to consider having a baby with my gay best friend?

[confuzzledanddazzled]

This is a name-change, for obvious reasons!

Context: I have a funny relationship with my ex. We met 16 years ago and split up three years later, just before I found out I was pregnant with our son. It was an amicable enough split, just in different places with our lives (and age gap was a problem). But we have stayed amicable, to the extent that he has a key to my house and we are very much raising our disabled son together, as he needs us both to be consistent. He comes to our house and doesn't have our son at his, and we go on holiday together BUT we don't live together and definitely aren't together.

However, we slept together on holiday last year and it continued happening when we got back. I ended up pregnant, and didn't tell him, while I decided what to do. I was very confused about the pregnancy and only told a couple of close friends. I eventually decided to go ahead with it and had started to get excited, despite all the many reasons why it would make life difficult, and was due to tell ex over the Christmas holidays, but had a miscarriage before I did so.

I am (obviously) in a funny place after the miscarriage and have gone from thinking being pregnant was mostly difficult and complicated to wishing I still was. I had got myself in a positive place about it and to miscarry was pretty shattering.

I don't want to properly get back with my ex, and I don't know if I'm able to think about meeting someone different, for complicated reasons that I won't bore anyone with, mainly to do with my son's acceptance of new people in my life. However, I am pretty convinced now that I do want another child. I don't think my ex would want another child, and I don't intend to 'get pregnant accidentally', so I am thinking about options.

My best friend is a gay man. We used to joke about having a baby together if I didn't meet anyone by my mid-30s, but it was just jokes. He is the closest person to me apart from family, and we are very similar in many ways. When I told him I was pregnant, I could tell he was struggling with it a bit; he kept joking about how people would think it was his (which is possibly true - some people do think we're a couple) and I really wanted him to have a role in it all. He looked after my son for me when I went to hospital and has been really supportive with it all.

He's a really amazing man who I love (not in that way, but that's a good thing in terms of stability) and would make a great father. And I think he has started to want children. I am used to sharing parenting with a man who doesn't live with me and there'd be no romantic/ sexual complications like there are with my ex.

Is this completely bonkers or is it something that could work? I know people will say I'm just reacting to the miscarriage, but in reality, I think the miscarriage has just woken me up to the fact that there's something missing in my life that I used to want. There's no going back to before the miscarriage but, even if there was, I'm not sure I'd want to as life had got very stagnant. I have a career that I love and my son has progressed massively, to the extent that I think he will be an independent adult, but I have got so used to living life around work and my son that I feel I have forgotten to think about what I want.

And I want another child, and don't have much time left. So, AIBU to
be even considering this?

No. Some of our friends had discussed doing it but changed their minds.

I think you'd need to talk a lot: how would you divide childcare and finances, would you have compatible parenting methods, what happens if one of you dies/wins the lottery/meets someone else/gets offered your dream job at the other end of the country/etc. etc.

If, after consideration, you would make compatible co-parents then have at it :)

Sorry, just seen the idea about fibbing re: length of pregnancy. He'd know - because I'm a bad liar, and because he knows which time it would have realistically happened: the night we both messed up with contraception. He does know I took the morning after pill after that night. But I don't want to tell any more direct lies. Sick of being fake.

I have only read your OP so I do not know the ins and outs of this particular thread's bum but if you want a baby so badly, feel as if time is running out and do not care about people's opinions (trust me, there are some bigotted people out there and the fact that a kid has two loving and devoted parents is not enough for them, they'd rather focus on the fact that the dad comes over in a hot frenzy after catching an eyeful of 'Torso of the Week') and have a trusting, solid, stable and respectful friendship with this man then what is the harm in bringing it up to him and discovering his view on this situation. Life's too short to be old and grey and looking back and thinking, 'what if I...' This could just be the best thing you ever did! ?

He is still thinking. I am thinking that I should back off while he does so, and not list all the pros and cons, and not try to influence him. I want him to make a decision for him, not to help me out. I really hope that he's not already decided no and is just putting off telling me because he knows I'm struggling at the moment. I also hope that I haven't changed our friendship by asking.

Everything bumpngrind said was spot on in my opinion.

It's a big decision OP - IMO it is a good sign that he is taking a lot of time thinking about it, because the worst thing would be someone who rushed into an ill-considered yes.

One thing to think about is you and your friend's opinions on parenting styles, and your methods of conflict resolution. Often friendships don't really require much in the way of resolving conflict - you do the things you like/agree on together and do the other things separately. No discussion required. Parenting, obviously, is different. Your friend may want a much more involved role than your ex has with your other DC, and may have very different opinions. You'd need to talk about how you'd resolve differences, and what things really really matter to each of you that you couldn't compromise on.

Views on education, discipline, routines or lack of, bedtimes, TV-watching, toys, etc. You will each have all sorts of views on parenting that just seem 'normal' to you, but may not to each other.

What happens if one of you gets a job offer a long way away or a new partner who gets a job offer a long way away?
What happens if the child becomes ill or disabled - who takes the long-term time off?

I think it can work, but a lot of discussion required.

