To take DD new outfit back

[Notanothernamechangerr]

DD turned 14 in oct. Her outfits have always been jeans, vests, skater skirts with leggings, nomal appropriate clothes. For Nye she had been invited to a party in a rented hall from her school friend, she was very excited about it for weeks, she was doing very well at school too so I had given her £30 to go shopping for an outfit with her friends. The plan was for her and two friends to get ready here and friends parent to pick them all up and drop them off at party. nearly had a heart attack when the girls came downstairs, full faces of makeup, big hair, tiny skirts, crop tops, one of her friends had 4 inch heels, but by that point friends mum was at the door, the girls were excited and needed to leave they were already running 15 minutes late and girls mum didn't have an issue with what her daughter was wearing so I let her go to the party looking like a prostitute. Since then her wardrobe has started changing, she gets quite a bit of money from MIL for clothes and she has been buying loads of crops tops, push up bras, tiny skirts. I've talked to her, made her get changed before leaving the house, made her take her overdone make up off. I don't have a problem with her wearing makeup but we're talking thick layers of orange foundation, blush that hasn't been blended, spider eyes, bright red lipsticks, fake eyelashes! She doesn't listen though just does her make up and gets changed at friends houses.
We have planned to go out as a family with my parents for their anniversary next Saturday for a meal.
DD has just come through the door after a day out with her friends, primark and new look shopping bags on her arms, she tells me excitedly she has bought the perfect outfit for the meal and goes to try in on to show me, ffs bum skimming sparkly black hot pants, LITERALLY bum skimming, tiny white see through crop top and MASSIVE strappy heels. My parents would have s heart attack. Her dad would cry and her DB would feel sick. Can I make her take this back? Can I make MIL stop giving her money for these clothes? MIL doesn't have a problem with these clothes, says she looks very nice even when DH has begged her to stop funding the awful clothes and makeup!!! DH and I are at a complete loss :(

Yes. Whatever other agreement you manage to come to, how she dresses for family occasions has to be appropriate. Which means that if she'd wear it to a party, it isn't.

Your DH had to have very firm words with his mother and get the money put in an account or something so it doesn't fund these clothes. She's your daughter. MiL's opinion doesn't count.

Then try and find some teenage fashion icons that don't look like strippers/prostitutes that she likes and take her shopping yourself.

Have you talked to her about safety and unwanted attention?

I think she's too young for that outfit but with my 16 year old I would and have talked about how other people treat you if you're wearing very revealing clothes, try to look older, wear too much make up etc.

So for example I would 'let' her wear it to a family party where she was 'safe' but wandering the streets then no.

I always start by saying 'you look lovely', how pretty that black eyeshadow is etc before I then ask more probing questions.

You want to avoid saying 'you can't wear that' as much as possible. And you never, ever, use the word prostitute - remember the young girls are trying out their really crap make up and styling skills.

I've had to get into an argument about 3 times - it wasn't great.

There are other ways you can deal with this - it's quite funny to put the outfit on yourself with the bad make up and just follow her down the street for a couple of minutes - my friend did that

Whatever you do try to ignore what you can.

Yes of course you can. You are the parent, and sometimes although it is hard, you have to exert some authority.

Hmm I am in two minds here... (and I have a preteen who is very into clothes)..

I think for the family meal you can insist she takes the outfit back and wears something else that you choose together.

However... With her friends etc I think you have to accept to some degree that she wants to fit in and despite the fact she might look absolutely hideous she is obviously wearing what is fashionable and appreciated by her friends. I think you should let her get on with it. ...

But - maybe as an idea how about taking her to benefit or Mac and letting her have a proper free makeover so she can see how to apply make up properly. Maybe she doesn't really know esp re the foundation (but yes black panda eyes in fashion etc not much you can do about that).

I also tend to think if horrid men are going to letch at young girls they will do it regardless of what they are wearing. But do talk to her seriously about safety as im sure you do.

My best friend at 15 had a mum who used to vet what she wore - she used to get changed at the train station in to clothes shed hidden. I wouldn't want that to be my dd.

First thing I'd do is take her to a make up lesson and buy her some decent make up. Book it with a young make up artist so your daughter doesn't think they are too old to know.
Then I'd sit her down and come up with some family occasion clothes rules together.
At other times I'd let her wear what she likes.
Fun times!!

I should make it really clear that I am in no way a rape apologist or think that young women shouldn't be allowed to wear whatever they like without freedom from harassment.

However, a young teen just 14 but with enough badly applied slap and a revealing outfit is going to look vulnerable and less cared for than a sensibly dressed teen. In my experience it isn't that lechy men think they are 'up for it' or anything like that but instead it looks like the young woman may have a less vigilant parent round and therefore more easily exploited.

I remember being this age or a touch older and having some really high platform heels that I loved (I'd been given them by a friend) I had also just started to wear shorter skirts and I can remember my parents telling me I couldn't leave the house in one outfit.
I think I'd had a bit of a growth spurt and was suddenly quite leggy and very slim, but I didn't really notice that. I loved how I looked and appreciated it was flattering but at the same time I can see now that I didn't really understand that I looked a bit too grown up.

