To feel out of my depth with ds

[Hoo]

Am a regular but have name changed as I don't want people in RL to know about this.

ds (9) has always been prone to telling small lies to make him look better. I would say he has low self-esteem and always appears desperate to be loved (and he is, very much). We have always dealt with this by telling him not to and that we love him just as he is.

He was caught out in a biggish lie just before Christmas and, after a long chat, promised never to lie again.

Over the last two weeks, this has resulted in a littany of confessions about things he has done wrong over the last couple of years. I have asked him to stop this but he won't and keeps getting up in the middle of the night to confess more.

The things he has confessed to include tall tales, stealing from my purse, cheating at school, stealing at school, trying to look at sex on the internet and out right lies.

I am at a loss - I had no idea about anything other than the tendancy to fib. I don't know what to do. Ds appears distraught (but is also prone to histrionics, so I am not sure how much of this is real).

This is not the child I thought I knew.

Ds is promising that this is all in the past and so far dh and I have held to the line that we accept this and, as ds has learned from his mistakes, we will all move forward but I am really not sure what we should be doing. I cannot really believe any of this - feeling slightly stunned.

AIBU to feel out of my depth and what would you do?

I think thetallesttower has it spot on op you have realised your son is not perfect and is flawed like most humans really now you need to deal with it

We have tried to make him feel that other people do these things. We had family circle time (at his suggestion) and his sister confessed to some things which made him feel better. I also told him about some of the things that I did as a child and that, even as an adult, I can tell tall tales. I would agree though that we have probably made him feel bad as initially when this started, we wanted to make him understand that the behaviour was inappropriate - I also let him worry about it for a while while dh and I worked out what to do. However, once the "confessions" started, we realised that ds was more upset than we had thought and our priorities changed.

I think you are right that no more is required from him. What I need to understand most is what is required from us. My own parents' response to this would have been draconian so I can't draw from my own experience.

look up love bombing

Thetallesttower - you may be right. I never had him down as the perfect child, but it did feel like too much at once to integrate in to my image of him.

Spindly "being the star of a massive redemption narrative might be a good way of getting attention" - oh yes! I definitely sense a degree of this.

you know what parenting is bloody hard work they throw curve balls all the time I went through lying with one of mine and it is upsetting but we tried not to focus on it negatively iyswim

OK - as I understand love-bombing, it is lavish displays of affection to boost self-esteem. That sounds good. Will order Oliver James' book.

You have listened to him about the family time, has he come up with any suggestions about how things should be dealt with?

I would make a very conscious effort to focus on positive behaviour he shows using descriptive praise so I gets it reinforced that good behaviour gets noticed not just taken for granted. I am guilty of taking advantage of when the DC are quiet etc to get on with stuff and only intervening when they act up - so if they want my attention they act up. I have noticed a difference since I changed my focus to the behaviour I like (which I woefully failed to do this morning ).

Hoo perhaps you were just too terrified as a child of being told off (or worse) and this drove your desire to be good. In some ways, your son is much better off that he can tell you, even if it is coming out a bit wrong and all at once!

My children are in the main honest, well-behaved and so on, but even they have the odd fall-from grace, sometimes spectacular. One of mine had a lot of difficulty distinguishing truth from fantasy and it has been much harder to get over the concept of lying to her, as she really thought it quite normal to exaggerate, tell people what they wanted to hear, or just outright lie if cornered. It has taken years to get her to even recognize she is lying and then for her to see the value in telling the truth.

Mrsjay is right, parenting is hard work!

so it gets not what I typed

No, love-bombing is about reconnecting with the child and really listening to them- so no lavish displays, but allowing yourself, just for a small amount of time, to be led by them and for them to get to do stuff with you on their terms. Often children's desires are very modest, like your son and his family circle time!

You don't have to go the whole weekend hog if you don't want, even 30 min a day is fun.

for me love bombing is about letting the child pick and have 121 time - one of my dcs chooses a 10p bag of haribo and to go to bed just me and her and watch a movie uninterrupted.

I think you have a very anxious child and that is the thing you need to address - the rest is just symptoms.

Does his school (or you) have very high academic standards which he struggles to meet? Are you sure he is not being bullied? Has there been any major upset lately ... loss of a grandparent, house move?

I suggest having a look at these two books:
www.amazon.co.uk/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=BJZHM8V4MKWM&coliid=I1XM5MA5YP7RXO
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1575420686/ref=oh_details_o01_s01_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

The second is intended to help with bullying, but it is also useful for improving self-esteem generally.

DS1 asks me to watch him play a FIFA 13 match on my phone. I have to watch slo-mo replays of every goal he scores. It means a lot to him.

aha parenting this is a great site

What To Do When You Worry Too Much - seconded. Brilliant. It actually gets you to spend time together chatting about, stuff, as well which is why it works. A program for child and parent(s). I used to have a very anxious 5 year old until we worked through that book. Now I have an 8 year old who tells me about things she is worried about, which are not out of proportion or unreasonable.

I would agree that he is very anxious. His older sister is very strong academically (scholarships etc) but he has always struggled more. For that reason (and to stop him being overshadowed by his sister who is also very confident and outgoing), when we moved them from their state schools, we moved them to different schools. His school has a strong emphasis on the strengths of the individual child so I doubt that he feels under too much pressure from that source.

On the other hand, I think he may feel under pressure from home - he is aware of how easy his sister finds things and that we set quite high goals for her. We have never meant to put ds under pressure of this kind as he is totally different from his sister, but maybe we have.

I feel much better talking to you lot. An anxious child with inadequate, over-bearing parents is much easier for me to get my head around and deal with.

I'm sure you are not inadequate or over-bearing! It's so hard when your children suddenly present you with a problem you don't know how to deal with. I've felt my entire parenting life that I'm one step behind the children and only seem to manage to get on top of problems a good six months after they hit.

Some great books have all been recommended, they all reiterate the importance of active listening- the idea is not to try to deny or minimise or excuse or get cross when your child worries- which is very hard. Funnily enough, once you start listening and properly empathizing they seem to do it much less, sometimes our responses make it unwittingly worse.

Hoo
We are all learning - I'm interested in the books posted too as I know there are things that I could help DS1 with better. One major surprise for me has been how much more emotionally vulnerable boys are than I expected - I am a bit disappointed at myself for buying into the stereotype.

with inadequate, over-bearing parents

... if you were that, you'd simply be screaming at him and grounding him for the rest of his natural life. Some children (and adults) simply are worriers and need a bit more support in dealing with "stuff".

Punishment for wrong doing attracts a punishment. Punishment for lying about the wrongdoing attracts 2/3's as much in addition. DD is very clear than I can accept lapses in behaviour but that I loathe liars!

However, I an also very careful to word things that she's a good give who occasionally does bad things and that we love her but hate her behaviour at times.

I'm also very careful to be consistent in punishments and that she knows behaviour is always rewarded or punished.

Oh gosh, I was the most goody two shoes child ever but I once stole a gold crayon from school because I'd never seen a gold crayon before and it felt very special to me. I then moved schools and spent the next few years feeling horribly guilty about it

It was totally out of character for me, just one of those weird things kids sometimes do and don't really know why.

Thanks everyone. Joysmum - I have always adoped that line too. However because of the levels of anxiety involved and that ds is trying to do the right thing by confessing everything he has ever done wrong, I am just not sure that my normal approach would work here.