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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Messy disagreement

20 replies

monkeytree · 19/01/2014 22:23

A bit of a rant sorry but feels so much better to get things out. Had a big row with another childs mother. Both DC's attend same school and see each other in playground, share friends etc. DC attended an event hosted by a club they attend .DC recently did extremely well in club exams and when she gave her pass mark to other child who had apparently asked DC what her score was went off and told event leader who accused my DC of bullying and boasting and denied pass mark given was correct in front of some other dc's. Tried to point out that other dc in this disagreement is not exactly innocent (from past experience has wound dc up) via e-mail. Event organiser then maliciously passed e-mail to other dcs mother. Rang other dcs mother and told her was sorry for sending e-mail (even though content was true) and agreed to meet her to clear the air and apologise.

Turns out that event organiser had not collected full facts and reacted on hear say and other dc was reported to have been smirking as dd got told off in front of other dcs who now don't believe that dd has done as well as she has due to event leaders denial of this.

Went to other dcs mother to apologise. She stood above me whilst I sat on chair and basically told me how she was qualified in childcare and phycology and so she thought she could help me determine where MY problems lay in terms of parenting my own dc. Then asked me what had happened in my own childhood to make me react this way and the woman hardly knows me! Also she had a rant at DH on the phone telling him that he didn't set a very good example. A whole host of issues were then hurled at me the fact that I do go in and speak to teachers sometimes and various hurtful things my dd has alleged to have done. When I told her I believed issues lay with both dcs she was having none of it saying that her dd never gets jealous, competitive, instigates etc and it is all my dds fault (which it isn't) basically implying that her dd is perfect and our dd has issues because of our parenting. Also said she thought I was depressed - I'm very, very happy - family, friends, work, home, hobbies and certainly not depressed!

Our dd has no other issues with any other child and indeed looks out for a lot of smaller children at school we have never been called into school about her behaviour etc but other dds mother will not accept that her dd could be in any way at fault (but all dcs have their faults). Told me I had not apologised when I clearly said I was in the wrong and to boot said I was lying as I made my way out (this woman hadn't even read the e-mail I sent at this time but I told her what was in it anyway) it seemed she used the occasion to attempt to psychoanalyse me and vent over past issues (all said with her raising her voice, struggled to get a word in edge ways)

Sorry about this rant but how can you move forward with someone who wont agree that sometimes she or her dd is in the wrong so frustrating. Weird how she expected me to open up to her when straight away she made it out to be all our problem! DD now removed from club and hoping to join another much to my relief.

OP posts:
Bootycall · 19/01/2014 22:31

you can't do anything but going ahead just stay out of your dds arguments.

from years of experience I can say that kids fall in and out of friends about a million times a week, especially girls.

by the time the parents are involved and fallen out the kids are best mates again.

unless it's real serious bullying keep well out of owtty squabbles among kids.

Nanny0gg · 19/01/2014 22:36

I think something should be done about event organiser who started all this.

Are they in a professional capacity or just a volunteer parent?

I would be vary wary of my DC attending that group again.

Joules68 · 19/01/2014 22:36

I agree. You are way too involved

monkeytree · 19/01/2014 22:52

Thanks for your responses ladies. Yes shouldn't intervene. Told other mother that we should let the girls sort it out between them but she kept defending her daughter by telling my daughter that she shouldn't do this and that etc in front of her own DD. I asked her if she has issues to speak to me first if possible so I could deal. DD has been upset saying that this mother has spoken to her quite sternly about fairly trivial things when I have not been present. Naturally upset and protective when I feel that other mother is having a go at DD for no good reason by acting like a big sister to her own DD and in a not very nice way. Only too happy to speak to DD about any issues that's how DD learns!

OP posts:
monkeytree · 19/01/2014 23:01

Nanny

Yes very wary and have pulled DD out. Organiser is in a professional capacity and have had my doubts for quite some time now all come to a head with dd leaving club and trying to resolve ongoing issues with this mother. Have kept my distance from this mother over past months due to her advice giving re parenting and pandering to her own dd and trying to avoid potential conflict which has now arisen - she seems to try to give unnecessary advice/opinions to other mums too but they seem to put up with it.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 19/01/2014 23:07

Is there someone at the event that you can raise concerns with? Can't believe how she behaved.

monkeytree · 19/01/2014 23:18

Nanny no event organiser owns club. Next step Ofsted. Know I should pursue but now way too stressed especially with massive run in today felt like I've taken quite a battering. In addition have young baby and sleepless nights. When tried to explain this to other mother she said I couldn't say anything because she has had 3 years of sleepless nights with her 3 year old! Think she allowed both dcs into bed with her/slept on a mattress in their rooms. She doesn't work or attend any local social events/hobbies her whole life revolves around her dcs. Cant really criticize but she really attacked my parenting style today!

