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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

701 replies

slowcooker · 17/01/2014 20:10

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 17/01/2014 22:19

My three girls have a step mum - if she posted this I would cry

Thatisall · 17/01/2014 22:22

My dd has a step mum, if she posted this I would try to discontinue her contact with her

5OBalesofHay · 17/01/2014 22:23

Sorry, that sounded twatty and smug. What I meant was marriages and kids throw all sorts at you and sometimes you just have to dig deep into inner resources. I wouldn't pretend for s minute its been easy. Rant away, we all feel like it sometimes.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 17/01/2014 22:24

I dunno about posting in step- parenting, just anywhere but aibu would probably do.

Aibu is where you got op saying 'I feel I've hit rock bottom lately' and then everyone piling in, 'nah, kick, this is rock bottom'.

SoonToBeSix · 17/01/2014 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thatisall · 17/01/2014 22:27

AIBU is also the place where you can say 'my SS reluctance to stay with his mother is damaging my relationship and him not being around will solve my many problems' and have 100 people very clearly say that you are being unreasonable.

Beamur · 17/01/2014 22:28

Y'know it's fine to have a rant, especially on an anonymous forum.
I'm still waiting for the OP to explain what is the problem with the DSS and his Mum. My SC's would want to see both their Mum and Dad regardless of the quality of their accommodation.
My SC's are great kids, no buts. But in all honesty when you have shared custody, it's great when the kids are here, but you get a rhythm to your life of time with/time without them. Wanting to have some time with your partner does not mean you hate your stepkids/are a bad person, blah blah.

CuriosityCola · 17/01/2014 22:28

So would I Gordy and I would be quite worried about the whole family unit. She does want a break from her dc too and presumably due to age gets that at a decent hour in the evening.

Just to clarify, I think the projecting feelings of resentment on step child is horrid. However, it a deflection of real problems here.

Notaddictedtosugar · 17/01/2014 22:29

I am shocked by the vitriol directed at the OP on this thread. I hope she is OK! It says on the OP that she needs a rant. Nowhere does she say that she has told her SS that she doesn't want him, or tried to push him out. People come on MN all the time to rant about their DC's and usually get support and sympathy. Is a step mum not allowed to have a rant when she is struggling?

CuriosityCola · 17/01/2014 22:30

Exactly thatisall. It doesn't move onto solutions. Just you are being unreasonable and repeat.

gamerchick · 17/01/2014 22:31

Obviously not!

ouryve · 17/01/2014 22:32

Why did you have a baby with your partner, OP? Did you not realise you'd actually be starting again with the full time parental responsibilities?

Sorry, but while it would be nice for your DSS to maintain a relationship with his mother, it's obviously not feeling welcoming for him there. You need to change your expectations for a few years.

Thatisall · 17/01/2014 22:33

I think quite a few people have pointed out that the poster needs some 'help'/ to speak to a professional.

gordyslovesheep · 17/01/2014 22:34

but she's asking for a debate - for views - she is asking Am I Being Unreasonable? - I don;t see why 3rd parties would get huffy because people say 'why yes you are' when asked.

People are giving her an opinion - it worries me that people feel the step parenting board members would all agree with her

Also it's difficult to offer solution when the OP wont engage with questions

Viviennemary · 17/01/2014 22:35

There is no me time when you have children. Whether they are your own or step children. It's not unreasonable to want a bit of time on your own but sadly at this moment in time it doesn't seem possible so you will just have to get on with it the way things are. A child should not be sent away.

Madamecastafiore · 17/01/2014 22:37

I'm with sparkly in this one and find it hilarious that you rant about not being able to walk around in the nude in your own house, trust me your DD will get to an age where you can't walk around the house naked too without causing offence.

CuriosityCola · 17/01/2014 22:38

They wouldn't agree with her, just maybe go easier on the personal attacks.

I think I am sensitive to this as my step mum was in a similar situation in that she couldn't cope with mine and my siblings visits. The dynamics were complicated and she was actually really unwell and received no support from anyone for a long time. She thought we were ruining her relationship with my dad. Anyway, whatever the ops intensions, it doesn't look like she is coming back.

Beamur · 17/01/2014 22:39

I don't think the step parenting board would simply validate that opinion, but it would be shared amongst people who aren't simply looking for a bunfight Grin
I love posts who suggest that posters should have used their clairvoyant powers and foreseen all possible outcomes and made the 'right' decisions at the outset. Let me get my crystal ball out now and never make a mistake or poor judgement again in my life.

needaholidaynow · 17/01/2014 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MollyHooper · 17/01/2014 22:46

I'm shocked that posters are shocked at such unkindness directed at this kid.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 17/01/2014 22:47

She wouldn't be agreed with on sp most likely
She wouldn't be torn to shreds though, gently steered in the right direction and given helpful advice

Not projecting my own problems onto you op but please be wary of getting dss to babysit especially as your dd is only 3.

The lad has two parents and they both need to meet his needs.
If one of those needs indirectly is for you to have time out, as a mother I would sort it so that you weren't so fucking frazzled you would possibly be cross at my son for something that was my doing.
To help promote a healthy environment for my son to spend half his time in.

I would call a meeting of the adults. You, DH, dhexw, see what can be done to improve things for dss and ultimately the whole family because this is doing no one any good obviously.
A name change and a post in sp or relationships will get you support and you can forget about AIBU

If it helps I've been on mn for seven years and only once asked a question in AIBU and although it went ok it's not something I'd like to repeat in a hurry.

MollyHooper · 17/01/2014 22:48

I'm shocked that posters are not shocked at such unkindness directed at this kid.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 17/01/2014 22:49

Lets hope the kids dont persuade you after a lengthy negotiation to go & live in a nursing home in 30 yrs time because they want their quality time. You are sounding like the stereotypical stepmother from the fairytales.

Family life is tough, compromises have to be made but yabvu to vent your frustration on your stepson & make him feel unwantef. He is your dh's & dc's family, please don't forget this. People do pick up subtle signals of hostility & resentment and it is not fair on your
stepson. It is time the adults came up with a practical plan for a 2nd bedroom & ground rules for the shared access rather than for hostilities to build up.

gordyslovesheep · 17/01/2014 22:50

I find all the vitriol toward AIBU a bit Hmm given that I only ever post here (and horses and cats to be fair - oh and camping!) and I am not a missive bun fight seeking uber bitch

but equally - if AIBU has such a rep - if people post asking a quesion that is bound to cause a reaction - should they be prepared for the answers. The OP has posted here before and on MN generally - she knew she would get honest answers

Monetbyhimself · 17/01/2014 22:55

MollyHooper you obviously haven't read many threads on the Step Parenting board. Sad.

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