to not want to wait to talk when I'm fuming!

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If DH comes in from work and says something thoughtless / insensitive / rude I end up fuming inside. I tell him I'm upset and he always says we'll discuss it when kids are in bed. He refuses to discuss it before this time or apologise. So then I spend the next 2 hrs fuming, trying to read bedtime stories etc, not engaging properly with the kids because I'm so angry / upset.

I'm of the "put the kids out of earshot, have it out with each other as soon as poss, make up and move on" school of thought.

I guess it's just different temperaments. Who is right?

Neither is right or wrong. I think if you have said he has upset you you should be able to discuss it rationally, apologies etc and move on with your evening. This can teach children resolution. However if you're more into plate slinging type rows maybe wait till they are in bed

depends how often this happens?

is he usually thoughtless, insensitive and rude?

kids are never out of earshot during a row by the way, it's very upsetting seeing parents constantly arguing, mine were like this and still are. they love the drama!

I think it's healthy to disagree and argue in front of children as long as you can be fairly reasonable and it doesn't turn into a slanging match. People argue they should understand that. Having to wait whilst seething is a bit passive aggressive and unhelpful as it creates atmosphere and resentment.

I read somewhere that children pick up on an atmosphere and know that something is wrong but don't know what, even if you think you're hiding it from them. They actually benefit from seeing the argument go through its stages (obviously not plate slinging etc) and being resolved. That way they can see how to deal with arguments and also they are aware that the atmosphere is not due to them.

I don't mean that you should be arguing in front of your children as a teaching tool, just if one is happening then openness is preferable to hiding it as they will know something is wrong and worry about it/blame themselves.

A link to back me up

Sorry - "until he decides it's safe to discuss it".

Well there may not be anything to "discuss."

I mean, if he comes through the door and grumps about the clutter or something, you could respond, "That's not friendly. We can clean up afterwards but how about a hello?" And then get on with things.

Telling you that you have to wait to express normal disagreement--that's weird.

If this is happening so often that you are frequently getting annoyed and being told to wait till later to discuss it, it's the issue of him saying these things that is the main problem for me - after all, if he didn't say them, there would be no need to sort anything out. Have to say I think more detail about what thoughtless and insensitive things he's saying would help in making a judgement.

Is he one of these 'just being honest, I speak as I find' types who delight in being negative and hurtful plain speaking?

ohh I definatly did not benefit from seeing my parents scream, shout and shove/hit each other.

most definatly not.

even without the physical stuff kids should not see constant sniping or sulking.. horrible.

my parents enjoyed their huge rows, lots of couples do, their kids do not.

I agree, no benefit to seeing shouting/violence. I was talking about lower level disagreeing/hurt feelings. It needs to be resolved. If the OP is spending the next 2 hrs fuming, trying to read bedtime stories etc, not engaging properly with the kids because I'm so angry / upset that's not good for any of them.

Yeah it just creates a bad atmosphere as I'm not "allowed" to talk about it until later so I end up covert sniping in front of the kids (usually over dinner) about the insensitive comment he made!

Neither, as you say different temperaments.

We decided to speak quietly and say why we were upset, then go away, think and then speak when dc were in bed.
A bit of a compromise but it worked.
I'm sure you won't be so fuming if you know you'll be listened to, he has thought how to respond/apologise and you have got said worry/ upset off your chest, albeit not sorted till later.

What does he do if you make an insensitive comment to him, or upset him? Does he wait until the dc are in bed, because it has to be fair for both.
Now we only have dd aged 10, but we still practice this. One of us will question the other, something like do you know you are out of order, or rude etc. Most times we say sorry straight away, or if it is bigger I'm sorry for x but we need to talk later.
You can do this with dc about surely?

OP, it seems like you have more of a problem with respect than little disagreements here?

Fuming is the most overused word on this website at the moment.

You are both wrong - him for being an insensitive twat, and you for thinking that your DCs won't notice that you are having a row if you don't talk.

morethan agree with your approach and that's what we do.

op does he chat to resolve it later or dies he just hope it goes away or ignores you.

Sorry I misread.

That is actually very controlling of him. He says something he knows will upset you, and then insists on leaving you to stew for two hours?

How often does this happen?

I think if you are fuming then your DH has a point of wanting to wait ( does not make him less insensitive for his comments). Think of how you project yourself if you are fuming. What types of things does he say and how often.

Alibaba that was my question too - it sounds like it happens a lot.

Sometimes people do need space to order their thoughts when they are having an argument with people they love, if I am retreating and I can't get to a space where if feel able to do that, especially if I have been followed, I feel cornered and unable to stop myself from basically melting down and shouting.

I know some people like to just get it out the way, but I am of the mind that I need think over the situation quietly and understand either what I feel or what I did to make someone feel bad.

We aren't all built the same. I am like this in more than just arguments, but it is particularly pronounced during confrontation.

Yeah it just creates a bad atmosphere as I'm not "allowed" to talk about it until later so I end up covert sniping in front of the kids (usually over dinner) about the insensitive comment he made!

I'm going to imagine the insensitive comment is something like, "That hairstyle doesn't suit you."

Him: That hairstyle doesn't suit you.

You: That's a mean thing to say. Please don't say it.

Him: We'll discuss it later.

You: There's nothing to discuss. Please don't say it. Kids, help me set the table!

So I'm feeling confused at what the issue is, really.

Booty

25 years, there's not much of it now.
I can relate to the OP though as it can be hard when dc are little, not married long etc. Small things can become far more important than they actually are.

Now we both think to ourselves (I only know this as we discussed it lately, strangely enough)

Do I love him/her? answer Yes.
Would I want to hurt him or her? answer no.
What am I going to do? answer apologise/talk.

If my DH wanted to wait until the kids were in bed before we talked, he'd have to hold back the comments that upset me before they were in bed as well.

Yeah, what waiting for me said.

If he doesn't want an argument, he can walk through the door with an affectionate greeting and a bag full of groceries.