to not want to share lifts?

[ChablisChic]

I do an evening class one night a week in a town 20 minutes away. A male neighbour does the same class so it's obviously sensible to share lifts and halve the petrol costs.

However - he is the most crashingly boring person I've ever met, and on our journeys to and from the class he drones on and on about stuff I have no interest in. As we arrive together, we tend to end up sitting together too, so I have the whole evening with him.

Occasionally he has to work a late shift so goes straight to the class and I go on my own, and I love it. Especially coming home, when I can mull over what we've been doing in the class.

How can I stop lift sharing without hurting his feelings or by lying? Once or twice I've made up a story about going to class straight from a friend's house, but I had to leave home extra early so he didn't see me drive past his house! I know I'd get caught out if I did this too often, so what should I do? It spoils my enjoyment of the class but I can't think of a good reason to stop the lifts. I know someone will just say I should tell him the arrangement doesn't work for me any more, but I know he'll ask why and it will lead to bad feeling all round. I see his wife around the village a lot too, so it could be embarrassing.

TIA for any advice.

Tell him you don't want people to get the wrong idea abo

O

Sorry, the wrong idea about you...nudge nudge, wink wink

Whats the class - have you any other friends taking it that you could sit with?

I think for the sake of the environment it would be better to find a way of enduring the drives - is there a radio station or podcast you could insist on listening to? Or claim you need a power nap?

NIGHTMARE, OP, this is the kind of pickle I'd get myself in.

I think I would make up a lie saying I've now got a regular personal engagement before the class in the town where it takes place, and leave half an hour early and get a coffee nearby and enjoy half an hour of MN-ing headspace. An extra half hour out of your day might be a squeeze around your other commitments but worth it IMO to avoid this squirmsome situation.

If he pushes on what the 'engagement' is, intimate that its women's stuff.

Someone else will be along soon with a much better suggestion I'm sure.

You can't let him down without hurting his feelings.

I would just suck it up. It won't be forever.

It won't be forever, but it's spoiling the OP's enjoyment of a leisure activity she's presumably paying for.... when the lift-sharing ends, the pleasure she derives from the class ends too....

Can tell him you have to go somewhere else on the way home? So you have to travel independently.

If it were me I'd tell him you've just started using your car journeys to listen to something (language learning tapes, reviewing stuff for work, whatever) and you won't be able to have him in the car.

Of you could just say you need a bit of peace and quiet, but I know I would white lie because I'm a bit of a wuss.

It seems a bit mean op. Think you should suck it up for the drive but once you get there make your way towards other friends in the class.

OOooo - language tapes - that's a good one LRD....

Btw, I don't think it is mean at all.

It's sad for him if he is someone who struggles a lot with social engagement but from the way you said it - he insists on talking about things you're not interested in - he sounds a bit rude, actually.

My antisocial skills are honed, vivi.

As it's an evening class, I'm presuming it isn't forever or more than a year? I'd just suck it up. It's not the worst thing in the world.

melanie sometimes I dash to the loo when we get to the school the class is in, so that I can go into the classroom separately and sit with someone else, but he always saves me a seat!

vivi ooh, 'women's stuff' - that's a good one! Trouble is,I'm a bit pushed for time anyway, but it would be worth juggling other things to be there half an hour earlier.

arctic I know it won't be for ever, but this is the second year (it's a foreign language class) and I anticipate doing a further year as well.

former ha! ha! I don't think anyone could possibly get the wrong idea; he's about 20 years younger than me with a young family.

Thanks for the responses, keep the ideas coming!

Trying droning on about how bad your last period was, the births of your DCs, your DH's vasectomy/ erection problems, arguments with your ILs etc, etc. See how long it is before it's him making the excuses

LRD I would love to say that I just needed some peace and quiet - that's the truth of it, but I know he would take it personally (well, it IS personal!)

Oh, sure. I wouldn't say it either. I just wanted to reassure you it's not actually rude to want peace and quiet, even if you do have to say something else to save his feelings a bit.

do you have any elderly relatives who might be a little unfirm? You have to call in on your way there or back (depending if you have the time before , so if he sees you on the way, you didn't have the chance yet!). It'll be very few weeks you can car share, can you just plan not too and if things change, you'll let him know?

Say thank you that he understands, it's one less thing to worry about if you don't have to rush to be on time ot pick him up etc... (add a sad smile)

How abut saying your work/childcare arrangements/other hobbies mean you don't know from one week to the next whether you'll be going straight from home or via somewhere else (on the way there or the way back) and as you'd hate to let him down at the last minute, forget to let him know if you weren't able to share a lift that day, or make him late if you had to go via somewhere else, you think it's be better if you both just do your own thing so that he doesn't have the hassle of wondering whether you'll be sharing a lift from one week to the next. You're really doing him a favour actually!

Why do you need to give a reason?

Just say you're sorry but you wont be able to give him a lift anymore. End of.

If he pushes for a reason just say it's a private matter or you'd rather not discuss it.

Ah, now don'tmind that's the sort of excuse I could possibly get away with. I'm just a really bad liar and am liable to tangle myself up in knots.

Thanks for all your input, I'm glad people understand and not everyone told me off for being selfish/miserable!

I think this is a good time to tell a white lie. I would say something along the lines that you might be running late so you will meet him there or that you are not sure if you are coming home straight after the class, keep it vague and don't apologise. Keep this up for ago I'd few weeks and he should stop asking.

How about doing your food shopping on the way back?

I get really car sick and hate being a passenger for this reason. I once got into a fix with a colleague with a series of meetings that we were meant to be attending, out if work hours. She was so pushy about driving me there and back every week, and I knew I would feel really crappy having to be driven around. So I changed my food shopping day and drove myself, doing my food shopping at 9.30pm every wed evening. It was lovely and quiet in the supermarket, lots of food reduced, and I got out of feeling sick every Wednesday night, without causing offence!