AIBU to feel sick of being "secretly" poor.

[Fedupputtingonabraveface]

I know IABU to start with but please hear me out I just can't take much more.

DH is a farmer and it's a very stressful lifestyle. Things used to be good, but he moved absolute heaven and earth to buy his "dream" house 4 years ago and it's been a fucking nightmare ever since. He absolutely has to have the facade on that he's got a nice car and nice house and is doing well for himself and I can't take much more of it. I have been out of work since my eldest was born in 2004 and when it comes to careers and trying to redeem something of a working life to help contribute, I'm flogging a dead horse as I am of no use to anyone or anything. DH hates the thought of me working and although our youngest starts school this year me trying to find work is a bit of a sore point to him and causes huge friction. But that's a different story.

Anyway, his business although is affluent on paper, is costing us a fortune and we literally have NOTHING to live on as every penny he earns is ploughed back into the business and his debts. We are taking HUNDREDS of thousands of pounds to dozens of companies from BT to the Inland Revenue. There is a lot of money, property and land involved so the scale is huge.

For the last for years we live off his "wage" of £12k a year and this is for our family of 5. He absolutely insists on being extravagant with the children so that they do not know how poor we are. For example they all had luxury items for Christmas. It's ridiculous I know, but he's very firm about this. He believes that they are brought up to never need or want for anything. Not something I believe but at the end of the day what he says goes.

We have leaks, guttering falling down around our ears, broken windows, mould, holes developing in the roof Paint coming off the doors, and any day now our phone will be cut off again (it is cut off every time it's due) all of our furnishings are so old and battered we couldn't even sell them to raise money.

Obviously because on paper he makes a decent living we have no benefits. However and I realise that this is terrible, I still receive child benefit because if I didn't then we wouldn't eat some weeks. He lives in both stress and denial about our situation and I feel like he's a time bomb waiting to go off. I simply don't think I can live like this any more. I hate our house because of what it has brought us and he constantly insists change is around the corner.

AIBU to be terrified about the future? I feel I can't leave because if I left I would have nothing to go to. I wouldn't receive any help, any benefits, or anything to get me back into work because apparently we live an affluent lifestyle.

I feel if I stay things are just going to get worse. I am so unhappy and i can't speak to him about it because it ends in blazing rows.

I absolutely hate my life right now. I've just had to cancel a long awaited dental appointment because I can't afford the petrol and the money to pay for it. I'm supposed to be going away with friends in a few weeks and am thinking up excuses as to why I can't go already.

Please understand I am not trying to drip feed here and I am not boasting about what size of house we live in. I know this is confused and muddled but I really am desperate and very upset. I haven't been able to pay my own bills since before Christmas and they've now added up and are due tomorrow but I have to make the choice between paying them or buying food.

I can't carry on. Yet I have to be happy joyful and jolly for the world around me.

I fully accept and appreciate that you are extremely cash poor as a family but, surely, your biggest problem is your relationship with your dh? You do not appear to have any say in your working/financial life and that must be the biggest stressor of all?

You need an accountant and debt advice. Look at things like debt management, IVA, bankruptcy.

I would also point out that if you have broken windows and holes in the house the children know that you are too poor to fix them.

I think it is going to be very difficult for this op to get financial advice or access to her dh's accountant, without his say-so.

Perhaps threaten him with an ultimatum op? Tell him you will leave him unless he gets his head out of the sand and you get full disclosure on the family finances and jointly seek out whatever help is out there to enable you to get on top of the situation.

Is there anyone else at all who knows the truth of your situation? A good friend or employee of his perhaps?

Indeed they do.

and what is going to happen when eventually companies decide enough is enough and declare you bankrupt?

Are you worried how he might react to that?

do you not get any say in anything? You just have to go along with what he says? Why is that?

one day all this is going to come crashing down around him and that will be horrendous.

you have to choose now what you are going to do.

OP, I can sympathise as my DH is a farmer, so I understand the financial side and cash flow of farming better than most. The difference between you and I, is that I manage the accounts on a day to day basis and my DH dislikes spending money unless he has to!

Have you got a good accountant? If you have the 100's of thousands of debt you say you have, then the accounts should not be reflecting that you are affluent and you should be entitled to things like tax credits etc - especially if your DH is only taking a wage of £12K a year. Does that wage pay for your mortgage/bills too, or are those put through the farm accounts seperately? If you need one, I can point you in the direction of a good FARM specialist accountant.

Or is it a cashflow issue rather than "having no money" because DH is feckless with his spending, which in turn means bills are not paidbecause the money is not there?

Our farm accounts are very feast or famine depending on the time of year. As a result, we have to plan ahead and micro-manage so that we know bills can be paid when they are due. That means holding money back for different things - for e.g. we have 2 lots of machinery costs going out this month which are pegged against the SFP. On paper if I looked at our accounts today, we look rich, but in reality, we have about £50 spare this month as we know big bills are due out.

I think if you have access to the accounts, the first thing to do is work out just how much you owe, when it is due, and what you have coming in. Are you arable, dairy or beef/sheep? That will help you work out when the lump sums are coming in and give you negotiation power to talk to your creditors, because you'll be able to offer payment terms when you negotiate.

If you are livestock based, can DH sell some in the short term to ease cash flow? If you are arable, can you negotiate with payments to contractors etc, so that you use their credit facilities not yours-fer e.g, we pay for our maize seed at the end of the year when it is being foraged and put in the clamp, instead of in April, which means we can then pay for it with the SFP.

If you want to PM me, just for support even, please do - I get it from your POV.

Also married to a farmer. I know it's not straightforward. Many farmers are asset rich and cash poor.

To be honest I think this will be difficult to resolve without a serious talk about the business. If he has hundreds of thousands in bills and debt, he must have a substantial asset base to be able to raise that sort of credit. Your must be owners rather than tenants?

If has has overstretched himself in terms of cashflow, he needs to engage with his accountant to get it back on track. If his head is in the sand, you will have to be more engaged - no question. Are you on the books? You should be, if you are not working off the farm.

I think you should both meet with the accountant, if you have not already, and agree the action plan. Selling some livestock, renting out fields, there are usually options if the asset base is there. I hope you get it sorted, op.