

36 replies

Picturesinthefirelight · 21/01/2014 08:47

I started another three about whether I can risk inviting all 14 boys out of a class to ds's party when the maximum number for the activity is 12

I was explaining this to ds this morning about how it's ok to invite 4-6 friends but you can't leave just one or two out of a whole class & he said but that's what everyone else does.

Apparently there have been several parties where invitations have been handed out & ds & one other child who happens to be ds's best friend have been the only two not invited.

One boy who ds plays with a lot told him he wasn't inviting him to a football party because ds might be scared (he's small for his age) & the other bit doesn't like football

He told me that bit made him feel very left out.

Thinking back ds hasn't actually been invited to a party for over 2 years (I'd just assumed people were scaling down)

Ds wants a big party- he's desperate to be popular but I know he can be difficult to get along with & struggles socially (ASD)

Part of me thinks why should I be concerned about not leaving people out but I know that makes us just as bad as them.

I also feel awful for not realising all this time.

OP posts:
StormEEweather · 21/01/2014 08:52

Another thread about selective party invitations. These do make me despair, surely you either invite the whole class or just three children? If your DS was hurt at being left out, why do that to other children?

Notaddictedtosugar · 21/01/2014 08:55

Tricky one. Do you know any children outside school, so he can have his big party, but only invite about half of the class?

needaholidaynow · 21/01/2014 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hersetta · 21/01/2014 09:04

I'm of the thought that it's your son's party and he can invite who he wants and sod the politics and being PC. We let DD invite who she wanted to her swimming party - she was 6. She ended up inviting around 23/30. She knows she doesn't get invited to everyones party so why should she have to invite people that she isn't friends with.

formerbabe · 21/01/2014 09:27

I don't like leaving out one or two children. You should invite half or less/everyone. My children won't be allowed to leave out just a couple of kids...this happened to my son and he was really upset and I wouldn't want to do the same thing to another child.

Original poster
Picturesinthefirelight · 21/01/2014 09:28

I would never leave out just one itv two children. Just venting in here that others think its acceptable to do that to my ds.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 21/01/2014 09:32

Hersetta...were you discrete at handing out the invites? Makes my blood boil when parents hand out invites in full view of children they are leaving out.

ScentedScandal · 21/01/2014 09:42

I can see why you would think that too tbh And I probably wouldnt invite them now I've been through the party mill I'm so thankful to be beyond this now my dc are older tbh. I remember my dc were left out of some parties parties of quite close friends and they were rather hurt about it. I always said well that's life, suck it up blah blah. But the kids invloved made it perfectly clear that they expected to come to theirsHmm. I went along with that for a while, trying to be the nicer person etc but I stopped when I realised I was the only one who seemed to be doing it.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 21/01/2014 09:47

i would let him pick 6 to 8 friends that away almost half the boys are not invited not just 1 or 2.

LoveWine · 21/01/2014 09:47

If my child has been excluded from a party, I won't feel obliged to invite them to my child's party. Surely it's not right for you to be concerned with people's feelings when these same people are not concerned with the feelings of your children.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 21/01/2014 09:53

Personally I don't agree with tit for tat, like LoveWine. I don't think it sends out the right message to my DC. I'd say they either invite all or fewer, just leaving out two would feel mean to me, regardless of what their parents had done. With a smaller amount, I would then certainly let them choose who they wanted.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 21/01/2014 09:57

Having said that - it's just the boys in the class? So it's a regular, 30+ class? I'm amazed that kids/parents even know who is going to whose party - I genuinely only hear about the parties that DS1 is invited to, unless a friend of mine is having a party for their DC. DS1 doesn't mention any parties he's not invited to. Are the children handing out invites in front of everyone?

LoveWine · 21/01/2014 09:57

It's not exactly tit for tat...I would of course let my child invite who they want, but if a few are left out I don't think I;ll be so concerned with their feelings, especially if they happen to also excluded mine from their parties. To be honest, I find a huge party (30 children) at a young age a bit too much.

johnworf · 21/01/2014 10:02

Party politics....If you're restricted to numbers then I'd pick half the boys. Boys who he likes and plays with and not the uber Alpha boys that would get him a (possible) party invite in the future.

There is an element of tic-for-tat invitations at my DD's school. It passes me by. She doesn't get invited to many parties but when we're choosing her invites it's all about who she likes and plays with whether she was invited to their party or not.

Btw have you thought about an after school activity or club that would give him the opportunity to mix with other children? Our DSS is ASD and he found it really helped.

AwfulMaureen · 21/01/2014 10:04

I think in your situation you can do as you bloody well like. Your DS has enough to contend with ....let him have who he likes and bugger the others.

Original poster
Picturesinthefirelight · 21/01/2014 10:06

There are 24 in the class altogether , 14 boys & 10 girls.

Ds said the children give the invitations out themselves. They are age 9/10

The party is a woodland based activit with nerf gun battles. An inclusive price for up to 12 children.

OP posts:
thegreylady · 21/01/2014 10:08

I'd risk inviting all as at least two will be unable to come.

Original poster
Picturesinthefirelight · 21/01/2014 10:08

Johnworf - ds isn't very good at sticking at activities. He tends to give up when it gets hard. He does a martial arts class once a week but its a mix if ages including adults, only two other children who are younger than him then some teens but he wont try another club

OP posts:
AwfulMaureen · 21/01/2014 10:08

Are there any girls he likes? My DD just got an invite to a gun battle party...she's also in the 9-10 age and the boy whose party it was invited 4 girls and 8 lads...that worked out well and was lovely to think that this boy didn't thikn girls weren't worth bothering with in this type of party. DD and the other girls are the quiet girls in the class which was interesting.

Original poster
Picturesinthefirelight · 21/01/2014 10:09

And he goes to holiday club/ after school sessios st the place that is running the party. The leader des a cobalt his school too.

OP posts:
QueenofKelsingra · 21/01/2014 10:09

not sure what age your DS is but my DS has just had his 4th birthday party and I explained to him that parties were about spending time with the people who he really likes and plays with and he picked 8 friends from pre-school and then 6 from out of school. I will never being doing a whole class thing and I wont be doing the 'well he invited ds so I must invite him', it will always be DS's choice of a few close friends. I'm hoping that by the time DS is old enough to realise some people do whole class parties he will be already secure in the thinking that that isn't how we do things.

as a general rule of thumb, less than half or all is a good idea. another one that I will be bringing in probably next year is 'you are 5 so you can have 5 friends' or 5girls and 5 boys or something tied to the number which helps stop numbers getting out of control.

Original poster
Picturesinthefirelight · 21/01/2014 10:11

Ds loves girls but they don't like him (its a bit of a sore point)

He does want to invite two boys from other classes who are also in the oddballs group if kids (I suspect they get excluded a lot too)

OP posts:
AwfulMaureen · 21/01/2014 10:12

Aw. Bless him....they're at a funny age though aren't they. OP just invite who he wants...as someone else said, there's a chance a couple won't be able to come anyway...always the way.

QueenofKelsingra · 21/01/2014 10:13

x-post with OP, in that case why not tell him he can invite 11 people (he makes up the 12) and let him choose who he wants, boys or girls. at his age I would expect he is old enough to start to understand the idea that you cant be friends with everyone and you shouldn't try, focus on the friends you have and not on 'getting in with the 'it' crowd' - a few good friends is much better than a raft of sort-of-friends IMO

OpalQuartz · 21/01/2014 10:13

Makes my blood boil when parents hand out invites in full view of children they are leaving out. I agree Formerbabe Awful behaviour.

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