to think it isn't always good to "talk things through".

[Morgause]

We've been really good friends with a couple for many years and see them a lot. Jack and Jane (names changed) have been married for 30+ years and have always seemed very happy together.

However, there in one thing on which they are diametrically opposed. I don't want to say what, in case Jane's a member, but it's something like political affiliation. Their views on this topic couldn't be further apart.

Jane feels they should "talk it through" and tries to on a regular basis. What she means is that Jack should just agree with her. It crops up on a regular basis when we're together and we refuse to get involved. Over Christmas we'd had a few drinks and Jane brought it up again. Jack got very shirty and told her to stop banging on about it. Jane burst into tears.

I've met her since and she's still upset because he has just refused to talk about it ever again. I told her that I agreed with him. They are never going to think the same way on this topic so they should just agree to differ. It's what adults do.

She's cross with me now as well, particularly as she knows I favour her viewpoint. Her response was, "But he's wrong!"

I just know she isn't going to leave it alone. AIBU to think that couples can't agree on everything and that sometimes it's best to just let things lie?

I think it very much depends on the subject matter.

If, say, dp was spouting crap about immigrants and scroungers, that would be a deal breaker and would mean to me that we weren't suited as it would say something about him as a person. I really couldn't date a Tory as it would go against a lot that I believe in.

Nothing like that, I'm glad to say. A bad analogy, perhaps. Maybe think similar to drug testing on animals? That divides the most reasonable of people.

Totally agree with youthecat... Depends on the subject, and on how much of a part of their personality it is. My politics is pretty intrinsic to who I am... If my partner came over all Tory, I would find that very difficult to live with. Religion, on the other hand, (unless used as an excuse for homophobic or misogynistic views) - I'd totally leave that alone. Many people, for whom faith is a defining part of their lives, would be the other way round.

Bit weird to talk about anything so controversial in company, though.

Jane talks about it when we're around because she knows we agree with her point of view and wants us to convince Jack. It really isn't that important a thing in our lives and Jack's view and reasoning are reasonable, I just don't feel the same way.

I worry that she will cause a real split if she doesn't shut up about it, I can see how fed up he is and he's usually a very laid back type.

DH and I agree to differ on quite a few things and don't constantly rehash the argument. That's normal, surely?

My DH and I agree to disagree on certain things as well, as long as they are opinions that don't directly affect our lives together it's not a problem.

The thing is they are actually talking it through. Talking it through would be discussing their pov and if they can't agree then accepting how the other person feels and accepting they disagree.

She is trying to make him change his mind, which is what's causing the issue. She is not accepting he is an adult with his own opinion.

If it was a make or break thing, I doubt they would have been together 30 years.

I agree with you. She is wrong but that doesn't mean talking things through is wrong. Because that's not what she is doing.

Boreoff has nailed it. She doesn't want to talk things through. She wants her husband to change his mind and agree with her.

I agree with boreoff jane doesn't want to talk anything through she wants her husband to agree with her POV and say how wrong he is not every couple have the same POV on everything god life would be so boring if we all agreed on things wouldn't it

oh and by talking about the thing with you she wants you all do gang up on her husband

woowoo

''My DH and I agree to disagree on certain things as well, as long as they are opinions that don't directly affect our lives together it's not a problem.'

Bang on.

If it were, as in your eg, OP, animal testing, and Jack worked in animal testing and Jane disagreed with it - then there is a problem.

If it's purely different views on a subject that doesn't touch your lives (and isn't extremely socially radical - like denying the hollocaust, for eg) then she should let it drop.

Two options. 1. It's a deal breaker, in which case she would have left him. 2. It's not a deal breaker, in which case, assuming it isn't causing her anything other than intellectual frustration, she should grow up.

I'm glad people can see what I mean. Next time she starts on when we are all together I'm going to say I'm as fed up with the subject as Jack.

She'll get in a huff but she'll get over it, I'm sure.

YANBU

I doubt she'd appreciate it if he tried to do the same thing. It's a bit bullying/controlling to hound someone into changing their opinion on something to your own. It's also pretty arrogant to think that your beliefs are obviously the right ones and everyone else should conform!

Jane sounds like a nightmare. IMO arguing with your partner in front of friends is extremely rude. Trying to drag them into the argument for backup is ridiculous. Jack is right to tell her to shut up.