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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD's friends calling her fat. AIBU?

27 replies

Lovestosing · 17/01/2014 11:15

Just that really. DD1 who is nearly 6 has started saying she has fat legs. At first I laughed her comments off and said her legs weren't fat but even if they were she can run very fast, she can jump, climb well etc and that is what her legs are for so they work very well. I wondered where she had got this from as I'm always very careful not to comment on anyone's weight, including my own weight. She told me one of her friends had told her she has fat legs. DD1 is extremely slim on her top half and has a slightly bigger half but she could in no way be described as fat. I told her not to take any notice of this friend and she seemed ok for a while.

Yesterday she had swimming at school and apparently quite a few of her friends were saying she has fat legs. She was really quite upset about it and TBH I feel quite angry about it, I am very worried she will get a complex
about it. So WIBU to talk to the girls' parents about it and just ask them to not comment on it anymore?

OP posts:

mrsjay · 17/01/2014 11:18

go to school about it I cant believe this is an insult being used by 6yr oldlittle girls how depressing It usually happens when they are a bit older Fat is an insult of choice for older girls, tell your dd that they are just being horrible and are not her friends and then go to school , dont approach parents if you can help it it can escalate into a feud, your poor little girl

Starballbunny · 17/01/2014 11:20

School, a skilful teacher will have a serious general word without bringing your DD into it specifically.

Original poster

Lovestosing · 17/01/2014 11:44

Thanks, I will talk to her teacher at pick up later. I just find it very upsetting that such young children are making these comments, especially when DD1 is so lacking in confidence anyway.

OP posts:

NynaevesSister · 17/01/2014 11:52

Yes definitely something to have a chat with the teacher about. Hope it is all sorted soon x

Ev1lEdna · 17/01/2014 11:56

I agree with the above. Go and speak with the school. It would be advisable for the school to have words with all the children not just the ones in question about how we shouldn't pick on someone regarding appearance, how it is cruel and hurtful - making the discussion general (so your daughter isn't targeted - although I bet she isn't the only one having comments made to her). It is good to start teaching our children these things now, the school will probably be on board with it. A lot of schools run anti-bullying week etc. so it could just be an extension of that.

Don't speak to the parents, it will only cause bad feeling and make matters worse.

I hate that little girls so young are using this as an insult or even noticing these things. It worries me immensely.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 17/01/2014 11:57

Children are incredibly nasty- the issue could be fat legs, sticking out ears, glasses, buck teeth, they're all fair game where kids are concerned. I would be inclined to tell her that people are all different, rightly so, and I would encourage her to answer these children back with 'that's a rude and unkind thing to say!'. I would mention it to the teacher too.

Topaz25 · 17/01/2014 11:58

Sadly her friends probably make these comments because they are feeling self conscious themselves. I would talk to the school so they are aware and can watch out for bullying and body image problems. Maybe they can address these issues in an assembly in a general way without mentioning your daughter.

mrsjay · 17/01/2014 13:09

I hate that little girls so young are using this as an insult or even noticing these things. It worries me immensely.

I wonder if it comes from home children notice when mum is on a diet or she says URGH look at my fat legs they are horrible or dad is going to the gym so he doesn't get fat , and children pick up on it,

MTBMummy · 17/01/2014 13:14

YANBU - it's incredibly sad

DD(4) was told she was fat by her best friend (also 4) who started primary school in September. DD isn't fat, we have to put belts on all her trousers to keep them up.

DD is incredibly upset by this and doesn't want to eat her meals as a result

PMDD · 17/01/2014 13:17

If you daughter is not fat but they are calling her fat then it is bullying and the school should do something about it.

In fact, calling nasty names is bullying full stop.

However, a friend of mine has a 9 year old boy who is morbidly obese who is also bullied by being called fat. She puts more energy arguing with the school over the bullying than she does ensuring her son loses weight.

BarbarianMum · 17/01/2014 13:19

It is a difficult path to walk though mrsjay. I'm obese and mummy's big, round tummy is a bit of a joke in our family. I would never describe myself in derogatory terms (fat is never mentioned) but I do say (when asked) that it is because I ate too many cakes. I don't discuss dieting in front of the kids but I do talk about eating healthy foods and doing exercise being good for you. I don't want them to think about their weights, or other people's, but neither do I want them to think the way I am is a good way to be iyswim. Luckily, being young boys they seem to escape a lot of the body imagery crap girls are exposed to.

Obviously changing my shape is the answer but that is proving difficult.

Rowgtfc72 · 17/01/2014 14:27

Dd who is six told me she had been called fat yesterday and it made her sad. I explained because she's very active she's quite muscular so bigger than her friends.ended up explaining if she started to look my size she can call herself fat and I'm only fat because I'm greedy and eat the wrong things! She eventually got the point that bits of me wobble and she doesn't. Problem is its a friends child who said it and they both have history for sniping at each other so not sure how to handle it.

zoezebraspartydress · 17/01/2014 14:36

ended up explaining if she started to look my size she can call herself fat and I'm only fat because I'm greedy and eat the wrong things! She eventually got the point that bits of me wobble and she doesn't

In what way is that supposed to be helpful??

zoezebraspartydress · 17/01/2014 14:37

If you daughter is not fat but they are calling her fat then it is bullying

Whatever size she is, it's still bullying! Beginning to see where these children get it from.

