to never want to see my BIL again?

[monalisa28]

I love my older sister but our relationship is being ruined by the fact I don't get on with her husband. They've been together about 5 years. He's moody, racist, homophobic and a misogynist. To the outside world my sister presents an image of marital bliss but I think the reality is different. I suspect she walks on eggshells with him and that he's an emotional bully to her. Our mother hates him and our other sister thinks he's a shady porn addict.

Anyway, I've suffered him till now, always trying to be polite and not rock the boat. He comes to my house with my sister when they visit and chats with my husband but totally ignores me. At Christmas he said nothing to me, not hello or goodbye or anything, except to pipe up and say if I die he'd rather put my two small children in to care rather than look after them with my sister. I laughed it off as a joke.
Yesterday my sister messaged me to say they were coming over at the weekend. I asked her if we could visit her instead, as that way I can choose a time when he won't be there. This fell on deaf ears so I tried to say in the most diplomatic way possible that she should leave her husband at home. Eventually I had to admit that I'm not happy with him after the way he treated me at Christmas... then it all blew up in my face.
At 11pm last night I got a phone call from my little sister to tell me that big sister and her husband were having a massive barney and that he'd packed a bag and was leaving. Whaaaat? Now I'm to blame for this apparently. I'm angry with how this has all been blown out of all proportion and I'm being blamed for her fragile house of cards marriage. Ifeel sorry for my sister who was reduced to a snivelling wreck by his behaviour but I don't see why I should take the rap. What should I do now? Help!

This isn't your fault but your BIL is turning it into your fault. I would accept no blame and if your sister tries to make you don't take it. She is as much to blame as him if she lets him treat you badly.

My SIL's husband seems to actively dislike DH and I despite not really knowing us. He is openly rude to us especially me as he figures that I am an easy target and not likely to bite back. The rest of DH's family expects us to put up and shut up so as not to rock the boat. It's amazing how overtly rude people manage to control everyone's lives because of the need to keep the peace.

If you're lucky she'll leave him and be happy.

Well if no one says anything, no wonder he carries on.And if he sulks/causes an atmosphere-tell him to fuck off home-or leave if it's at his house.

So it's the ops fault they are fightin now because she said something.. But it's also her fault for having not said anything earlier?

Maybe it#s just his fault for being a wanker?

monalisa28 "The abuser/bully thing is totally unproven. It is only what I suspect. Although it does seem to have been supported by his behaviour of last night."

"He's moody, racist, homophobic and a misogynist. To the outside world my sister presents an image of marital bliss but I think the reality is different. I suspect she walks on eggshells with him and that he's an emotional bully to her. Our mother hates him and our other sister thinks he's a shady porn addict."

What makes you think he is such a bully? He ignores you, yes, but speaks to your husband. Why does your mother hate him? What makes your sister think he is a shady porn addict?
What does your DH think of him?

"Hopefully you'd also divorce your husband if he refused to speak to your sister except for to make jokes about how he would put your children in care if you died"

Well yes-but then hopefully I wouldn't just laugh if he said such a thing either.

I wouldn't say my BIL & I get on fantastically well-not much in common.

But we do speak to each other & aren't nasty to each other.

What we do have in common of course is that we both love my sister & niece & would never want them to feel they had to choose.

No, I'm not saying it's all OPs fault.

Her sister is probably upset that OP has told her she doesn't like BIL.

She may have spoken to him about this/his behaviour & they argued, but is OP being blamed for that?

littlemisssarcastic, all my 'allegations' against him are just that. He walks in to a room and controls it by saying nothing. It's simply his demeanor and the mood swings. He's so unpredictable.
My Mum thinks he's ignorant and rude. She thinks his presence ruins every family get-together. My husband thinks 'he's a knobhead' but as is his nature, prefers to keep the peace and smile at the racist jokes and comments designed to pull my sister down. My little sister dislikes him almost as much as I do. She hates the way he is always pulling her partner to one side to talk about porn and slag women off, and she hates the way you never know whether you're his friend today or whether it's one of those days when he hates your guts.
He's always making snide comments about my sister to the other men in the room. Just little remarks to undermine her. And she goes nowhere without him (unless he's at work). A few years ago his laptop broke and he gave it to my husband to fix. My husband found his porn downloads and they were really misogynistic. I'm sure lots of men watch extreme porn but it made me hate him even more.

So according to little sister he never left last night. He just sat on the step with his bag packed until he felt his wife had cried enough. How cruel.
And I just got a message from my big sis. She said she hasn't been ignoring me but has been in a meeting all day. She said she never saw any of that coming and that she was just going to leave it now in case she made it worse. Short but sweet, no kisses.

Maybe respond with something like "ok well I'm here for you and we can work out why it all got out of hand". If she really hasn't seen that side of him or in huge denial then it won't help to point out that everyone else thinks he's a controlling knob.
I can see it being a softly softly approach

She needs to leave him. I hope you can help her to do so.

I don't think that my sister will ever walk away from this relationship. She was engaged to be married and came home to find him in bed with her best friend. Her self-worth was low after that and she quickly went on to marry a violent control freak. I hated him too, funnily enough. She presented an image to the outside world of a happy marriage but I could see the change in her. She left him after 7 years when he held her at knife point, and confessed to a catalogue of abuse. Now I think it's happening again. She's pretending everything is perfect but we can see he's controlling her and she won't have a bad word said about him. I think I've lost my sister now. She's told me to stay away. I'm gutted, for me and my children. But mostly for her.

Stay in touch with your sister as much as you can. If it blows over, keep meeting for coffees. If she says no, never stop offering, and regularly. Abusers try to alienate family. Don't ever let that happen. Hopefully one day she will be able to leave, and at that point it will mean everything to her that you didn't give up on her. It also gives him that little bit less hold over her when friends and family are determined to be there for her no matter what. She won't openly thank you for it, but she'll need you to do it.