To ask why Birth parents get so little support

[StupidMistakes]

I am a birth parent to a little boy who is now three, he was placed for adoption in may, and was put into placement at the end of july

My main issue, other than the obvious loss at losing him is that despite asking, and chasing, and researching there seems to be very little support available for the birth parents, everything seems centred around the adoptive parents and issues they may have and the adopted child, which though I am not against them having the support they need, I wonder why it is post adoption support for the birth parents in my experience has consisted of 18 therapy sessions, which I had to fight for as they only generally give 6, and meeting the adopters.

Other than that there is no emotional support, I have no social worker, I have had to find my own counselling to continue on from adoption counselling, asked my ds's social worker to write a letter explaining but nothing has come of it, despite me asking.

AIBU to think that support should be put into place for birth parents, just as it should adoptive parents? Surely the birth parents being able to make the changes and have a healthy life is in the best interests of the child? Being able to maintain contact? And essentially if they do decide to have another child at a later stage, not end up in the same situation?

Is there anything that can be done to make sure birth parents get the support they need, to access the services they require, to make their lives successful? Even if its not as parents?

I heard something very similar on Radio 4 this morning. You might be able to listen on inlayer?

Basically, the point was firmly made that while there is support for during pregnancy, and support (naturally) for the child, once a child has been removed there is zero support for birth parents.

It was suggested that the by-product of this lack of support is that birth mothers may go on to have many pregnancies, all ending with babies being removed. Because there hasn't been any input in trying to help birth parents make better choices about lifestyle, improving education, giving emotional and practical support before another baby is born, only to be removed if you see what I mean.

I found it very interesting and could see the point. While disagreeing with the general vilification of social services, and with the caveat that the child's needs must come first. But I do feel that it is such a life changing thing, the removal and adoption of a child, that there should be some support for the birth parents.

The way I look at it is how would my DS feel if in five years time he has a half sibling who ends up adopted in the same circumstances? Is that's whats best for him, I thought social services where possible kept families together, so how about preventing a birth parent getting into the same situation again?
Surely the last thing a child wants is a list of siblings they don't get to see because they have all been adopted? Possibly with different families?

I also think that, harsh as this sounds that until the birth parent is in a place to have another child they should use contraception, I know no contraception is 100 percent, though I am hoping mine is as close to

Stupid I have read lots of your posts, and my heart goes out to you it really does.

As to the question, I guess it comes down to funding :(
Not saying that's right, but that would be my guess. I think the birth parents definitely should have more support.

What support would you want and from where?I think that's what you need to know really.Social services would not be the place as 'their job is done',so to speak.

I guess the way it may be seen,with some of what you have said,is that they already have/should have given support and tried to get you to change your ways and life already,otherwise this would not have happened.

There would not be the resources to provide 'what if? ' support,but should you become pregnant in the future you will no doubt have support and questioning to see how things are going.

With regard to 'changing' (as the above is) I think they expect you to realise what needs to be done yourself now.They cannot make you change yourself tbf.Identify the problems and you'll find ways and find ways through others.I don't think anyone should be pushing it for you now (and I am sorry for that)

Emotional support wise,again,while I understand the need and cannot imagine your pain,I'm not sure what else could be available but it would definitely be something to look into further.

Are there any local services/befrienders for any of this?Perhaps you could start local support groups?

Have After Adoption got a support group in your area www.afteradoption.org.uk/worried-about-your-child-being-adopted
might be worth a call if you haven't already, they can also help sort out contact whether letterbox or direct and they may know about local support groups if they are not local to you

I think it all comes down to funding ( not that is right)

I believe when it's an adoption that is out of the BM control then 100% that support should be put in place even if she doesn't want it.

If the BM is in control and it's her decision, then support should be put in place if she needs it.

Mistakes - I have nothing constructive to say except that I've read a lot of your posts too and think about you every day, your story is the saddest thing I've heard in a long, long time. And yes, there should definitely be more support, especially when you're trying so hard to rebuild your life, and as you say, prevent the same situation occuring, and also because you are always your boy's birth mum, and yes, maintaining contact is important for him as long as not deterimental to him (which in your case it most certainly isn't).

Local authorities do have a duty to provide post adoption support to birth parents and it is available.

The child's social worker has a duty to provide the information to birth parents however it is up to them to take it up

I guess it all comes down to how individuals define support though.And I imagine tgat often,for the parents,they don't quite know what they want but really need something.

