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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my dad shouldn't be treated like this..?

51 replies

Scarletohello · 17/01/2014 01:03

So my dad who is 81 and has dementia and is now registered blind went into a care home 5 weeks ago after I couldn't cope with looking him any more ( had moved back home the last year to be his carer)

I had thought it was all going well but I turned up at the home tonight to find him not in his room but in the bedroom of another resident, swatting in the corner, with his trousers and pants round his ankles and his underpants full of shit, having defacated in them. It was horrifying! I called for help but the staff were all too busy to come help him. With the help of my friend, we got his trousers and underpants off him, cleaned him up and led him back to his own room where we put pyjama bottoms on him, put his soiled clothes in a laundry bag and sat him in a chair.

Eventually a staff member turned up, took away his clothes and very blithely said, oh yes , last week he smeared excrement all over his bedroom wall, to the extent that the wall is going to need to be repainted.

WTF ? We are paying a lot of money for this home and we just want him to be safe and looked after but this seems unacceptable. I really don't know what to do. He has a toilet in his room but he can neither see it or remember its there. It was horrible to see him like that, I don't know how long he'd been like that or what would have happened if we hadn't turned up when we did. I know the staff are busy but surely this shouldn't be happening...?

OP posts:

LukeAtMe · 17/01/2014 01:07

It shouldn't be happening but it's difficult with limited staff. What if more than one resident has had a similar accident at the same time? That happened at the care home I worked at and it was horrible knowing that someone was sat in their own shit while we were hurrying to assist another resident with getting cleaned up.

I hope someone comes along with good advice for you. It makes me angry how understaffed care homes are. It's difficult for the staff who are there and horrible for the residents.

SparkleSoiree · 17/01/2014 01:10

I am really sorry you are going through this. We just want our family members to be safe and cared for, don't we?

Is it a specialist nursing home or a general residential home? It may be that they are not specialised enough in their level of care or support.

I have a friend and her family moved an elderly relative three times in the space of two years before they found the right home where she was properly cared for and looked after.

I would be having an urgent meeting with the manager of the home and discussing the current care afforded to your dad and any shortfall in that care.

Spermysextowel · 17/01/2014 01:11

I'm really sorry that I can't help as I wouldn't know what advice to give, but I truly feel for you in this awful situation. I hope that others will be able to direct you.

Original poster

Scarletohello · 17/01/2014 01:14

Thanks for your replies. I also posted this in elderly parents to see if anyone had experience of this. Although it was appalling I just don't know if this is the norm in places like this...

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 17/01/2014 01:20

Well if it is, it shouldn't be. Make a fuss and see your MP about it. Threaten them with the press - and look for a new home. I hope things improve for you both.

Spartak · 17/01/2014 01:35

Does he have a social worker allocated to him? If so they should be able to help you find a home which can meet his needs. It may be that the dementia is more advanced than the home is able to cope with. Unless he

has one to one care 24 hours a day, he will have the opportunity to wander around. Homes aren't allowed to lock him in or restrain him.

Going to your MP won't help and I can't imagine your poor dad would be wanting details such as these in the press.

olidusUrsus · 17/01/2014 01:36

Exactly what tall says. Kick up a fuss and get him out of that dump.

olidusUrsus · 17/01/2014 01:37

I can't imagine your poor dad would be wanting details such as these in the press. Surely it's worth it if it means highlighting the distress some residents of care homes are put through? It could prevent the same happening to him or someone else.

Spartak · 17/01/2014 01:37

I hope that you find a solution. I know it's not much comfort, but I'd imagine your dad has no idea what he's doing when he does these things, and won't remember them happening.

rabbitlady · 17/01/2014 01:38

not exactly the norm but not unheard of.

my mum is in a nursing home, in a block with many dementia patients (she's not demented. she has a long history of mental illness and it was the only place that would take her).

make a fuss. visit regularly and without warning. keep records.

Spartak · 17/01/2014 01:42

It surely depends on why its happening. If he's mobile, he will be able to go wandering around the home. There will not be the resources to have someone follow him.

Lots of people with dementia have issues with toileting both in homes and when living in the community. It's not necessarily a sign of abuse or neglect.

dillite · 17/01/2014 01:53

You are not being unreasonable.

From experience, having worked for a years in care homes, I can unfortunately say that it is "normal"- there just simply isn't enough staff, especially if it's a busy time of doing dinners and putting people to bed after dinner. I am not saying that it is right or that that's how it should be, but unfortunately, because homes do not want to hire more staff, it is unavoidable.

I have a friend that works in a home with 70% of residents suffering from dementia. She does nights and staff have been cut from 4 down to 3, and that is to care for 36 residents. When these changes were brought in staff kicked up a massive fuss, contacting their local council, MP, CQC, paper but nothing happened as according to the guidelines 3 staff members is enough to look after 36 very confused and vulnerable residents.

