to be feeling jealous and a bit wary about visiting.

[yorkie11]

I know I probably abu but just wondered what others though.
Background. We have 3 dc. Youngest unplanned and born a year after my mums death and several years after my dads death. (D) h has said some quite nasty things about latest dd. (Should have been aborted etc etc). Obviously our relationship is pretty crap at the moment. Also my dh only had a couple of days off following my csection and mil shows favouritism towards dd1.
My lovely sil is about to give birth to a long awaited child. I just know her dh is going to be so caring and supportive of her. Also mil is going to be the same. Of course she was great to us when our dc were born but of course it is different when your own dd gives birth. They live near each other too and she is going to provide rugular childcare when she goes back to work.
I know I shouldn't feel jealos but I just can't help it.
Aibu

Regular and jealous

You miss your mum and the support you know you would have had? I understand exactly where you are coming from. My mum died very suddenly when I was pregnant with DC1. Her help and guidance would have been impossible to calculate.

But, being jealous of those who still have parents isn't the way to deal with your own raw grief. I think you need to tackle that first.

No, you are not being reasonable. I think I would feel the same in your situation. The question remains however, what can you do to make your situation better for yourself and your dc.

Not unreasonable, I meant. Sorry.

It sounds like your primary problem is 'd'h.. I'm sorry to hear that he has said such awful things & not supported you

I'm not surprised you envy sil's position, but rather than waste your energy on that perhaps you need to find the strength to improve your own situation

I can imagine how you feel, my xh was pretty useless too and we ended up very unhappy before splitting.
When your own life is shit it's natural to feel jealous of others who are having the happiest time of their lives.

The solution is to make your own life happy and stop wasting it.
I have a happy life now and never feel jealous of others.

For now though the best way to cope with it is to be rally gracious and visit with gifts and lots of well wishes. The jealous feeling will dissapate when you do that, it's the image you are jealous of not the reality.

I understand exactly what you mean in some ways. I had all my children far away from family. All in different places. My exh worked away. I was shocked by my feelings of jealousy when younger family members went on to have children and have all the support that I never. It still gets to me now, years later. No resentment, just mixed up jealousy, sadness and a sense of loss in a way for not having the experiences it seems most people have.
The other point is your husband. The things he's saying are vile. Someone better will come to advise you on that, but I will say it's not going to help with your feelings of what seems go be isolation.

I always feel a bit jealous when someone has a baby because I loved having mine, it natural.

However, when I remind myself of the sleepless nights and hassle of it all I feel better

Op what are you planning to do about your life and your husband?

You can't help ho you feel and it's perfectly understandable. But you can help how you behave so I would try to keep my reactions as they would be expected to be. You will feel better if you hide your feelings on this and avoid an issue in the future.

The solution is to make your own life happy and stop wasting it.

Clever ledkr it's excellent advice.

Get some grief counselling and start to tackle the resentment in your own marriage. You don't know anything about your SIL's life other than what she chooses to reveal so comparing your sadness to what you percieve is counterproductive and dangerous.

Be kind to her, she's just had a baby!

I think we probably need a night away or night out to discuss this. So hard to have a difficult conversation at home.
Of course I will be kind to her. I will put on a bright face just like I did when I spend 1st Christmas without my mum with inlaws. I have even forgiven her daft comment along the lines of at least your mum can't embarrass you. Not forgotten yet but forgiven.

I understand why you would feel jealous...my children have no grandparents and I feel very jealous and bitter when my friends talk of grandparents helping with childcare or taking the kids for the weekend to give them a break.

As for your dh, that is a whole other issue!

YANBU.

But I do think you need to look at tackling your own situation. It is not good for you or your children.

I can understand a bit why you feel jealous I think it's only natural.

However, what are you going to do about your h? If your dd picks up on this it could be devastating,

....The jealous feeling will dissapate when you do that.....

And that's a true thing - it will dissipate.

But the real problem here is your DH and not your SIL and/or your PILs. Can you plan to have an initial talk with him?

Yes need to talk sooner rather than later.
O and I have aldo found iut that mil was booked to look after dc whilst I wasbon a work conferencr. She cancelled lastminute due to having to take sil to hospital. Understood that. Turns out she never took her in the end.

Grr. Tablet has a mind of its own. Mil cancelled planned childcare to take sil to hospital. Fine, understood that. Turns out she didn't need to take her after all.

Just heard she has gone into labour. Won't be long.

Sending you strength and dignity yorkie you can do it.
Then set your mind to improving things for you all.

It's what your mum would have wanted I'm sure.

Thank you and yes you are right.

Yes, you can do it.

Once things have steadied for you a little, you might want to take your situation across to the Relationships Board for lengthier discussion.

Take care.

OP, you say your SIL's baby is 'long awaited' - she's probably been having similar secret feelings of guilty jealousy each time you had a baby, including an unplanned one, if/when she was trying unsuccessfully herself? Her DM perhaps wants to make up for all those years when SIL had to put on a brave face and be happy for you and your DH.

I agree with others who say the real problem is with your DH - I hope you can talk it through.

Good point. They had been trying for almost 2 years.