Why do I long for another baby so much?

[Nalibali]

I am happily married with 2 beautiful children who bring me so much joy and happiness. My hubby is a great hands on father. After having both children I suffered from quite bad postnatal depression but have since recovered. I am feeling well and enjoying life. I have a successful business, a great house and lovely friends and family. My eldest boy is 14 and my girl is 5. So everything is perfect right? I'm a lucky girl and appreciate all that we have as a family, so why do I yearn so much for a 3rd child? My OH is adamant that this will never happen and wants to get the snip. I am devastated by this as I have always seen myself with 3 children. I feel selfish and angry at myself for wanting more especially when I have a close friend who is struggling to have a baby at all. My OH is tired of my monthly meltdowns over this hurtful longing I seem to have. I feel I can no longer broach the subject without making him feel guilty. If he doesn't want another then that is his choice but how do I get past it or over it and stop this yearning? Please help xx

Anyone?!

oh my lord I wrote your post last year op.

How long have you wanted a third? Have you explained in great detail to your dh why you want another and have you given him time to think it over. What would this mean to your relationship if he maintaining saying no? Would both of you consider counselling?

OP after a year of trying to get my dh to agree I went to counselling, The counsellor then suggested seeing my dh. Which he did. After making it clear that this was make or break for me and talking more and more he agreed to a 2nd. It turned out he was scared shitless of having to go though PND again mine was very bad. I think dh also figured he would rather have our family than be on his own. There is more to it than that but its hard to put in writing.

I think you need a good long hard think about where this is coming from and keep talking. hth

I have one, want a second and I know that I will yearn for a third (that we are not planning on having) I think that this is because I am a very happy and content mother who loved the baby time. The reality is that I know that DH will be looking forward to no more sleepless nights, smelly nappies and getting more time to himself once second baby gets older.

What where both your plans when you were planning a family? Was two always on the table but now you want a third or did you always want a third?

You do have quite a large age gap, could that be what's making you think about having another baby? i.e. you want another baby around?

For me, there are different levels of wanting a baby.

Right now, I kind of want a baby (DC1 is 2). I feel a bit jealous when people announce that they are pregnant with DC2. I think about names. I think about work, and childcare. I get terribly broody when I hold a baby.

But the thing is, in the last few months I have taken active steps to not have DC2 yet.

I can see that as much as I daydream about the idea of a baby, deep down I don't actually want one (yet), not in the way I wanted a baby when I fell pregnant with DC1. It's just somehow different - a difference between a longing and a need, I think.

That's a bit waffly but I think I'm asking about how you feel you want a DC3 - a longing to have that baby time again, or a need to have a third child?

Thank you for getting back to me! Did you have another in the end Heartblossom?

There is a large age gap between the children mainly due to the postnatal depression I was too scared to have another for a long time! I think OH is petrified of having to go through pnd with me again. He doesn't want to risk it. I love home so much and don't ever want to lose him but its like we are stuck in an impossible situation. If we had a baby he may resent me, if we don't what if I resent him?
I have always said before we married and since I can rem that I wanted 3 children. I know this sounds terrible but I don't think I ever knew how many he wanted.

Apparently, the happiest people are those who choose what they have in life - as in not always yearning for the things they don't. And let's face it, who has exactly what they want in life? How many other areas of your life are you prepared to accept what you can afford, what is practical, what is possible?

So, if I was you, I'd find ways to be happy about the two children you have. Choose two children. Think of all ways in which having two and not having another baby right now is right for you and your DH. Accept that your DH has a 50% say in this and that wanting and nurturing a DC should be the choice of both parents. Acknowledge your desire, but put it in its box and seriously, count your blessings. You sound like you have many, so rather than getting caught up in irrational yearnings, think about the wonderful family you already have and think about how another bout of PND would affect you all.

Perhaps your DH having the snip will put an end to this monthly torment for you because you will know then that it CANNOT happen.

I wanted a third for ten years, husband said no. It devastated me,I wanted a little one again .
We were at a party when friends offered a lift home so we could both have a drink...He was more delighted than me when we saw the positive test result a month later.
I now feel complete.
I do think its mainly hormones ,that's why we exist after all.
Not sure how you fight nature. Would you consider alternative therapy? That might help .

Thank you Juneau and everyone else who has replied.
You are right i am very fortunate to have all that i have and I am extremely thankful and grateful. My little family are everything to me. Logically i agree with everything you are saying but when I try to put it in a little box it just keeps getting back out. I try to ignore it but it won't go away. It's been hanging around in my head for almost 2 years! Maybe I have lost the plot, I dunno but I struggle with it and it makes me feel super selfish for wanting another when I have so much to be thankful for already.

Waltonswatcher1 thanks I'm glad you are feeling complete! That's great! I think OH also worries that if we had another will I then want another lol!
Alternative therapy may be an option.
My dilemma sounds like such a trivial thing but the yearning is very powerful! It's so frustrating!

Thurlow,
Your question is very interesting and I guess the answer is probably both if that makes sense! I long to hold another baby in my arms yet I need to hold another baby in my arms, then my family would be complete! Xx I do feel terrible saying it tho, as I have a very close friend who is struggling to conceive so it makes me feel selfish. Xx

I've felt like you - 3 times. The only thing that helped was having another baby. I now have 5 and still get that longing as my baby is almost 3, but it's more a wistful longing than an 'I really actually want another baby' longing.
Not sure how you get over it. If it's really not going to happen then I agree you need to forget about it, have your DH 'snipped' and move on. For your own sanity.
But if that will leave you resenting your DH then you need to have a long and honest talk about your feelings. Lay it bare.
Good luck. Easier said than done... I'm still not quite ready for my DH to have a vasectomy...

Yes I do agree that if he gets the snip it may make me realise and stop hoping. He was actually booked in a couple of months ago but I got so upset he cancelled it. I don't want it to come between us at all it's not a healthy situation for a happy marriage but hopefully we will overcome this one in time. He says he feel guilty that he can't give me what i I want and I feel terrible he feels that way - it makes me think I am a spoilt brat. I hate hormones!!! They suck!!

hi op, yes Im pregnant. DH agreed but we talked indepth about how it would be different this time. With my first everything for me had to be just so, all controlled. Ive already spoken to GP about keeping an eye on me and Ill be speaking to the MW too about getting treatment asap should I need it.

I had got to the stage where I refused to celebrate my b-day, refused to go to a party if someone there was pregnant, I didn't want to do anything for xmas, my dh couldn't tell if me if someone else we knew was pregnant. I went to see my gp for AD but they said what I was feeling was normal and to keep talking to dh...so I did.

We also have a big age gap.

Do you want another child, full stop? With the end goal being a newborn? If your husband refused, would you leave him to for fill that need?

I feel the same op but about a fourth I have bipolar and another would mean a major episode for me. I don't know how you get past it though.

I want another and I have 5, I don't think that the feeling ever really goes away for some people. DH wanted the snip after the 4th and I was so upset it nearly ended our relationship. He just had it after the 5th - no discussion, and the truth is that I have never felt the same way about him since I don't have any real advice sorry, but you need to be honest with about how you feel. It's driven a wedge between us, that I sometimes think he doesn't even know is there.

Congratulations Whiteblossom! So very happy for you! I hope it all goes well for you this time round :-).
Freyalright - I do want another baby but I love my husband very much and wouldn't even consider leaving him to full fill that need. That's why it's so hard as we both want different thing but we are also very happy together xx