To expect my mother to listen to me after 30 years of telling her never to buy me anything?

[Pinkspottyegg]

That's all really. Despite me telling her not to waste her money (and she is not well off), she buys us stuff for the house from those Sunday supplement mags. I know I should feel grateful that she is there and willing to buy me stuff but instead I feel resentful that she either doesn't hear what I say or chooses to completely ignore what I say. I am then left with stuff I neither like, want or need despite doing everything to try to avoid it.

yanbu. My mother was like that. I remember as a teenager coming down on Christmas morning to a large pile of presents (I'd asked for very little) and her saying happily "I don't think you'll like some of these things, but I wanted to buy them for you anyway." 15 years later I still don't know how I was expected to respond!

Can't you just refuse to have the stuff in your house?

My mum's like that, I hate it, I don't think there's anything you can do. I even tried just not accepting things, she leaves them anyway and then complains about how hard up she is.

It's so difficult coz I know she is doing it out of kindness but I think it fufills a need in herself to feel useful. I just pass it on or take it to a charity shop. But I know she'll wonder where these things are.

I just bite the bullet and say that it wasn't something we'd pick ourselves and remind her that I keep telling her not to buy us stuff. She then says "oh well I'm awful sorry" in a kind of off hand manner. So she's either annoyed with us for not appreciating it or with herself for not listening to us. Even if she just asked me first but she sneaks things in under the radar with a great sense of urgency, almost like if she does it quickly then I cannot say no, but the outcome is just the same. So portable shoe polishing kit anyone? Expandable shower caddy? Shite looking carriage clock?

My mother used to do this and I jumped on the credit crunch to say 'that's it - no more crap'. I also said my OH is a minimalist and we were getting rid of stuff so don't buy any more please as we have nowhere for the stuff we already have and it might end up going straight to the charity shops.

I said if you DO want to buy me something then I'd love this and that's all.

N.B. this points to something I do want or need

I would refuse, partly because I don't want any old crap in the house and I'm stubborn!

Partly because she can't afford it. Surely, if you consistently refused to have the stuff in your house, she would stop buying it?

I wonder, though, if she uses giving stuff to you as an excuse to see you? Is she lonely?

It isn't kindness if the person doing something doesn't care what the recipient of their so called 'kindness' thinks or feels. It really isn't.

Kindness is doing something thoughtful for someone. It isn't thoughtful to ignore what someone tells you that they want (or don't want!) because you've decided they're having it and it doesn't matter to you how they feel.

Whatever reason she is doing it - it isn't kindness. It's about her, not about you.

So I'd just tell her straight that you love her, but she has to stop doing this and if she cannot, then items that she gives will be taken straight to the charity shop. And do it. Not quietly like you do now, but openly. So she knows what is happening.

If you don't keep anything and she knows you don't, then she will stop doing it.

And try and find out why she's doing all this and help her with whatever the underlying cause of her behaviour is. A need to feel useful? To contribute? A reason to come over? Be close?

Interesting. I'm sure she is probably a bit lonely but she could do more herself to overcome that. I always tried to visit her each week when she stayed about 70 miles away. Two years ago she moved to be nearer me and the rest of the family. I make a point of visiting once a week and will take her out somewhere, usually around the shops and lunch. Also call in if I'm passing. She can still drive though is nervous about driving on unfamiliar roads. You could set your watch by her. She doesn't join any groups, nor socialise or call upon old friends. Spends her days knitting, watching TV, doing crosswords. Says she's quite content with that but it must be mind numbing. My brother and SIL in-law are nearby and do similar. Grown up grandchildren call in when they can. She's the sort that wouldn't feel hungry at dinner time of 5pm but eat it anyway coz that's when you always eat. Leaving it to later would be too far out her comfort zone.

I think I've managed to sell it on Gumtree :) yay

I agree with iseeyou. Its all about her and nothing to do with the recipient. I had a friend like this, she'd spend loads on my family despite agreed limits and it made me extremely uncomfortable. As with your mum, on the face of it, the giving appears generous but the giving was about her and to hell with how it made me feel.