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/01/2014 23:30

As DD will now attend a different club hopefully this episode will soon be yesterday's news. The event leader handled the initial squabble poorly and you took it up a notch but the other parent must have got dizzy up there on her high horse . If your paths are likely to cross for a long time to come, maybe practise keeping her at arm's length and let DD sort her own battles out (better yet if she gives that girl a wide berth too).

monkeytree · 19/01/2014 23:39

Yes wise words donkey got angry and reacted I guess obviously would be concerned if any evidence of bullying. Bullying hefty allegation and shouldn't be used likely. Do need to stand back sometimes. Don't mind admitting my own/dcs faults but this other mother wouldn't entertain that her own dd could possibly be anything to do with it or any other instigating of spats (when according to dd she has displayed some not nice behaviour). Really frustrating because wanted to clear the air, now avoidance the best policy I think.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 19/01/2014 23:44

Tell the event organiser to take a look the Data Protection Act (1998)

By passing on your email they're in breach

Bootycall · 19/01/2014 23:52

hopefully it will blow over but obviously it sounds upsetting op, poor you.

some parents are just daft. hope your dd moves on.

saulaboutme · 20/01/2014 00:20

Sorry all I can think of is to tell you to breathe, relax, try to step back from this woman. Don't take in her intimidation.

When you feel better tell her to fuck off...hopefully this will do the trick.

monkeytree · 20/01/2014 09:29

Thanks to all, I guess I wanted to let of steam and be listened to and you have all really helped with that. Really upset by it but proud I have for once stood up for myself feel furious for thinking that mother has the right to dictate to me what she thinks is my/my dds problem without for one moment considering that her and her child might have something to do with it also!
Relieved that DD has now left club thanks for pointing out data protection act may look into that further my husband is not happy to let things lie with that woman who runs the club.

OP posts:
BonesAndSkully · 20/01/2014 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklymommy · 20/01/2014 10:10

As others have said I think the problem has escalated due to the event organiser. I definitely think that you need to complain. If she is a professional then she should be affiliated to a higher body. I would be makin a formal complaint to the higher body about her conduct.

Can I just ask what the club is? Not that it makes a massive difference going forward, but is it gym/dance/sport? All of these are very competitive areas and can breed discontentment among parents and children. It's sad that your dd was humiliated and branded a liar just because she got a higher mark.

monkeytree · 20/01/2014 13:58

Hiya Sparkl

Yes its ballet

Bones, yes all of those things whilst saying that dds behaviour was bullying to boot. According to other dcs mother the two girls had been separated because the ballet teacher had told her that her dds confidence was being knocked by my dds comments to her and bullying behaviour. When I asked the teacher about allegations of bulling as claimed by other mother and why it wasn't brought to my attention she stated that there was no actual witnessing by any of her staff of bullying and she was taking this action to look after both the girls interests however something was obviously discussed with the other mother concerned!
Really, really cross!

OP posts:
greenfolder · 20/01/2014 15:01

i wouldn't complain. I would put it down to experience. If anyone tried to drag it up, I would say that a line has been drawn and everyone has moved on.

it is a horrible situation and i feel for you. I have had bad experiences of dance teachers with elder dd and she is as neutral as they come! think sue heck from the middle.

you cannot prove or disprove unfounded and unattributed gossip. teacher has acted very badly indeed. but hopefully has absolutely realised this.

Sparklymommy · 21/01/2014 19:33

The dance teacher has acted unprofessionally at the very least. I would definitely complain. And I would be tempted to 'prove' your dds results by pinning the report form on the notice board

Ballet is a world of jealousy and pain though. My dd has learnt that the hard way. She just wants to be friends with everyone but there is one girl in her classes that is always jealous and snide and just generally unpleasant. It's such a shame.

monkeytree · 22/01/2014 19:17

Sparkly I agree it is a shame. Poor DD was convinced she hadn't done that well. I'm really proud of her and hope all this horridness doesn't affect her confidence. Trying out a new ballet school tomorrow - fingers crossed it works out well.

OP posts:
youarewinning · 22/01/2014 19:29

The ballet teacher is unprofessional. Need reporting to dance body she's affiliated to IMO.

Secondly what is with all this protecting the DCs feelings that others have done better? When I was in dance class many moons years ago the form of exam times was published on notice board and then the grade added when they were in. Some did better some didn't. I was the worst not great at ballet but always top grades for tap. However I was academic and learnt from a young age to accept my strengths and weaknesses.

I'm glad you've moved your Dd. She deserves a teacher who will celebrate success and support those who need some extra help.

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