Sadly,I can't see much changing as the fact is that a lot of the 'support' given before things get this far isn't delivered in a particularly helpful manner and many parents just end up with judgey 'this is wrong' comments,depending on worker and LA.

I've always believed (and it is a dream of mine to set up a face to face service) that there should be an impartial,non judgemental and supportive service that parents can visit during difficulties and SW intervention,so they can actually get what they need to help themselves as best as they can without fear of judgement,harsh comments and being villified even if trying their best.

Within the adoption regs la's have to provide counselling etc. as most las do not employ counsellors they usually pay another c

Within the adoption regs la's have to provide counselling etc. as most las do not employ counsellors they usually pay another company to do this

Within Yorkshire - after adoption Yorkshire is popular.

The op has had adoption counselling though,that's why I question what else would be helpful for her and others.What they would really want

if you receive counselling these days then that's good, no matter how many sessions you get - the advice to me was 'go away and don't think about it'. I'm pleased things have changed.

The thing is your not put in touch with other people in the same situation as you. There's no groups. And the counselling you have to fight for funding for and despite the counsellor recommending more on going sessions they aren't prepared to fund it.

I won't end up in the same situation again. I am making the changes that needs to be made.unfortunately during assessments certain therapies have been recommended however they aren't accessible so social services could argue I haven't done enough. My doctor can't refer me. There are private places that do it but I can't afford to go private

Also regards to funding. Funding prevention or funding a court case contact centres finding placements and post adoption support for adoptive parents cannot be cheap unless I am wrong? Maybe start with preventive measures from it happening again because there are cases of pregnancy after pregnancy and always the baby being taken. Surely that costs thousands?

I think that it would help you to separate the issues of post adoption emotional support and preventative work to avoid the situation happening again.

Post adoption support has to be available although how it looks will vary. The local authority i work for has a post adoption social worker as well as good links with two voluntary organisations, there used to be a support group run by one of the voluntary organisations, not sure if this is still running.

He preventative work can take lots of different forms and doesn't need to be called post adoption support to be of use to you. I don't know your issues but parents I know who have successfully avoided subsequent adoptions have done so through changing their lives in lots of different ways, for example drug and alcohol work, mental health support etc. one woman I know found attending college really helped, she built up her self-esteem, found a more positive social group and met a supportive partner.

What I'm trying to say is try not to get too bogged down in what support is called, focus on finding what helps you move on and work from there.

www.wellaware.org.uk/organisations/13696-birth-ties?page=7
After adoption run birth ties which is to help birth parents.
What support is it that you specifically think would help you?

www.wellaware.org.uk/organisations/13696-birth-ties?page=7
After adoption run birth ties which is to help birth parents.
What support is it that you specifically think would help you?

I think Jomato gave very good advice there.

In regards to preventative,really you need to find your own way and maybe have a little support in that but what support is varies.The state can't live life for you and show you every step but maybe just a little encouragement could help you find your way,and that encouragement can come from anywhere.

On of the things the LA will look for during involvement is whether the parents can recognise the issues.If you can recognise them you should be able to find a way out (although I would imagine this to be difficult to accept and quite painful in some circumstances),even if you have to ask someone for help.It's all part of it I think,it's not possible to give directions on everything and directions aren't helpful unless you understand them.

I've read more of your threads now and I would say you need to build up confidence and strength so you find yourself able to prevent.Build up good social networks,find a life for yourself

I adopted my DD almost 3 years ago, she was 7 and had been in foster care for 3 years. DD's social worker worked very hard to build a relationship with 'our' birth Mum and this was a positive for her, us and DD. She was supported and was able to meet us and write a goodbye and later
life letter for our DD both extremely appropriate and have been a great comfort for our daughter. Unfortunately this social worker left and BM will not engage with her replacement, the consequence for DD is that our yearly letterbox contact goes unanswered and she has no idea if her BM is safe and well.

So in some areas support is there for birth families after the child has been placed. From the other side of the coin there is not enough support for the children or adoptive families either in many areas. It all comes down to funding which is not right. We have been lucky with the support from both our authority and the placing authority.

Unfortunately there isn't enough support for adoptive parents or adoptees either. Post adoption support can be dire for everyone involved

But YANBU, there needs to be more support on offer for birth parents

Sadly, getting lots more support in place would have to involve the government investing in post adoption support, and right now the government do not want to hear that investing money would be helpful.