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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think she is using my son for her sons benefit?!?!

31 replies

BobblesBickets · 14/01/2014 22:43

Background in short:
Ds is in year 1. All through reception we had issues with a boy who was being very clingy. He would hurt ds if he tried to play with others, vce versa if others tried to play with him. We saw Ds's confidence drop in this year.
Even though Ds's friend (call him X) was like this they are now quite good friends and since beginning year one there has been very few issues.
I have spoken to their teacher and they are separated in class.
I have watched them together at parties and when X is around its just those two - i have seen X pull ds away from other children if he was playing with them.
Ds eats a crisp - X eats a crisp , Ds has a sip of drink - X has a sip -- you get the idea.
X is not the most confident boy and very insecure from what i have seen....

I don't like them being friends at all but I understand its not my place to choose ds's friends so I leave it. Most of the time there seems to be no issue now.

In Oct i signed Ds up for a swimming class - to build his confidence away from the school environment and to encourage him to make friends outside of school. Mentioned it when we started in passing to X's mum (we are on civil talking terms) and she said that she asked X if he wanted to do swimming a while ago and he said no.

Turn up for swimming today and guess whos there!
She didn't come over and say anything - she had a sheepish look on her face when she caught my eye and then went to the other side of the room.

I feel like she is saying 'Oh MiniBobbles will be there so you will enjoy it/have someone there/you can be with him' this in turn means that my ds will get separated off again in a activity he was thriving in and making friends.
If X really wanted to do swimming there are at least 5 other classes he could take - not just this one. I do think its just because ds is there though

I have pulled it up with the mum in the past about them being friends and thats fine but encouragement from both sides to be more independent is good.

I genuinely feel like she is using my son to help hers - which would be fine as long as my ds wasn't effected ... he is!

Aibu?

I really want to say something to her about it but not sure how I can without being a complete bitch....which is how this post may sound but I am really upset by it.

OP posts:
AwfulMaureen · 14/01/2014 23:07

Well look. YANBU to be worried about your DS's development but YABU to complain when she obviously saw you and thought "Ooh I'd best avoid her...so she doesn't feel stifled"

I assume this is the only swimming class available locally?

My DD had this too by the way so I know how frustrating it is....I invited a LOT of other kids over for playdates in order to forge more bonds...and armed DD with lots of helpful phrases for when her "friend" pulled her around as a way of control.

WooWooOwl · 14/01/2014 23:13

I don't think you can say anything without coming across as unreasonable. Signing children up to classes with their friends is a completely normal and accepted thing to do, and you don't have any more rights to be at the class than she does.

I would be pissed off in your situation too though, so I get where you're coming from. I think you just have to remember never to mention anything like this to the other mum again.

Beavers or similar would be a good thing for your ds if he needs a chance to make friends out of school, there's more time for children to get to know each other than there would be in any kind of a lesson.

attheendoftheday · 14/01/2014 23:16

It's irritating but not much you can do. She's looking after her dc's interests, as you're looking after yours. Next time don't tell her about your activities!

Original poster
BobblesBickets · 14/01/2014 23:17

No there are at least 5 other options available where we live that are local.

Ds has lots of other friends and playdates but when he is with X then thats when we have problems.

We have tried all the phrases/things to do if hes not happy and they don't work hence why we got the teachers involved at school, they don't interact in the classroom anymore (teachers keep them apart) just at playtimes when realistically they can't be .seperated.

They are ok at the moment but its hard for me when I can see it directly affects my ds in a bad way.

OP posts:
Original poster
BobblesBickets · 14/01/2014 23:18

WooWoo thats exactly it - I know I have no right to tell her what to do/not to do/how to bring up her kids - but ARGHHHHH!!!!!

I have had and counting nearly 18months of the same issue and its draining!

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 14/01/2014 23:59

I would suggest Beavers or similar too.
Don't mention what you have arranged to the other mum.

If the child turns up at Beavers, confide in the leaders and ask for them to be in different groups as far as possible. There is only so much they can do tbh.

SavoyCabbage · 15/01/2014 00:02

I would stop doing swimming for a term and do something else. Your ds can always take it up again later.

WeeBitWobbly · 15/01/2014 00:14

Swap swimming ASAP

WallyBantersJunkBox · 15/01/2014 00:21

There's not too much they can do through swimming though realistically is there?

I signed up DS for a class and there were 4 other school friends in there, completely by accident. They spent most of their time trying not to drown, and to get to the other side.

They only interacted at the brief poolside wait for the previous class, and at changing time. Perhaps speak to the swim teacher and say you are worried about DS's concentration levels around the other boy, and to put them at either end of the row?

winkywinkola · 15/01/2014 00:21

Why did you mention it to her?

