AIBU to just stop talking to her?!

[RalphLaurenLover]

I posted a while ago about how my mother had found some new bloke she will ditch me and my LO at the drop of a hat if he calls, demands I run her errands, says she'll see my LO then doesn't.

It's my sisters wedding next month from day 1 they've told me to be honest about being a bridesmaid and the dress, so I did saying it's her wedding I'm overall not bothered whether shes picked me or not, the dress on the other day is shit brown, I personally think it's hideous I'm half-caste and it blends in with me. They constantly make plans regarding this wedding then tell me days before I HAVE to be there whether I have plans or not.
Today I had to go try this dress on, they bitched at me because I hadn't got a bra to wear because they didn't tell me. Then they moaned and bitched because I didn't like it. Which they've known from day 1!

On the way up my mum is texting and driving because her boyfriend text and she has to answer ASAP obviously, she then spills her tea all over her lap because she's trying to drive, drink and text whilst flying down the motorway!

Pissed off was an understatement. She then decides she has to go in this shop that she knows we can't get my LO's pram in, he's already annoyed because he's been sat in this pram for 30 minutes whilst she fanny's about looking at shoes in the wedding dress shop so I couldn't let DC out.
She left us out there for over 30 minutes in the cold, he was crying and freezing so I took him into a shop to get us both warm and she bitches about me for walking off despite the fact she could see my DC crying from inside there shop.

On the way home she continues to text and drive to the point a car is indicating to come in her lane and she's fucking oblivious. She then turns round to me, blames me and pulls in to finish her text. She tells me that I need to "fucking sort it out" I need to understand that she doesn't have to see my DC or look after him despite begging me to let her. (I brought her up on the fact the one time I asked her to look after my DC she said no because she MIGHT be seeing her boyfriend in 3 days time despite the fact she hadn't made them plans yet) she then proceeds to tell me how I'm a shit mum, I have no family and I have no friends. I don't take care of my DC well enough and I'm not responsible at all and I shouldn't speak to her again. We say nothing to each other on the way home and I take my LO out the car backwards in the rain because she refuses to get out so I can get him I say bye to my sister and she turns round to her and goes "don't you love the ignoramus" she then chucks my house keys at me and demands her keys back so I give it to her. We haven't spoken since.

AIBU to just not to bother anymore. She says she'll see me DC but she won't before 6 because she's at work (she's home before then) knowing my DC goes to bed at 6 she is to busy to see him Monday, Wednesday and Thursday because she goes to the gym and the other days she sees her boyfriend.

I'm just fucking fed up with her atm

Ok. I suggest you read up on the term...you may change your mind. Im half black and half oriental.....when I was young I allowed people to describe me as half caste, but that soon stopped when my father explained what it actually meant. But of course, up to you how you choose to identify yourself!

Re your mum...definitely steer clear. She's doing you and your LO more harm than good.

Is your sister mixed too?

We are all mixed as have the same parents but my sister is white and my brother is more brown/black I'm the only one that you can tell is a mix of them both people assume my sister has white parents and my brother has black parents iyswim lol

And are your parents together?

I'm sorry, I'm just trying to see if your mum has any underlying problem with you to treat you so abominably!

Does she treat your dsis and dbro this way?

No they got divorced about 10 years ago, she had an affair.

She lets my brother smoke weed in the house totally disrespect her, have his friends walk in and out of her house whenever, gives him cash, runs him round etc. She use to barely sees my sister but now she is with this man she sees her multiply times a week, ever since she left my dad if I don't do the housework I use to get told off, if I didn't do her dinner etc I'd get told off. Now I live on my own I've done nothing but "throw it back in her face"

Im just fed up with it all

I think the car thing is one of the biggest issues. I would tell her you can't possibly let your children ride in a car with her ever again because she is so dangerous. In fact, I would be tempted to phone the police, because she is also a danger to other road users.

Sounds like she enjoys bullying you a bit OP. Now you have your own life and child of your own, she's maybe trying to regain control of you a bit? Its actually abusive.

She does it to you and not your siblings because they still "need" her or do her bidding?

Maybe im reading it wrong, but this is the impression I'm getting.

She won't be having my son in her car anytime in the near future. She simply doesn't care

Now I live on my own I've done nothing but "throw it back in her face"

And there it is.

Your mother sounds controlling, domineering and abusive. Perhaps narcissistic?

You've left her clutches. Carved your own path. Made your own life.

What else can she do but to try to regain control by hammering away at your self-esteem any way that she can.

She wants you to fail so that you will be under her control again.

Thinking about it she left with "you try surviving without asking me for help"

She's always wanting me to fail so she can laugh about it and rub it in my face.

Look Familiar?

Sadly yes!

I'm sorry RLL it's not pleasant reading when you're on the butt end of it.