This whole thread has me terrified for my 2 daughters.

zoezebraspartydress · 17/01/2014 14:42

I can see where you're coming from Barbarianmum, but I honestly think that if you teach your children to be happy with their bodies however they are, and feed them healthily, not demonising certain foods (like cake!), they will grow up healthy and not obese. I do think that most obesity stems from dislike of ourselves and a negative relationship with food. We deny ourselves food we like, it becomes something delicious, enjoyable, but forbidden and naughty, and it all gets screwed up. I try to tell my children that we have to eat lots of different kinds of foods - so it wouldn't be healthy if we just ate vegetables, just as it wouldn't be healthy if we just ate cake.

westl · 17/01/2014 14:42

There is so much emphasis on healthy eating and being a healthy weight at school, that it is tricky to balance with 'it's ok to be fat'. It's not and they know that. They don't fully understand the idea that some truths are complements and some are offensive.

zoezebraspartydress · 17/01/2014 14:42

But OP, yes, definitely talk to the teacher. Also point out that people are all different shapes and sizes, and there is not one way to look that equates to healthy.

MmeLindor · 17/01/2014 14:48

Also ask teacher how they teach 'healthy eating' and where the emphasis is put.

DS came home saying that he wasn't going to eat so much cheese cause it's fat and that's unhealthy.

Sometimes well meaning messages get muddled by the kids.

I spoke to dd's teacher last year about how she'd be teaching their healthy eating week cause 11yr old dd said she'd have the low fat pizza cause it was healthier.

The teacher was fab and changed the focus of the week from healthy eating to living healthy.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 17/01/2014 15:06

My 11 yo DD went through a spell of saying she was fat (she isn't BTW she's a size 6 and tall) This was when she was a gymnast - the leotards are not forgiving

I was really saddened when I heard one of her friends saying she couldn't wear trousers because she was too fat.
I thought "Where does a girl hear things like that? "
At the time, they were 6yo.

Ev1lEdna · 17/01/2014 16:24

I'm sure it does come from that and from television/adverts, general media, there is an AWFUL lot of talk about appearance and in particular FAT - take a look at some of the opinions on MN. Some of them are quite unnecessarily unpleasant and this from adult, intelligent women.

I think adults are sometimes unaware of what they are saying and how it can be picked up so quickly by children and then used without them really understanding it. After all 6 is very young, but my 6 year old will repeat words and phrases he has heard, without having a clue what it really means. Sometimes I can even hear my own intonation in his little voice.

All we can do is teach children that saying some things is hurtful and unkind and be a little more vigilant about what we say in front of them (and I include myself in this.) I have to say I am very cautious about this particular topic with children as a result of extensive talks/writing about a variety of eating disordered individuals and hearing about some of their childhoods. I tend to shut down diet conversations if adults start them around children. I could be over-cautious of course ...

Original poster

Lovestosing · 17/01/2014 17:45

Quick update. I had a word with DD's teacher and she was horrified and very apologetic. She said she would talk to the class about it on Monday, obviously not mentioning DD.
I will monitor the situation very carefully and if it happens again I will have to do something else. I just feel so angry, I have always been so careful never to mention anything negative about anyone's appearance, and I've always made sure I've never said anything about my own appearance, it's just a shame other people don't do the same thing. Thank you for all your comments.

OP posts:

sheridand · 17/01/2014 18:06

I had this issue with dd, who is in the bottom 10th centile for weight and height and very tiny indeed. She's also a Summer baby and so is a full year behind her frenemy who informed her she had a fat tummy at PE time. I told her that she merely had not had her tummy muscles close together yet,( this can happen anytime between 2 and 7) and that, walking or biking 3 miles to school each day mean she was very fit indeed, and to say that as a retort. The teacher was informed and did a whole thing on healthy eating, exercise, and body image in PSHCE.

specialsubject · 17/01/2014 18:26

nice one, good for the teacher and you.

this is bullying and children need to be taught early not to be nasty little shits. Let alone ill-informed little shits.

much love to your daughter.

mrsjay · 18/01/2014 16:21

It is a difficult path to walk though mrsjay. I'm obese and mummy's big,

I agree it is difficult i just wondered why little girls so young insulted another using fat ,
OP glad you spoke to the teacher and didnt let it lie till it was to late

Bootycall · 18/01/2014 16:41

well done op. this is a worry isn't it?

it's so hard to tred the 'let's live a healthy life' but not oy comment negativity.

children also sometimes put weight in before shooting up in a growth spurt. my dss did this.

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