Your daughter is probably the same. So firstly at 14 you can definitely still be controlling her access to money, she's not old enough to earn her own (when she can spend it how she likes) so it's time to stop MIL giving it directly to her (a conversation for your DH), secondly she has now discovered make up so there's no going back.

What you describe sounds like the standard look for that age group from what I see, but try and influence her into something more flattering. How about a make up lesson (not at the expensive make up counters) and then spend some of the money she has on 17 or Rimmel?

And thirdly, clothes I think the usual line you'd say to friends in the changin room when they loose their mind and want to buy the PVC leggings "I do like it, but I think this outfit looks soooo much nicer on you, it really flatters your figure". And if that doesn't work well there's always the line my mum came out with: "it's not a fashion parade you know?"

I think you would be wise to discuss her dress sense and make up habits and not allow her to wear her latest outfit.

I would also get her taught good appropriate makeup and hair and would put my foot down about certain clothes, I have done all these things with dd and didn't really care if I was seen as unreasonable. If she started to want to smoke drink vodka or have a boyfriend sleep over I would have control and its the same with the way she goes out looking.

Its not a good argument to let her wear what she wants or she'll get change out. As I said if it was drugs or drink would you let her do it 'safely' at home so she didn't do it behind your back?

My dd is now 32 and her dd is 13. I have worked with street teenagers and would say that a lot of problems occur because parents give up for an easy life. If she doesn't guide her dd over this has she abdicated her parenting over everything?

I had the same issue with my sister as there is a 16 yr gap between us so I was like her 2nd mum. I got round the makeup issue by taking her for a free session at a beauty counter. The beautician showed her which colours suited her & how to apply it properly. Surprisingly, it worked as she looked less like a tramp & more classy with the right colours etc.

She is going to want to experiment now but instead of coming down hard because she will resist, work with her instead. So take her for a proper bra fitting & maybe book a personal shopper at a dept store where they can suggest styles which would suit your dd body shape.

As an ex teenager, I was more open to ideas suggested to me by outsiders than my dm. The next few years with her being a teenager will be tough so don't alienate her on the clothes issue. Good luck.

I have a 17 yr old, for family events ,i often insist on leggings under short skirts or shorts, to keep the grandparents happy, for teenage parties she can dress as she likes unless she is gettng the bus home alone late at night then i insist on a long coat,i know it is not her responsibility to manage what men think of her but i worry if its late at night.

We weren't allowed to go clothes shopping without mother at that age. But mum let us wear whatever we wanted and if she didn't like it we'd just get a withering 'well I don't have to be seen out in it'.that usually worked.

I do pick my battles to be fair as I know this is the fashion sadly. If her bum is hanging out she's sent back upstairs, if you can see her knickers back upstairs, if her shirt is see through back upstairs! When she first started dressing like this I would say oh yes you look nice but could you maybe pull your skirt done a little bit? You would look even prettier with a vest under that top ect and she would be happy to do that at first but now her clothes have become more and more revealing and she will not compromise anymore, she has taken it to a whole new level, worse than her friends :(

However I do like the idea of me dressing like that and inviting myself out with her :D

Personal shopper session could be a good idea I just did one for the first time and feel positively evangelical about it! and an appointment with a make-up counter. Maybe arrange it with a few of her friends so it's a fun afternoon out, followed by something fun where they can look fabulous?

It may be 'the fashion' in some areas but certainly not all girls that age are dressing like that and I think you aren't happy about it so you need to be strong. Having a teenager isn't easy but at that age you should still put your rules in place. By the time they are 17 you have to step back bit but not yet!!!! I wouldn't say she looks nice if she doesn't - encourage her to dress in a way that she does look nice.

That's quite an idea, why don't you copy her look one day and ask her how she thinks it would look to a stranger?

I have a sister at 14 y/o. My Mum kept telling her not to hitch her skirt so far up as she looked ridiculous. Sister wouldn't listen. My Mum ended up pulling her own skirt right up under her boobs and walking around the house to demonstrate. Sister hasn't done it since...

My dgd lived with me for a while and is very well endowed and apt to choose rather revealing clothing. Comments from my friends/son along the lines of 'yes, you have very nice tits but you can put them away now' did the trick, generally.

I'm sure we all remember battles with parents over clothes. Wish my mum had sent me to a personal shopper to boost my confidence and help me learn some style instead of just criticising every nasty jumblesale sale find and skimpy sale bargain I wore.

Yanbu.

She is very young and at 25 I find myself horrified at what girls 10 years younger than me are wearing. I often finish work late and see lots of under 18's in my city centre off to under 18 club nights.

They look so young and vulernable

There's also the fact that there are family event appropriate outfits and er not.

For my step Grandmothers 80th birthday meal one of my step cousins (22) wore a breast baring top that was so inapropriate I wanted to slid under the table. I was 23 at the time.