to be worried about my parenting?

[PeriodFeatures]

dd is nearly 5 months old.

things have been ticking along nicely. Breastfeeding exclusively, sleeping well, getting out to groups/meeting friends etc. Everyone says she is a contented and beautiful baby.

DH had a bout of depression closely followed by a badly broken ankle meaning he was unable to do anything for about 3 weeks. We have no family close by and I had been doing everything for DH and DD. About two weeks ago DD sleep changed, waking up more etc. She is now teething and has been really uncomfortable.

She is also having massive screaming fits. These seem abnormally extreme.

They happen:

Getting a coat on
Getting in the car seat
Coming out of the bath

She also screams when she wants to move, jerks her legs out rigid, pulls and thrashes at my boobs, gets absolutely frantic when trying to get teething toys into her mouth. Seems utterly frustrated with herself at times and seems to be most calm when being carried around or in the sling.

I am knacked and feel like i have nothing to give. I hate hate hate her looking up at me and screaming inconsolably, i feel like she hates me and the screaming fits are going to develop into a full-blown behavioral problem.

Am I being unreasonable to think the fact that i am knackard/feeling frustrated/ emotionally detached/feel incapable of providing for this lovely little being's emotional needs is related to these epic screaming sessions and very very strong protests?!

Please be honest. I do wonder whether i was feeling loving and more in tune she would be less stressed.

Not wrong nope. Entirely natural.

Some great advice here, just wanted to add my support. You sound like a brilliant mum - caring, concerned, self-reflective and loving. Please please cut yourself some slack. When you're tired and things are a bit tough, that self-reflectiveness which makes you clearly such a stellar mum is also the thing that can turn against you, making you question and doubt yourself. DON'T. It sounds like it has been a tough period altogether, what with your husband's illness (and depression is inevitably hugely stressful for you as spouse, because it's emotional and amorphous) and injury. The first year is HARD. Wonderful but constantly changing, so that just when you think you've got one thing sorted, it all changes up on you.

It will get better. Even if it's hard to detect any discernible shift I promise that it will get better gradually. Some excellent posts with advice about possible causes for your baby's crying, but I'd also say as others have, it's a tough age. They've become so aware, they have crested so many developmental peaks at that age. I think they almost reach a point where they are a bit overwhelmed by it all, almost like they're resisting some of the newness of the next stage of babyhood (if that makes any sense at all).

My advice is prioritise your own sleep. God, easier send than done. I have a 2yo DD and still find it hard because I can't manage to get to bed at a reasonable hour. Oh, and if poss find some simple guilty pleasures that you can build into your day or week - a regular TV series on the laptop, a baby-mum movie session, um, anything that just takes you out of yourself. IT WILL GET BETTER!

Oh, and just wanted to add - I totally relate to that feeling of symbiosis, like your emotional wellbeing is so deeply connected to your baby's. I think I used to beat myself up a bit in the way you are doing, wondering if my mood was responsible for DD's. What I've learnt, delightfully, is that that deep interdependence is great but it's also kind of an illusion. It's probably hugely advantageous in an evolutionary sense. But, they're their own people in surprisingly strong ways. Even when little. As they get bigger you see how robust, how independent, and how self-protective they are. A really heartening book for me in early months was 'What Mothers Do: Especially When it Looks like Nothing' by Naomi Stadlen. Highly recommend.

It is absolutely not your fault at all.

I had a wisdom tooth come through recently and it was really painful! Made me think back to me complaining what a fuss my dc made about teething when they were babies. Ds is now 7, has had two adult molars come through and asked for Calpol several times at night because it was really sore. Maybe try some Calpol or neurofen and see if that helps? Even if you don't want to give it regularly, it might give you an idea as to whether it's pain that's making her grumpy.

You sounds like you're doing pretty flipping well. Pat on the back for you. In my experience, teething stops as quickly as it starts (it will be back later when the next teeth come, but this session will stop.) Might stop tomorrow...you never know!

One thing I came round to pretty slowly is....don't stint on the calpol/ibuprofen. I'm not suggesting drug the child to the eyeballs, but I was really stingy with it for months and months. I think it was some kind of snobbery on my part, thinking it was the cheating way out and i was a better mother for withholding it. But it helps them with the pain, so it's almost mean not to give it really. And if you give a few doses and they don't really need it, the world won't end. I'm sure you know you can give calpol then ibuprofen 2 hrs later, then calpol 2hrs later, then ibuprofen 2 hrs later if its really bad (up to the max daily amounts obviously) .

You said you feel like she hates you...but also say she can often be happiest in the sling? Sounds like being carried close to you is something she like a lot.

One other thought....can you afford to get a cleaner in for a bit so you can do less in the house and have a bit more rest.

I am sure you are doing an amazing job. Particularly as you have so many other things going on, you are exhausted and you can't imagine not being exhausted ever again.

A thread I read on here said that at least once a day leave your baby in one room and go and have a cup of tea in an another room. Only for five minutes, but give yourself a tiny piece of time out. If you can't get it from any other adult support make sure you give it to yourself. It will be best for all of you.

Can you start mix or only bottle feeding?

Or maybe, could you go and stay with some family? Even for a week or so. So that you and your husband could build up a bit of resilience again.

Poor you, sounds like you are being very harsh on yourself.

Babies are developing constantly and things they enjoy one week can cause a screaming fit the next. I never take the good phases for granted and pull out the MN favourite 'this too shall pass' when times are tough.