Treated like a fool yet again. No sleep. Need advice

[jester68]

Well found out last night that my partner of nearly 12 years has been chatting to woman online/exchanging dirty pictures yet a fucking gen.

Found out 4 years ago nearly he did the same sort of thing but thought it was all over with.

But no. Obviously I ain't enough for him.

Even been speaking to the one lady as she messaged his gmail account that I found last night after something wasn't adding up.

Been telling them that we no longer sleep together etc. Fucking lies. All of it.

What the hell am I supposed to do? He is 16 years older than me and have been together since I was 18. I turn 30 this year. We have 2 children aged 7 and 3. (oh yes the last time I was 7 months pregnant with my youngest when I found out)

Someone talk to me please. Tell me what to do?

What a loser.

Sorry you're having to deal with this.

It's got eff all to do with what you do or don't bring to the table though. I suspect he just wanted to have his cake & eat it & will likely never change

have you got anyone in rl you can talk to?

Can you live with this? Because he won't change. You gave him a chance to change, and he doesn't want to. (He could, he just doesn't want to.)

So, either live with him, knowing this is what he will continue to do, or leave him.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Just so drained. Will chat with a friend later this morning as she is impartial as doesn't really know him.

My brother is great- just not really sure I can talk about ll this with him. Same for my mum.

Other than that alone really. Suffer with depression due to childhood sexual abuse so do have a counsellor but not seeing her till next week. Was feeling better and stronger so we cut the appointments from weekly to fortnightly.

Now I just feel like the worlds biggest idiot

Thanks for your reply

jester, I'm so sorry, what a horrible bloody thing to discover (again) and to be going through.

You have forgiven him once before for this. Are you all through with forgiveness now? There can't be much if anything left in this relationship for you.

I don't know if you use the Relationships board on MN but there is a wealth of advice and support over there. I really hope you are ok.

Sanity- Hard one. House is council property and in my name only so no problems there. Financially would not be worse off as I do not work and am on ESA and disability.

But more fool me cause I love him.

You're not the idiot. He is.

You gave him a chance. And everyone deserves a chance. I'd have done the same. He blew his chance.

As Sanity Clause says, you only have two options. Put up with it or kick him out.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. But you have two beautiful kids who will see you through this.

Good luck.

Line- The thing is he is so loving which is why this is so hard. He has been so supportive through my depression etc. Tells me he loves me. Does his share of house work and child care as well as work full time.

So part of me is like this has got to be over. But then the other part is like but you love him!

Fucked up is not the words here. Feel like my head and heart are pulling me in different directions

Thanks Betty.

Think I am still in shock. He was only arranging my birthday treat yesterday which was a meal and a night in a hotel just the two of us.

Now I am facing turning 30 on my own for the first time since I was 18.

My kids are great. But complete daddy's girls so they would be heart broken and it is me who will have to pick up the pieces

What does he have to say for himself? Does he want to work to win your trust back and save your marriage?

Says he does. But how many chances do I give him?

Because from what I have found out (idiot does not get that when I am determined I can find anything out!) He did stop and this started mid-late 2013. Last time from what I can find out was 2010 when my youngest was born.

So why would he go that long and then restart it all again. Unless there is still more for me to find out

Hello OP, so sorry to hear this is happening to you.

What a tosser, you deserve better than this.

The main thing that strikes me is that you are still young, and perfectly able to make a new life for yourself if you choose.

You might find that this thread gets the best advice in the Relationships topic, you can ask for it to be moved.

I'm so sorry op. When my ex cheated I left him straight away because there was very little remorse so I knew it would happen again. Plus our kids were babies so I didn't have to explain things to them. It's so hard as your dds are older. But they will get used to whatever decision You make. You need to make yourself happy.

Ps I'm now re married with a little girl. Dh has been a Father to my kids for the past 7 years

My ExH cheated when I was 7 months pregnant with our younger child. He made promises Tec but did it again and left us any way four years later (cheating again).

Some of them just check out in other ways.

Get yourself some happiness. I'm glad my ExH left now (I think I was meant to beg him to stay) and I have a different but better life without having had years of mind games and hurt.

Tec? I meant etc.

You might love him but that's no reason to stay with him. Neither is the fact that your girls are daddy's girls. For a start it's not a very good example to set to them if you stay with him & he does it a third time (not that i'm criticizing you!).

Sorry to hear you had such a horrid thing happen to you when you were younger

Do you think it affects your confidence/self worth?

This is nothing to do with you and all to do with him

You've had some tough times to deal with, but 30 is not too young to start again if that's the route you choose

Suppose it does in a way. I was also raped at 17 a few months before I got with my partner. The person went to trial but got found not guilty. So in a way got with my partner and he made me feel safe/secure.

The abuse on me from my dad was not remembered until I was 26 with severe flash backs/night mares, panic attacks etc.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and am on medication and receiving support through that.

I think about us splitting and know that I would be fine with support financially/emotionally in time. But My heart breaks every time I think about us splitting. Cause I do love him so much but also don't want to be taken for a fool

At this stage, take your time.
You don't have to decide what to do now. You can get counselling, have a good think and be in a better place before you make life changing decisions.

You have to decide if you can live with this aspect of him or not. Because it's quite clear that he won't stop and you won't be able to trust anything he says in that respect.

Better turning 30 on your own than turning 50 shackled to a twat. Kick his arse into the street.

Is there any way you could get some time to yourself to think? Maybe him stay somewhere else for a couple of weeks? You could tell the kids he's working away?

You don't sound like you've ever spent any time on your own. Sometimes people who've been through abuse partner up with people just because they're kind to them. Obviously, only you know if that is the case and if he is - apart from this crappy behaviour/breach of trust - worth it.