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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messy teenage relationship situation WWYD?

43 replies

thecatgotthecream · 19/01/2014 21:25

Last year DS 19 started seeing a girl who is good friends with DD 17, they went out for 10 months and she was/is a lovely girl, they broke up two weeks ago, neither of them did anything wrong and it was a mutual break up, they argued a lot and both were very jealous and just decided to call it quits. Anyway DD has still remained friends with this girl and girl still comes round 3-5 times a week, but now just to see DD. DS has complained about this and now him and DD are arguing. Girl doesn't cause any drama and she came round a lot before DS started dating her, and obviously when he was dating her, so nothing has changed in about 18 months. But DS is feeling very uncomfortable and is getting very angry and I feel really bad, I mean who wants to see their ex at their home most days? But saying that DD has trouble making friends, she only has two other friends but they are very flaky and pick and drop DD just like that. This girl has remained very loyal to DD, even when she was dating DS she would always make a big effort with DD, still spending a lot of her time with her and since they have been friends DD's confidence has gone way up, the girl is very good for her and she has not done anything wrong. But DS is very unhappy! Arrrr what do I do???

OP posts:
selfdestructivelady · 20/01/2014 09:27

I think your DS needs to grow up.

glasgowsteven · 20/01/2014 10:41

If his sister dated his friend and they broke up, would he be happy with his friend being banned from the house...

Suck it up casanova...nothing gets you over the last one, like getting under the next one..when he has a new muse he will forget all about his ex...

Thetallesttower · 20/01/2014 10:46

3-5 times a week does seem a lot, was she round that often before they got together?

I suspect that this girl is coming round to see your dd to also see your DS, it would perhaps be more normal for her to avoid him and meet your DD elsewhere, or perhaps pop over just once a week.

She is clearly happy seeing him nearly every day, he isn't. I would chat to your DD about this- why can't they go to her house or out for a bit as well as coming to yours?

Of course your dd should continue her friendship, but I think she is going to get hurt to be honest when the friend moves on to another boy and stops coming over all the time.

And- while I think it's fine for him to go to his room or keep out of the way if she's round every now and again, if she's there 5 x a week, that's pretty much every night. I don't think that's fine in his own home and I suspect her motives for so actively continuing the friendship with his sister are not as pure as you might wish to believe.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 20/01/2014 11:27

I think you need to talk with DS about what he expected when he first went out with the girl, and the consequences he thought there would be and the actualities. Boys tend to talk more if you are doing something together (used to be washing dishes, but dishwashers have ruined that one!). He needs to think about this himself.

I do think tallesttower has something there - she does seem to be coming round a bit too often- it seems very intense.

I think you need to encourage DS and DD to go out and join some groups out of the house. This way, there will be evenings when one is out, thus avoiding as many clashes, and they will both be around other people, which will be good, if this girl moves on.

Danann · 20/01/2014 11:32

As harsh as it sounds I'd tell your DS 'tough, that's what happens when you date your sister's best friend' then maybe ask your DD if they can stick to her room as much as possible but I wouldn't ban the girl from coming round.

CiderBomb · 20/01/2014 11:36

If your DS doesn't like then tell him he needs to move out. Your house, your rules.

flowery · 20/01/2014 11:55

Of course she shouldn't be banned from the house, and yes it is a bit 'tough what do you expect in this situation', however I think DS also deserves a bit of sympathy here. Normal behaviour is to avoid one's ex, at least for a while. So assuming her coming round that often is genuinely optional, and her and DD could go elsewhere, I don't think it's unreasonable to be surprised that she isn't asking DD if they can go elsewhere for a bit, at least some of the time. Sounds like she's not overly happy with the decision to split.

coco44 · 20/01/2014 22:49

It kind of sounds as though she is haunting him

coco44 · 20/01/2014 22:49

5 times aweek is excessive!!

Annunziata · 20/01/2014 22:54

I think he deserves some sympathy! 5 times a week is too much, why can't they meet in the middle?

Abbierhodes · 20/01/2014 23:40

Ciderbomb, do you have boys? Would you really kick them out? Choose a friend of one of your DCs over the other? The 'your house your rules' bit doesn't even make sense in this context.

MrsCakesPremonition · 20/01/2014 23:45

It would be kind if your DD could see her friend at the friend's house a few times a week, so the friend was in your house less often. Just to give your DS a little space to heal.

But your DS can't demand that your DD and her friend stay away, and if need be he should remove himself from the situation if he feels it is too painful.

DollyHouse · 20/01/2014 23:46

I think he needs to get over it and try and learn from it. This is what happens when you shit on your own doorstep.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/01/2014 00:05

I think this is a valuable message to DS. People don't disappear when we stop dating them so best be nice and also consider fallout when you start dating.

I have a friend who, in his 30s, thought he could date someone we knew, treat her horribly, dump her and we would all dump her too. No chance.

differentnameforthis · 21/01/2014 07:11

So what happens if he has a relationship with someone at work & that fails? Will he demand she be sacked so he doesn't have to see her!?

DigestivesAndPhiladelphia · 21/01/2014 08:49

It sounds like the girl is coming round a lot. Does DD ever go to her house?

Also, although you have been told the break-up was mutual, there may be elements to it that you are unaware of. Your DS deserves time to himself in his own home if he is getting over a break up or possibly to avoid an ex who is still infatuated with him.

What if DS gets a new GF & wants to being her to his home? That could be even more awkward.

I hope the girl isn't using your DD a little in order to be around her older brother. I know they were friends before but it is possible that the girl liked DS from the very beginning.

mrsjay · 21/01/2014 09:03

I agree with other people l your son needs to suck it up it is his sisters friend although she seems round your house a lot do you think she is goading your son or trying to make him see what he is missing ? it sounds difficult but they need to move on dont get involved but perhaps suggest your dd and her friend sometimes meet at her house,

mrsjay · 21/01/2014 09:04

digestives that is what I am thinking I wouldnt want to be round an ex boyfriend when i was 17

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