I wouldn't swap swimming but I'd also get my ds doing something else like rugby or football. I would not mention it to X's mum at all ever.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 15/01/2014 00:24

There's still a chance that your DS will mention his other activities to his friend, and then his friend will go home to mum and ask to go.

Perhaps if that happens just make it clear that you are trying to broaden his circle outside school, or find a club a bit further out of the catchment?

pigletmania · 15/01/2014 00:27

I would choose another swimming class or stop the classes for a term and don't mention anything to the mum

Original poster
BobblesBickets · 15/01/2014 00:41

For those of you saying why did I mention it.....he is a 6yo boy - he goes to swimming at this place on a tuesday after school.

He knows the place name - he knows the days of the week - he loves it so he tells his friends/teachers etc.

Even if I hadn't mentioned it she would have heard one way or another eventually and probably still have turned up.

OP posts:
WhoGivesAMonkey · 15/01/2014 00:51

If it wasn't for the age of the child I would have said we know the same family. Have had a very similar situation, which has ended quite badly. My son was being used purely for entertainment and support by another child with very precious parents.

I would say keep your distance and keep things friendly but uninvolved.

PeterAndresSprayTanner · 15/01/2014 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boreoff456 · 15/01/2014 09:15

It maybe that the boy begged to go to the same one. Or maybe it was the only way she could get him to learn swimming.She obviously felt embarrassed and knew what you would think.

Maybe she is struggling to deal with her sons clingyness as well. I actually feel sorry for her.

DontmindifIdo · 15/01/2014 09:23

Can you move to a different class? I'd do it just to keep it as something separate for your DS.

But if they are being kept apart at school in class, hopefully it will start to reduce.

BruthasTortoise · 15/01/2014 09:29

YABU. You're child doesn't have an issue with it, he has lots of other friends and activities and "X" appears to be a lonely six year old child. He's not bugging your DS in school the same anymore and I really don't see how much time there can be in swimming lesson for the other child to do anything on your son - surely they spend the time listening and learning.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 15/01/2014 09:31

I'd encourage play dates with other boys in his class. On a 1-1 basis. Some will work out well, the boys will have a great time, those are the ones to ask back, and see if friendship develops.

Regarding the swimming class, are the boys interacting with other in the water? Or just focusing on the swimming/instructor? If they are playing/chatting to each other during swimming, you can always have a word with the instructor to have them separated in swimming also.

But in my experience, my DDs have been in same swimming class. It is not a social event, the children don't get to know each other, the focus is on the swimming and the instructor. If that is the case for you son, there is no impact to having X in the same class. So not worth considering swapping classes.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi · 15/01/2014 09:32

I'd move him to another class or activity , I think a seperate activity would be really good for him. It's a pain you have to change your plans but I think it might be worth it

WilsonFrickett · 15/01/2014 09:37

I do get what you're saying but can't blame the mum if she has a child that has previously refused to do swimming lessons - an absolutely vital skill in many parents' eyes - coming home and saying 'miniBobbles is going swimming, can I go?'. I think she'd jump on that opportunity and I'm not sure I blame her.

I'd agree on focusing on 1:1 play opps with other children is a good way to build up your own DS confidence.

Thetallesttower · 15/01/2014 09:40

I don't think swimming lessons are a great place to make friends. Mine have done swimming lessons at three different pools over the years and while they always chat with the other children, no lasting friendships are developed- they are there to swim, then they get dressed and leave!

I would go for the playdates with other children or Scouts/whatever the one is for younger kids as others have suggested.

I wouldn't pull him out of swimming for this, he needs to learn to swim and in the classes we go to, there are lots of dd's friends and classmates from their school.

dreamingofsun · 15/01/2014 09:41

the best thing we ever did for our 3 kids confidence was to insist they played a team sport - they joined either the local football or rugby club. this has enabled them to deal with lots of iffy children and make loads of really good LT friends. It has helped them interact and ensured they are physically fit. its made them much more confident and improved their interpersonnel skills no end

Stinkyminkymoo · 15/01/2014 09:41

YANBU to be annoyed about it however YABU to have mentioned it to this other mum, if you were so worried about it, why on earth did you mention it to her??

If you do find another activity, don't mentioned it to X's mum this time, then your ds can have some time away from this kid.

LadyInDisguise · 15/01/2014 09:45

Well I am getting the feeling that this mum is struggling with a child with low self confidence too. Maybe some social communication difficulty too if your ds is the only child he can play with.

But she is going the wrong way about it.

As others said, I would stop telling her what activities your ds is doing. She might hear about it but ime, children aren't able to tell you exactly what so and so is doing until Y2 or Y3 (time, location and activity) so you don't have a big risk there.
And encourage self confidence building activities for your own dc as well as assertiveness. He will learn to tell this friend to back off.