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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

iabu about 10 year old and emotional blackmail?

16 replies

minidisco · 13/01/2014 14:52

My 10 year old son begged for a phone for months, we finally gave in and got him a second hand one this weekend. I have read through his texts and am devastated, he has been bombarding his "girlfriend" with texts, repeatedly asking her if she is "cheating" on him, and threatening to kill himself! This girlfriend is in his class, and they don't even speak at school, only by text! Obviously I am taking the phone away as he is far too immature to have it, as proven by the content of the messages. However, I am so upset that he has sent this kind of messages, that he has these kind of thoughts, snd that he is expressing them in this way. I am going to sit him down after school to discuss it, and try and get to the bottom of his feelings.

However, my oh thinks that I am going over the top, and that he is just testing boundaries and has probably heard language like this on tv!!!
I know that I am not bu taking it away from him, but aibu being so worried and upset that he is expressing such thoughts and feelings, that I was completely unaware of?

OP posts:

Iamavapernow · 13/01/2014 14:54

YANBU.

I would be worried in your shoes.

If after discussion about it you find you don't need to be worried, then I'd be very angry about it.

greenfolder · 13/01/2014 14:55

i think that yanbu to be shocked. i think you need to find out exactly what is going on and why he sent those texts.

did the girl respond to them?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/01/2014 14:55

That is scary and yes I think you are right in sitting him down and having a chat with him about it.

Is he an otherwise happy boy? I wouldn't have thought it was normal for a 10 year old to be talking about killing himself over a girl but then perhaps I am niave. Has he been watching or playing anything new recently?

My DS (11) has a phone and he knows I check it from time to time and I always know his password.

Boreoff456 · 13/01/2014 14:55

No you are not bu. This needs tackling, this behaviour is worrying. His texting could land him in deep trouble. If someone was text my dd like this (she doesn't actually have a phone) I would be speaking to you and involving the school.

But you need the right approach. You need to be calm and non accusing. And you need to listen to him. I am sure you will.

Good luck

somedizzywhore1804 · 13/01/2014 14:58

My guess here would be that he's seen something like this on TV. Does anything spring to mind that he watches? Sounds like the kind if melodrama that's in soaps and I loved soaps at his age.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 13/01/2014 14:59

I think it is very important that you teach him that you do not treat people this way!

It's not about going ott with him, but setting out what is and is not acceptable in a relationship.

If he was a grown man, we'd be calling what he is doing Abusive. Which makes it very important that he unlearns that now and goes forward with a better attitude and way of interacting with women. He's only a kid and no doubt has no clue what he's doing, so it's down to you and your husband to show him how to behave in relationships. I don't think your husband is right to suggest doing bugger all. It's best to act now, in little ways, in an age appropriate manner. He's testing boundaries, maybe so, but that's reason to teach him in itself!

As an aside - TEN?! When I was ten, I was playing with barbies. Don't kids grow up fast these days?

Original poster

minidisco · 13/01/2014 15:06

He is normally a happy, pleasant boy that is why I am so shocked and upset! I can't think what he could have seen on tv, as he doesn't really watch much. I am dreading getting him from school and the conversation that I need to have with him, as I don't think I can do it without getting upset! He is desperate to fit in and be cool, but these kind of thoughts are so worrying and concerning. Thank you for the replies

OP posts:

Boreoff456 · 13/01/2014 15:10

Do you have reason to suspect his friends act like this? Just thinking about the comment about him trying to fit in?

Original poster

minidisco · 13/01/2014 15:17

Thats what my husband said boreoff, but I have no reason to believe his friends act like this, its such an extreme statement to make and very un-age appropriate! Completely inappropriate for any age!

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/01/2014 15:21

Mini I can't imagine how he would see that as fitting in though? Are all his mates getting girlfriends and maybe he is desperate not to be dumped??

Def have a chat with him though and no way are you being OTT.

Choccybaby · 13/01/2014 17:53

My DS is the same age and occasionally makes comments like "i want to kill myself" in an over dramatic way when he's been told he doesn't get his own way which is what this sounds like. I don't think it's all that rare.
That said he only says it to me and wouldn't try to manipulate friends like this (I hope).

Hope the talk goes well with him tonight OP

Littleen · 13/01/2014 18:42

I'd have a chat both with your son and his 'girlfriend' and potentially get him to talk to someone else as well. I do think it's better to take it overly serious than sweep it under the rug as "language learnt from tv" sort of thing.

Boreoff456 · 13/01/2014 19:07

how did the chat go?

Logg1e · 13/01/2014 19:09

I feel some sympathy for your son. You gave him an adult "tool" and he's only 10. Things could have gone wrong if you'd given him a car or electric carving knife.

I think you should speak to the girl's mum if appropriate and tell the school, just so they are all aware and can check that she's ok.

I think it's also an opportunity to discuss this with your son. Differentiate between his bad behaviour with the texts, and the normal behaviour of having difficult feelings.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 13/01/2014 19:16

Hope the chat went well.

Can't ever imagine texting that at 10 years old and I am only 23 so it wasn't that long ago that I was ten :(

Whereisegg · 13/01/2014 20:18

I have a 10yo dd and I would be raging if she received messages like that, so I fully agree with logg that you need to talk to his teacher so they can pass on your assurance to the girls parents that you are taking this seriously.

It's great that you are, and really hope your chat went well.

The next chat needs to be with your dh I think.

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