I don't think you should do anything at the moment. While time is not stretching endlessly into the future for you at 35, your fertility is not about to end tomorrow either, so you can afford to take a bit of time and make the right decision here.

If your gay best friend wants to be a father, I think he'd make an ideal choice and it could work out well for all concerned.

The problem as I see it is your X, your DS's father. There are clearly unresolved issues in your relationship with him that desperately need dealing with one way or another before you throw another child into this mix.

Miscarriages can affect people in different ways. Once you are sure you have dealt with yours as well as you ever can do, I'd focus all your thoughts on your X. What are your feelings towards him? Why did you sleep with him? Why did you choose to do that knowing that it might pose a risk to your DS's relationship with him? You will need to be searingly honest with yourself to get to the bottom of all that, and then choose a plan of action that allows you to have a relationship with him.

IMO only once that is in place can you then think about how another child with a different father would impact on that relationship and whether you want that father to be your gay best friend.

I can't say what's right for you but a good gay friend of mine had a baby with his best friend and they made it work. The set up was a bit different to yours and they lived together (along with his male partner) and made a very good job of it all.

Families come in all shapes and sizes, I guess it's about making sure that everybody involved is comfortable and clear on the boundaries, which means lots of talking.

I don't see why you couldn't make it work though.

I know two people who did what you're thinking of OP and it worked out really well for them. I would think a huge amount of discussion is required beforehand though, on logistics (what if your gay mate gets an unrefusable job offer abroad or something?), parenting styles (ie will you both agree fundamentally on how to parent?), things like views on religion (or not) and education, holidays, how the child's time is divided, finance etc.

Also, you have to work out where your ex would be in this picture. He'd really have to be told. Is there a compelling reason why you'd approach your gay mate rather than your ex?

If meeting someone new and having a child that way is not the most pressing concern for you, I think you're right to consider going it alone no matter how you do that. For example, I was always very clear in my head that having children was more important to me than having a lifelong partner, so if I hadn't met DH, I would have done it alone or even with someone as a coparent. Other people place more emphasis on meeting someone first. I think that's something very personal to each individual and only you can decide what's more important to you.

More or less x post hopskip, I didn't see your post first!

If you do go down this route, I really think you should think of having a professionally drawn up agreement/contract.

A friend of mine had a baby with a gay friend. It all worked beautifully for a few years. Then gay friend's relationship broke down and the friendship (between my friend and her gay friend) broke down. My friend is now worried that about her gay friend trying to fight for custody at some point.

Great minds..., hellothere

Thank you, everyone. Lots to think about.

Yes, I would need to resolve things with ex. I think the sex is just because we've always been more compatible there than in any other way, but I do love him in the sense that he is my son's father. I think he has maybe more feelings for me but, ultimately, we're not compatible long-term.

So having a baby with him would confuse things further, I feel. And I would genuinely like my best mate to be the father of my next child - not just because he's there, but because he'd be amazing.

Re: parenting views, best mate and I share similar views on most things. He's been around since my son was tiny and so he has seen how I've done things and would, I guess, have said if he disagreed with anything I've done - we're quite open about opinions. I guess it would be different if it was his own child though. We have had rows in the past, usually when we've taken our friendship for granted, but we've always resolved things as our friendship is very important to us. He has got me through some very tough times.

Thank you all again for the advice. Whatever best mate says, I know I really need to sort myself out before making any big decisions about anything. I really need to be able to be back in work properly without crying over pathetic stuff before I even think of making any life-changing decisions!

Go for it ! It's no different to the huge swathes of people that have kids together who aren't in a relationship or split up. Expect here won't be any emotional baggage between you two, bonus! I think it's a great idea and more people should consider this.

I'd go for it. A wanted baby, two caring parents, a big brother? There are worse things in the world by a looooong way.

If your best friend really wants children and you are will to go 50/50 go for it.

Speaking as a first time mum in my late 30's I feel if you and your friend can offer a child stability and love then why not?

Parenting models are now pretty diverse and I wouldn't necessarily say the traditional family is 'better' or more stable.

If you explore the impact a second child would have on DC1 and on your friendship then I think you have a set of possibilities. I support and can see why you would rather have a known father than a donor - both have their benefits and disadvantages but a good friend who wants to become a parent too is very valuable and he will no doubt be enriched by the experience of having a child.

Went to the GP today as I'm really not coping as well as I'd like to be. Have been given a prescription for a week's sleeping tablets to see if sleep helps. But I can't see my feelings on having another baby changing, even with clearer perspective. I think best mate has decided no but is scared to tell me in case it tips me over the edge. No further forward with anything, really :(

OP have you thought about getting some counselling? You've got a lot going on emotionally at the moment, it might be good to talk it through with someone neutral.

Go for it. He probably won't get another chance, you really want one, and you both get on really well.
The rest is details

Counselling was suggested, but someone I know works at the place that they use, so am nervous. Also not sure how I'd fit it in. Work is hard enough and I'm behind enough as it is.

Trying a sleeping tablet tonight to see if I can have a weekend without crying, having had some sleep!

Thanks again.