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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know IABU but is everyone this "woe is me"

32 replies

AmericasTorturedBrow · 13/01/2014 16:01

I know IABU, I am very lucky to have my health, a decent DH, 2DC, get to live in a fab place, have all sorts of amazing and inspirational friends, close to my parents and brother etc.

But I turned 30 last year, never expected to be married with a family at this age, DID expect to have got somewhere with a career, to be on my way to achieving....something?

I'm being very woe is me about it all and have had my head bitten off by friends in the opposite situation (great career, nobody friend let alone DH or DC). I feel like I wandered into this life without considering the consequences and an now a SAHM which I never wanted to be (can't work ATM due to visa restrictions). I suppose I felt like I had more potential than this and I don't know how to get myself out of this self indulgent rut. Honestly sometimes I just want to walk out the door with a backpack and start all over again.

AIBU in thinking this is self pitying and useless and stupid, or does everyone feel like this to some extent?!

OP posts:
Original poster
AmericasTorturedBrow · 13/01/2014 16:02

*no boyfriend NOT nobody friend Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
AmericasTorturedBrow · 13/01/2014 16:03

Also this is in no way a tirade against SAHM, some of my closest friends are SAHM and are fulfilled and happy and achieving what they most wanted out of life

I feel like I am one thing on paper and the opposite in my head

OP posts:
isitsnowingyet · 13/01/2014 16:03

How close in age are your DCs?

Bootycall · 13/01/2014 16:04

everyone feels like this at some point in their lives, usually when they have a birthday with a zero at the end.

Original poster
AmericasTorturedBrow · 13/01/2014 16:04

They're both still fairly young - 5yo and 2yo (who doesn't sleep)

OP posts:
EeyoreIsh · 13/01/2014 16:05

I think it's quite rare to have achieved both a career, a marriage and kids by the time you turn 30.

Can you do some voluntary work or study?

Justforlaughs · 13/01/2014 16:06

So, get a job?? Make whatever you want out of your life. I am older than you and have the family etc, all I ever wanted but recently have been thinking about having more of a career than a part time fill in job. I know that I either have to carry on as I am or do something about it. You're the only one who can change things. Yes, you've got a lot to be grateful for, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't still have ambition.

Original poster
AmericasTorturedBrow · 13/01/2014 16:10

I don't know anyone who has achieved job and kids and career at 30, I suppose I just expected to be in the career side (and in all honesty know I was single I'd be whining about that too)

I am desperate to get back into work, any work - but I'm currently not allowed to work because I love abroad and am on non working visa. Volunteering is tough to do around DC as while we're fine financially we don't have the extra to put them into childcare. I have found one volunteer opportunity I can work around our lives though so am in the middle of applying for it

OP posts:
isitsnowingyet · 13/01/2014 16:10

The reason I ask the ages is because the first two years with a new child is (for me) is the hardest time when you have to adjust your perspective rather a lot. It does get easier as they get older. It sounds like you need a break from the little darlings on a regular basis - which can be tough. I wasn't fortunate to have any close relatives able to help with child care and it is easy to feel trapped. I joined a gym (which was lovely) and went running out the door once or twice a week as soon as DH arrived home.

Can you arrange any getaway time?

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 13/01/2014 16:13

I sympathise somewhat. We all feel a bit that way sometimes. I thought id be something other too. It's taken a while to realise that actually what I have there are others that aspire to have. That I'm lucky. That I'm not dead yet and I can still achieve this other AND have my dh & dds.

I'm 37. I had dd1 at 34. She's 3. It's taken 3 yrs of unsettlement to feel more content. Possibly just getting used to the me now as was before. I feel more hope about 40 btw. But kids will be bigger, I'll have more freedom. Dunno if that's the right word actually. Im working towards the next steps.

You need to figure out what you want and how to get it again. Made it sound easy didn't i...? But others do it so why can't you or I?

slugseatlettuce · 13/01/2014 16:14

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slugseatlettuce · 13/01/2014 16:15

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slugseatlettuce · 13/01/2014 16:15

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ButEmilylovedhim · 13/01/2014 16:17

Yes, me. I've got a lovely dh and 2 great dcs but I'm at home with no job or career, the kids are in school and I'm 40! Always did very well at school and had loads of potential but haven't done anything with it. Like you, I thought finding someone to marry me would be the hard part! It hasn't all been my choice, had some ill health but really it's been my choice to be at home with the children. Sometimes I feel very dissatisfied and angry at myself for not changing things, but at the moment I am fairly content. Have got through the 'but-I-could-be-finding-a-cure-for-cancer-right-now-instead-of-cleaning-up-this-sodding-room-again' tantrum for now. I have shed many, many tears over it though.

Snatchoo · 13/01/2014 16:19

YANBU. I'm 31, as a teen I didn't think kids would even be a consideration until I hit at least 35 - now here I am, with 3 under 5 and a 12 year old DSS.