What it does highlight though, is that if you are the child of a narc there's not a whole hell of a lot that you can do about their behaviour.

They thrive on making you feel inferior. If this is what she is then I urge you even moreso to keep your ds away from her.

Op please don't ever get in a car with the toxic bitch ever again. You have to protect your son from her carelessness.
She seems like she has no respect for you and like you could really do without her. Take this advice from someone who has been a footstool for many years :)

Call yourself whatever you damn well please - just ditch the bitch.

Good luck Op.

Cut her out unless you personally need to see her for some unknkwn reason. Why do you go back for more abuse if you know she isn't going to change?

Cut her out, make plans for your own life & go out & meet people who are calm, mature & stable. That is what you need right know & unfortunately your mum is not going to provide this.

I would not entrust my child with my mum if she drove like yours as she might crash while he was with her. If she crashes while on her own, then that would be a blessing for you. Can you ananomously report her to the police about her driving wrecklessly by calling 101 or would she think that you were behind it?

Also please shorten your sentences, add more comas and paragraphs to make your post more readable.

You should definitely say you are either 'mixed race' or 'mixed/dual heritage' - I haven't heard the term 'half caste' like forever, and my 3 dcs are of the same mixed heritage as you!

Second all the others. I would not bother to contact her and don't ever get in a car with her again. Texting and drinking tea whilst on the motorway?? That is not remotely funny, you were all lucky to get out of that car alive (as were all the other road users!)

OP - I definitely think your mother is narcissistic (I've been studying this topic for years as sadly my mother is one too) and also another classic sign is that narc mothers seem to always have one 'golden child' (sounds like that would apply to your siblings) and have one 'scapegoat child' which unfortunately OP is you.
Also your sister seems to feed of being the more favoured child and will join in with your mother and always be on her side.
I bet they make you feel in the wrong don't they? I bet if you ever dared confront your mother she would be on her defence - 'how dare you confront me' type of attitude and then 'Ralph you have a VERY vivid imagination ' or 'why do always have to be a trouble maker' and so on..

Please read what another poster had linked to you www.daughtersofnarcissticmothers.com

There are some good thread on mumsnet on 'relationships' too.

I think people should refrain from telling the OP what words she can use to describe herself. She is a grown woman and perfectly capable of deciding for herself what words she wants to use.

As for the situation with your mum OP, it seems that she doesn't contribute anything positive to your life and having distance between you might make you happier.

I doubt she will attempt to take you to court to see your dc - grandparents have to seek permission to even apply for contact and given what you have told us she would not get anywhere.

I shall call myself halfe-cast and that isn't changing anytime soon. However your more then welcome to substitute my term for mixed when reading it.

Jimmy that is very true if you confront her you've made it ALL up, it's all in your head, she never said that, I'm lying, it's all my fault. Every time she is never in the wrong.

If I reported her she would defiantly know it was me. She doesn't care If she endangers anyone else life more often than not people will be indicating and she's not even noticing. Then when they go that way she shouts abuse she should actually wear glasses!

She hasn't made not contact as of yet and tbh I doubt she will, the only think I want to hear from her is an apology and the door hitting her on the way out

some people on this thread need to park their privilege. If the OP is happy using that term, it's her term to own. If you aren't of mixed heritage in the same way the OP is you don't really get to wade in on her for it.

Your mother sounds like a loon btw.

NoIDon'tUseTheTermButIKnowWhereMyPrivilegeIsMostOfTheTimeTiggaxx

OP - I believe you haven't heard from her because she is waiting for a grovel or even an apology from you. (By the way you have nothing to apologise for of course)

You say you'd like her to apologise well I'm sorry but she won't OP. Shes too selfish. If she has ever apologised to you in the past I bet she wasn't sincere.

I bet she has a cycle of behaviour
Lying - she knows your reactions to her are reasonable but would never admit that
Manipulating- she makes you look like the bad guy for objecting her cruelties
Being selfish- she doesn't mind making you feel horrible as long as she gets her own way
Blaming- she did something wrong but it's all your fault
Projecting- her petty, small and childish behaviour has become yours
Putting on a self -pitying drama- you've let her down
Parentifying - YOU'RE responsible for her feelings, she has NO responsibility for yours.

If you can relate to this pattern with her then please understand its NOT your fault and please do not feel bad for not having contact with her. In time you could try to have a low contact relationship but she won't change.
You can change how you deal with her and whether you want to have a relationship with her or not.

She's never actually apologised, I would always do it because she's never in the wrong.

That cycle is how it goes.

Yep I'd be booking myself some counselling sessions and not responding to contact.

Have you thought about how she will behave at the wedding? If you haven't contacted her before that she might make a scene. Is your sister on your side? Could you discuss it with her? Perhaps have some strategies for keeping you apart on the day?