Original poster

Scarletohello · 17/01/2014 06:03

The problem is that he simply doesn't know there is a toilet in his room. He can't see it and doesn't remember it's there. I think the reason he was pooing in another resident's room is because when he was at home he would feel his way along the landing until he reached the toilet and as he thinks he's still in his own home, he's doing the same thing. I really don't know what the solution is.

OP posts:

Mimishimi · 17/01/2014 07:04

It's probably not intentional neglect, just understaffing.

paxtecum · 17/01/2014 07:38

Private care homes are businesses that have to make a profit.

Some maximise profits at the expense of staff and patients' welfare.

claraschu · 17/01/2014 07:59

I am so sorry that you and he are going through this. Seeing my beloved parents get old and suffer from dementia was the worst thing I have had to cope with. We were lucky that my parents had enough money to pay for 24 hour care at home when I could no longer do everything, but even that was often horrible and demeaning. I don't think there is really a good solution to the problem of caring for so many helpless people. It is a huge and difficult job, which is not valued by our society.

Can you pay for some extra help for him? Can you arrange to have some one drop in as often as possible? Do the carers seem compassionate and proud of their jobs (was this just an unusual bad moment)? If not, are there other homes you could look at? I think really good places do exist, but there are not enough of them, and they are probably very expensive.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 17/01/2014 08:16

Sadly this is common when looking after too many people with dementia. The patient to staff ratio in this country is appalling.

First step OP is to arrange a meeting with the home manager to discuss if they are able to meet your father's needs. I doubt this is a general residential home though. If there are other residents there with dementia its an EMI residential home so they are supposed to be equipped to care for your father properly. Unfortunately what most people living with dementia need is one to one care. This is extremely rare tbh. Can you imagine the cost? No home, privately funded or otherwise, will be willing to pay out for this kind of care. We have a huge crisis in elderly mental health care in this country, its all very well the government rattling on about shocking levels of care but no one wants to pay for it.

If you are happy with the staff in general but its the lack of staff you are concerned about, definitely put in a complaint. Just don't be so quick to blame the staff for lack of care. It is the staffing numbers that are the problem.

ladypanbanisha · 17/01/2014 08:20

Ring your local authority and ask to make a safeguarding referral if you are really worried about the level of care at the home.

Even if a full investigation is not required the monitering team will often inspect homes that have had concerns raised.

olidusUrsus · 17/01/2014 15:01

That doesn't make it ok, Mimi.

NewtRipley · 17/01/2014 15:11

Is there anything you think the home could do to help him to find the toilet? This seems to me to be the first issue to address.

I wonder if there is some specialist advice or resources out there to help with his orientation to his new environment - maybe from an OT or a dementia charity.

Original poster

Scarletohello · 17/01/2014 15:23

I rang the home today to voice my concerns but they seem to think its normal. He simply can't remember anything so he can't learn there is a toilet in his room. He needs 24 hour care but that's not possible

OP posts:

NewtRipley · 17/01/2014 15:33

I suppose I was thinking about visual cues such as lighting or signs, but of course that depends on the level of his visual impairment. Smells, even? a certain air freshener that he associates with the toilet at home?

These may not be suitable ideas.

I am so sorry you and he are suffering this. It's not right that people should have to wait for assistance in soiled underwear.

Topseyt · 17/01/2014 16:03

I am so sorry to hear you and your father are suffering this sort of indignity. I don't really know what to advise, other than that I would be wanting an appointment with the manager of the home to discuss his care because this is totally unacceptable.

Perhaps contact the Care Quality Commission for advice too. Aren't they the regulatory body for care homes? Would it be worth considering a report to them?

I do get rather worried by some of the stuff you hear about care homes, especially with the state of my terminally ill MIL, and the fact that my own parents (currently still healthy and living in their own home) are no spring chickens either.

Enough of me though. I do hope you get to the bottom of what is happening with your dad, and whether or not he is getting the care he needs. I have heard of people sneaking webcams into their relative's room occasionally, to see what is actually happening when they are not there. I'd consider trying it if you suspect things are not as they should be.

hiddenhome · 17/01/2014 16:06

Sadly, understaffing is a chronic problem in these places. We sometimes have to choose between feeding someone or taking another person to get changed out of soiled/wet underwear

There is never enough staff.

All you can do is complain and see if they have any answers to the problem, but it's really hard to keep track of everyone at all times and we have the odd person who will wee or defecate in odd places.

NewtRipley · 17/01/2014 16:07

Dementia care has been at the bottom of the agenda for years.

There has been some good work over the years by OTs and Clinical Psychologists around dignity and maintaining people's individuality but staffing and training is still a problem.

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