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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it isn't her fault and she needs support?

29 replies

Morgause · 18/01/2014 06:59

A group of us from university have kept in touch for the 30+ years since we left. Most of us live fairly close together and we meet for lunch a couple of times a year and stay up to date with each other in a facebook group.

The OH of one has just been sent to prison for a crime she knew nothing about. She and her children are devastated and she's struggling to cope. Most of us are trying to be supportive but a couple are privately bitching about her and trying to drop her from our "group". We are due to have a lunch soon and these two don't want her to come.

I don't think she'd feel up to coming but I think she should be invited and that we should all be supporting her as she's supported us through difficult times in the past.

I'm feeling more inclined to drop the two bitches. AIBU?

OP posts:
Mumof3xx · 18/01/2014 07:01

Not at all

The other two don't sound like they would be very good friends for anyone

darjeelingdarling · 18/01/2014 07:02

YANBU.

poor woman Sad

Jinty64 · 18/01/2014 07:03

YANBU. She has enough trouble at the moment. You are being the real friend. She is better off without these people and you will be too.

feathermucker · 18/01/2014 07:11

YADNBU!!

The other two sound horrible.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 18/01/2014 07:13

Depends. What was the crime? I take it a fraud or something? Where these two question if she truly knew.

In their place I'd be inviting her. If I felt that way I'd want to see her and make my own mind up.

Truly though she's the same person. And they are being shallow.

HoneyandRum · 18/01/2014 07:18

Unfortunately it's in situations like this that we all find out who our real friends are.

YANBU

complexnumber · 18/01/2014 07:18

Are they questioning the notion that she knew nothing about the crime?

Groovee · 18/01/2014 07:21

I'd drop the other 2!!! You are being a true friend.

My friend's husband passed away suddenly about 16 months ago and she said people she thought were friends seem to go out of their way to avoid her.

Original poster
Morgause · 18/01/2014 07:24

No one doubts that she knew nothing. That's why I'm so cross with the others.

She really is a genuinely lovely, trusting person and she would be the first to reach out to anyone else in the same position.

I am determined to see her on her own before the date we set for the lunch and equally determined that she will be invited and if anyone else doesn't want to come then stuff 'em. I'm hoping enough of the others feel the same way.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 18/01/2014 07:30

I would drop the other two.

I knew someone with a close connexion to a person convicted of a major crime (about which they knew absolutely nothing, and in no way could have colluded with). The level of local public vitriol to this person who had done nothing wrong was staggering and horrible for them to live through.

Stand by your friend who needs you.

hoobypickypicky · 18/01/2014 07:34

Is it possible that the other two women privately believe that she knew something about the crime despite her protestations? Or is she/do they think she'll be "standing by her man" when he's released, which is why they don't want to associate with her any more?

Original poster
Morgause · 18/01/2014 07:41

I suppose it's possible that they think she knew. They'd probably have said outright if they did, though, they aren't reluctant to speak out as a rule.

Knowing her she will have him home although she says she isn't sure. We never socialise with partners, though, so none of us will have to see him again if we don't want to. None of us have any kind of relationship with him or any other partners, although we went to each others' weddings. The friendship has always been just us.

OP posts:
hoobypickypicky · 18/01/2014 08:08

Hmm. It's a tough one. If the crime was one which really went against all my morals and the criminal's partner was seen to be supportive of it by standing by him/her I'd cut them out of my life too but I couldn't expect or ask anyone else to.

If I were in the shoes of the other 2 women I think I'd decline the invitation to meet as usual, let the rest get on with it and catch up with them at a later date. In your shoes I'd suggest this option to the other two women and tell them that although I respect their decision I didn't want to be stuck in the middle of the disagreement.

Lolalocket · 18/01/2014 08:14

YANBU in so far as it is not her fault. However if she was standing by him after committing a crime like for example child abuse, rape or murder I would find it very hard to have anything to do with her as to me that would be like condoning the crime. I would find it difficult to be friends with someone whose moral compass was so different to my own and she was willing to stay married and expose her children to a person who committed such crimes.
So it does depend on the crime I think.

Original poster
Morgause · 18/01/2014 08:18

I haven't said what the crime is because a crime is a crime and all crime goes against my morals at the basics. I think a lot of people would think it "no big deal" ifyswim.

Whatever it was, she knew nothing is my point when dealing with the others. Her local friends are being very supportive, although a few "fair weather friends" are avoiding her.

OP posts:
hoobypickypicky · 18/01/2014 08:37

Being an eternal cynic I'd argue that she says she knew nothing of the crime (to coin a phrase, 'well, she would, wouldn't she?'!), but still I say that maybe the other 2 women don't believe her.

Not all crimes go against my morals, tbh. I'd be supportive of the woman who stood by someone who stole an abused elephant from the circus, feel meh about the woman who stood by a tax evader but couldn't forgive the woman who stood by the rapist.

BohemianGirl · 18/01/2014 08:46

I haven't said what the crime is because a crime is a crime and all crime goes against my morals at the basics. I think a lot of people would think it "no big deal" ifyswim.

Again it depends on the crime and whether she is standing by him. I might think the crime is pretty heinous and she should LTB. On the other hand I may not.

Many moons ago I used to read another forum where a woman had a sex offender for a husband and she continually justified his paedophilic behaviour. So you see, there are crimes, and then there are crimes, and then there are women who stand by their man no matter what. Then of course if she somehow profited from the crime and had no remorse I'd also probably judge.

However, If as I suspect, it is money crime against the state (tax evasion etc) i think she is rather daft telling anyone about it and should have passed him off as working abroad. Why people continually wash all their dirty linen in public is beyond me.

Original poster
Morgause · 18/01/2014 14:04

Definitely white collar and he had already begun to make reparations when he was caught. He pleaded guilty and is full of remorse. His solicitor thought he would get a suspended sentence.

I see that there are crimes and other crimes but my friend is guilty of nothing so I cannot attach any kind of blame to her and wouldn't whatever the crime was.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 18/01/2014 14:24

Yanbu.

All crime is crime but if say, her husband was in prison for rape and she was standing by him after the event then I could see why your other friends didn't want much to do with her.

But that isn't the case. I think they are being unkind.

KellyHopter · 18/01/2014 14:30

What does 'bitching about her' mean, in this instance?

Surely that's a crucial detail for anyone to have an idea of whether they are being U or not?

What is it they're actually saying, what's their point?

Original poster
Morgause · 18/01/2014 14:34

They are saying they feel uncomfortable having a friend whose husband is in jail and they aren't sure they want to stay friends. Like they are too good for her now.

OP posts:
DameDeepRedBetty · 18/01/2014 14:44

So her husband was basically a light-fingered complete idiot but not a vile bastard.

yanbu. I'd like to think my friends would support me if DP made such a monumentally stupid mistake.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 18/01/2014 14:45

Someone I know went to prison last year, for something they were innocent of. It's amazing how many people have dropped her, and also dropped those of us that have stuck by her.

Someone being imprisoned can bring up all sorts of emotions. It's a circumstance none of us ever think we will have to deal with, so when it happens, we don't know how to react.

That said, these two either need to shut up or sod off. What your friend doesn't need right now is fake friends. I'd be inviting her for lunch by yourselves.

ChippingInWadesIn · 18/01/2014 14:49

'They feel uncomfortable having a friends whose husband is in jail'.

Shallow as a fucking puddle - dumped. Job done.

Original poster
Morgause · 18/01/2014 15:13

Thanks, you've all said pretty much what I feel.

They get dumped, we stay friends.

OP posts:
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