to think that my mother has the world's most selective memory?

[DealForTheKids]

NC'd for this.

Just got off the phone with my mother, who was telling me about a woman who had come into her workplace today who had recently been sectioned (she doesn't work in healthcare, in case that's relevant). She then said 'of course, none of us [our family] have ever had MH problems, so there for the grace of god we go'.

I have suffered from depression throughout my life. I started self harming at the age of 13 and carried on right into my 20s, having had nearly a decade of various therapies and three stints of ADs. I tried to commit suicide twice - she drove me to the hospital herself one of those times - and drove me to CAMHS sessions every week for about 4 years. She is aware of all these things. In fact, one of the things I've spent a lot of time dealing with in counselling is the guilt I feel about how my depression affected our entire family. I didn't want to bring up something we really don't talk about any more, so just gave a taught 'mm' and changed the subject.

AIBU to be slightly confused and upset that my mother appears to be pretending the last few years of my life didn't actually happen??

It is possible that she simply doesn't view depression as a mh issue, she may associate mh issues with conditions more along the lines of schizophrenia. Some people really do not realise just how common mh issues are or just what comes under it.

I don't think it's all that uncommon, Deal. I've struggled with depression at times in my life, and been medicated for it, which my mother is well aware of, as I was once visiting my parents when I tried to taper the pills too fast and had a horrible time essentially going cold turkey.

When I was pregnant and worried about postnatal depression, my midwife asked about any history of MH issues in the family. My mother's father had electro-shock therapy and was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, and her half-brother suffered for decades with schizophrenia. (I don't know any more details, as it was never discussed.)

Yet when I mentioned this to my mother - in the context of a conversation about giving family medical history when booking in), she got very agitated and said 'But, oh but that's not anything to do with you! That's not the kind of thing they mean at all!'

My mum is very dismissive & nasty about mental health problems - she found it dreadful when I had postnatal depression - she actually had it as well after my brother was born but refused to go for help & eventually recovered. She is dismissive of her sister "X is a depressive you know" & flatly refuses to acknowledge that she might need some professional help after losing Dad 2 years ago although dealing with depressed & bereaved people is part of my everyday job but hey what do I know?

My Mum thinks that everyone these days should "just pull themselves together".

Perhaps its a generational thing that was much more shameful when they were young?

I find it extremely unhelpful though

Some people don't consider depression as being a mental illness as such. I have a relative with a full on mental illness which will never be cured and even I might put them in a slightly different category to someone with a depressive illness. Not saying that's right though.

We were talking to family members recently who we don't see from one year to the next. They are closely related to the person with the mental illness and seemed to either not know about it or to be in complete denial. It was very odd, like a dirty secret. Mental illness still carries a huge stigma unfortunately.

Firesidechat speaks perfect sense.Mental health issues for we older people are incurable with the horror of being locked away.

Depression can be treated?Hope I do not offend anyone.

She may just define MH as something vaguely to do with severely abnormal social behaviour, a danger to themselves or other people.

If DM doesn't know that being sectioned is a means of assessing somebody as opposed to simply being "put away" because one somehow poses a threat she might find she upsets other people too. YANBU to notice and wonder.

YANBU- that must have been very hurtful for you to hear OP. It's as if she has not acknowledged your very valid and difficult experiences.

But YABU because MY mother has the world's most selective memory!

It's bizarre isn't it. When my mum talks about my teenage years, it is like she was living in a parallel universe to me. She acts all shocked and disapproving that she hears arguments and swearing by the teenager next door to them and says that she never had any trouble from me and my sister when we were teenagers. What I remember is lots of shouting, hitting (my mum) throwing things (my mum) constant put down and criticism and emotional cruelty (my mum) physical fights (me and my mum) Lots of suffering and unhappiness. When my mum talks you would think we were the Waltons.

I think a lot of people think of depression as an amplification of 'normal' emotions whereas consider something like schizophrenia as completely abnormal behaviour so categorise it differently in their heads. Unless your mother is completely unsympathetic to your mental health issues I would assume it wasn't an active attempt to shove your mental health problems under the carpet.

Sorry to hear this. hugs for you.
I don't think there is any point in trying to talk about this to your mum.
My mum is the same except that she never actually took me to hospital and has slightly more excuse for pretending that none of it ever happened.
And I am to blame too - I certainly would not tell my mum that I was seeking treatment for anything or want her to see me as officially "mixed up" or whatever euphemism she would put on it.
Despite this - despite working hard to keep all this from her - I resent her getting away with it, because at one time she was responsible for me and she let me down badly in those years. I will never confront her but I would like her to say "sorry, I should have taken you to the doctor". She never will, obv.
Well done for trucking on. Try not to let her get to you.

I have the same. or had. I don't have anything to do with mine any more.

I was never depressed.

NOR was I ever in an abusive relationship.

OTHER people were depressed/abused. She't tell me ALL about them. But not me. Apparently.

My DM never ignored me for WEEKS at a time if I had the audacity to let slip anything remotely alluding to the fact that I was having a hard time.

None of this every happened. T'was all a figment of my imagination.

Apparently.

My FIL is the same. He has real prejudice against anyone with mental health problems and has said no one has ever had mental health problems in his family. He stopped saying it to us because my DP always said - oh yes except for x who had bipolar, y who had anorexia, etc etc.

I am sorry your mum is trying to rewrite history like this. It hurts.

I've confronted mine.

Makes naff all difference, they just deny to your face and get snappy if you don't STFU.

No point in trying to get irresponsible people try to be responsible.

Meant to add. she'd be "oh so worried' about me to her friends/family. They told me how concerned she was, and were shocked when I laughed with incredulity!

The denial of any 'issues' is ALL to me. She would tell them all that she did/said to help me, but all of it was in her imagination.

DealForTheKids it is really hurtful, this lack of acknowledgement/validation. But it means NOTHING about you. Her failure to support you is HER FAILURE. You did and do deserve better. I hope that somehow you can come to terms with the hurt this has thrown up.

the only thing I was able to do was to arrange my life so that I didn't need her and her validation. I put other support mechanisms in place.

then if you stop expecting her to step up, and being hurt when she doesn't, it won't hurt YOU so much. YOU are the only one that's important here.