Sometimes I do get wistful for the life I could've had - if I hadn't left dance college, if I'd chosen a different uni course.....I'm pretty happy with my lot though. I try not to think about how different my life could have been though, it throws up all sorts of embarrassing memories!

Viviennemary · 13/01/2014 16:24

It is perfectly reasonable that you are now discontented with your lot. And you can start making some long term plans for changes to prepare for a new career if that's what you want.

matildamatilda · 13/01/2014 16:25

How about an MBA or law school, if you're in DC. One of those part-time evening programmes.

IneedAwittierNickname · 13/01/2014 16:27

Is it something to do with turning30 maybe? I'm turning 30 later this year, and all my old school friends are too (obviously some already are). My step sister will be 30 early next year
She had a big moan a couple of months ago about the fact that she isn't married and doesnt have dc, when most of her friends are/do. She seems very unhappy with her life, and I do feel.for her. However she has a lovely lovely dp,who is putting her name on his owned property and a fab career which she loves.
Otoh, I'm a single mum. I'd love to have a dp like she does, and a career. I'm fed up of being alone and skint. Although I'm working on the career. I also rarely moan about this as I have 2 amazing dc and therefore feel I can't complain.
I guess we both look at what the other has and want it while sometimes forgetting to look at what we have.

As for.the school friends?.some seem happy with their life, others not so much.

woodrunner · 13/01/2014 16:30

Well, YABU only in that you are not recognising your own part and your own achievement in having a good marriage, picking a good man, raising two DC etc. These things take energy, especially when DC are young. And culturally we are taught to be dismissive of them. As though they are effortless, as though DC raise themselves and DPs need no attention. In reality - these things take time, energy etc and you've devoted yours with results. Which is imo a considerable achievement.

But YAdefinitelyNBU to want more if you're feeling restless. If you can't work due to visa restrictions, take a look at what you can do. Can you study towards qualifications in your ideal field? Can you work from home or online for a UK based company? Can you make things or start up your own business? can you volunteer (assuming money isn't an issue) in a capacity that really challenges you mentally and develops your skills?

Can you just do something you love? Write or learn an instrument, or something where your progress is notable and achievement is for its own sake?

DH's best friend from college is now world famous. DH compares himself unfavourably. Said person has no partner, no family, endless public problems. I'd rather be DH, of the two. He still has his untapped talent, which he can put to good use whenever he chooses to pull his finger out whereas his old friend seems too screwed up to ever have a stable, happy personal life.

Original poster
AmericasTorturedBrow · 13/01/2014 16:30

Thanks all for being supportive rather than flame throwing - it's very reassuring To hear others feel or felt the same. And I am aware that 30 is young enough to turn it around, that sleep deprivation probably has a lot to do with it. I'm also aware that I'm here because of choices I made, not anybody else dictating how my life should run.

It was my decision to get married and have children fairly young and quickly, though in all honesty I didn't spend much time thinking it all through Hmm

And I pushed for the move abroad - leaving behind a burgeoning career doing something I loved (but didn't pay enough while we had two young DC hence thinking moving then when I'd have to take a break anyway for financial reasons)...feel like I've really shot myself in the foot and I jealously look around at all my friends of the same age who at least seem to have choices about what they do when over the next few years

I just need to get my motivation back. I went home to the UK in September and a few friends asked what was in the pipeline - I was always such a doer that everyone expected me to have something up my sleeve. But I don't - I spend my days cleaning and tidying and sleep training

OP posts:
woodrunner · 13/01/2014 16:31

Didn't mean to imply that no one can have it all in that post. DH's old friend is lovely and deserves far more. But just saying that we tend to take for granted what we have and berate ourselves for not attaining what we've let slip by.

Original poster
AmericasTorturedBrow · 13/01/2014 16:33

Turning 30 is I'm sure a massive part of the problem!!!

I'm looking into studying but again cost is a bit of an issue. I am writing again and have aims for the end of the year in that respect

OP posts:
MadeOfStarDust · 13/01/2014 16:35

I did it the opposite way round... had my career - then got married and had kids in late 30s.. now I don't give a stuff about a "career" - life is good, I have a job I love and a family that is turning out pretty damn well...

But I'm 49 and have realised that NO-ONE else is responsible for making me happy, if I want something I have to get off my butt and go out and grab the opportunities that come my way with both hands...

Voluntary stuff can be great and good experience for later, or study might make you feel you are getting out of the SAHM rut since you can't work right now...

but be careful what you wish for - instead of spending time thinking of what might have been, and what might be yet to be, look at what you have - 2 kids, decent marriage, nice friends and family, good health - those things don't just happen either... think of your "achievement" so far!

MadeOfStarDust · 13/01/2014 16:37

sorry woodrunner - xpost......

Bootycall · 13/01/2014 16:39

30 is young!