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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Triangle Friendship

15 replies

puddingpup · 13/01/2014 12:59

I don't know if I'm overreacting, but my DD has been in a triangle friendship since nursery, and is now in year 4. Last year my DD came home from school upset as girls x and y wouldn't play with her. I let things run and spoke to DD about making other friends and you can't always play with the same people. Girl x's mum told me my DD wouldn't let her child play with anyone else and that they needed space to play with others. Hurtful but the mum is a friend so I swallowed it and went with maybe my DD was being a little clingy. I thought this had passed as things seemed to settle down, until last weekend. My DD messaged girl x to say she felt left out at school as they were always playing with girl y. Obviously as a mum the last thing I want to think is my DD alone and friendless, although I am certain this isn't the case, as DD has lots of little friends that have come for play days and DD has been invited back in return. But for some reason x is her bff and she always gravitates towards her. I have paid more attention over the last few months and x can be quite manipulative and sly, little comments designed to knock confidence or pretending ignorance of a situation to get out of trouble, but I feel she is now getting worse and trying to cause issues in the triangle. x told y that she hoped my DD didn't tell y that x is not her friend, telling DD that she doesn't like y, and telling my DD that she wants to play with others as my DD is not letting her. I know this is not true as speaking to other mums I know DD plays with a wide range of friends at school giving more weight to x not playing with her. I don't want to interfere if I'm going to make matters worse, and being friends with girl x mum makes things difficult, any advice how I can encourage my DD to move away from the triangle without causing upset?

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/01/2014 13:12

Oh dear, step back a moment.

You'll have years of this so all you can do is keep bolstering DD's confidence. Little ones don't always play nicely or fair and alas sometimes our own little angels can be as bad as the rest. The good thing is, DD has been able to play with a range of classmates, which means she isn't depending on x or y. Keep up playdates with a variety of others and if x and/or y mess D about, be matter of fact about it, suggest she leave them to themselves for a while.

You say DD is gravitating to x, even if they fall out, they will probably follow that pattern for some while to come. I really think you have to let the DCs sort it out themselves. As soon as mums start to get involved, the danger is there'll be tensions between adults long after the DCs have sorted things out.

If your friend brings up the girls' friendship again just say, let's agree they have to fight their own battles, I hope their tiffs won't affect our friendship!

PS maybe split that one big paragraph in three next time?

Original poster
puddingpup · 13/01/2014 13:28

Thank you, it's my first time on here and I wasn't sure what to do. Your advice confirms what I was thinking.

I've been on amazon looking up some "Self help" books hoping to encourage my DDs self esteem so she can walk away if things get tough.

I never thought it would start this early, girls can be mean.

]
[thanks}

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/01/2014 13:38

Better figuring out now how to deal with it before the teen years Smile.

WhoNickedMyName · 13/01/2014 13:41

As the PP said, step right back. This is playground stuff. Let your DD work this out for herself.

And please don't start presenting your 7/8 year old with self help books!

Mim78 · 13/01/2014 13:44

the only good advice I have come across is to keep telling dd to play with a range of children, and that x is not the only friend worth playing with.

You can make the teacher aware but there is probably nothing they can do.

CoffeeTea103 · 13/01/2014 13:53

Goodness please take a step back and not be so involved. They will need to figure this out on their own. Try encourage your dd to make other friends.

TheVictorian · 13/01/2014 14:15

one option is to not become too involved yourself but to guide your dd so she is able to better understand what is happening.

Olivegirl · 13/01/2014 14:43

I had all this with my two dds when they were both in primary school , I think it's the norm especially with girls. They are learning how to deal with people and situations in real life. I always took a step back and listened but did not get too involved. They have to fight their own battles and sort out their own social situations, as said before mums should not get involved. The kids will be friends one minute and calling someone else BFF the next. Let it all run its course it's hard I know but my dds ( now 18 & 16) say to me they are glad we let them sort out their own lives and wouldn't have wanted me to cause tension or fall outs with their friends or their parents.

Toecheese · 13/01/2014 14:50

Ask her who elapse she likes and have regular play dates.

4athomeand1cooking · 13/01/2014 14:56

You have had some really good advice here.

With girls the drama starts at end if year 3 and continues all the way through!

With my eldest, I wasted so much emotional stress on the situation, in fact I probably allowed my dd to play the drama at home.

I am much more relaxed with dd2 and actually we do not have nearly as many problems with her.

You can get her to step away from the group but she will have the same with new friends. It is just girls at this age and although hurtful, it really is best to take a back seat.

greenfolder · 13/01/2014 15:07

agree. stand back as far as you can. you will never actually know who says what/does what etc.

good advice re other friends- maybe be a bit proactive and invite one over "as a change"

outside activities- brownies, girls brigade, sports.

my telling thing with my daughters was to say"do you want me to ask the class teacher about it?" 95% of the time the answer was not.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 13/01/2014 15:13

Outside activities, music activities etc where x isn't there. Preferably children who will eventually go to the same high school. Show her there is life out of school and other people to play with.

Bettercallsaul1 · 13/01/2014 15:24

I agree with greenfolder that it would be an excellent idea for your daughter to expand her friendships outside the school environment, so that she has different "sets" of friends. This means that if she is going through a difficult patch socially at school, she still has other friends to see . This can take the heat out of the school situation, which can get very intense, especially for girls.

Find some outside interests - drama classes, Brownies, sports clubs - where she can meet other girls of around the same age but from different schools, and invite them home for tea etc. Then, when her classmates are planning their weekend activities which may not include your daughter, she can just announce her own plans in an unconcerned way. Paradoxically, the less she is seen to care about school friendships, the more popular she will be!

Bettercallsaul1 · 13/01/2014 15:29

The great benefit of making friends from clubs outside school is that the girls already share a common interest, which is a strong basis for genuine friendship - unlike school, where the social group has already been chosen for you.

Weelady77 · 13/01/2014 15:47

I'm going through this with my dd and her friends!
I stand back and when dd tells me things I explain to her to ignore it or if she's in the wrong tell her why,
One of the other parents is in the school constantly telling the teachers!
She's going to be going into school a long time as I think this is really common for girls!

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