To want to cut ties with FIL and wish MIL would LTB? (long)

[hellooctober01]

I've been with my DP for 3 years now, and for almost all that time his parents have treated me so badly. Everything I do is wrong, rude, mean, controlling of DP etc, even if we make informed decisions as a couple like where to book our holiday or how we want to decorate our home they accuse me of steering him toward my choice. I don't btw! DP and I work as equals. The rest of his family love me to bits and I love them but I'm never welcome to visit family if they are there so DP and I go round to see everyone on our own and it must look awfully strange that I'm not part of their family unit and I can see them making out that I didn't WANT to be there with them to try make me look bad.

I've come to realise its mostly FILs doing, my MIL is relatively nice to me on her own, and I find it confusing how she switches off and goes cold when he comes home from work and I'm visiting, or if he is anywhere with us. I've come to see she does it for show because he hates me so much, she lets me know in subtle ways she knows I'm not all bad but wont stand up to him and have peace in the house?
DP and I think shes scared of him. He's quite domineering, very narcissistic, he's rude, selfish and will spoil your day if he's had a bad one so nobody can be happy unless he is. He treats her like a live in maid, he's forever doing gross things like leaving bits of food lying around to decompose and then goes mad if the house is a mess and she hasn't cleaned it all up after him, he sulks if his dinner isn't on the table after he walks in from work and he is only affectionate toward her when he wants something or if he's being so godawful he needs to make up to her to be sure she doesnt walk out on him. She was talking to him the other day, stopped mid sentence because she realised he was ignoring her and he didn't even notice. Wtf?!

DP and SIL are both a bit emotionally scarred by him, both have horrible self esteem issues, cant express their emotions and both feel inadequate because he's always made it clear they aren't good enough. SIL never can be cos shes a girl and he never wanted one, and DP because he wont let his dad live vicariously through him and finally begun to take his own path in life when he met me and finally got a bit of confidence, not being big headed here, DP tells me so, but its another thing FIL hates me for.

AIBU to want to somewhat cut ties with him? I'm sick of feeling on edge and definitely don't want to in my own home. DP doesn't want him around either but feels obliged because he feels sorry for MIL and she wont go without him. I sort of think it's her own fault for putting up with it, I'd have LTB a long time ago. I would be happy for DP to see the both of them of his own accord, I just don't want them in my home or to have our DC unsupervised when we have them since he's emotionally abused his own kids and MIL never stopped him. The whole family is involved in a sport and if one of our future DC wanted to play and not the other I can see him favouring DC1 and ignoring DC2 for not being good enough. If my DP wanted to take the kids to see them for supervised visits I wouldn't mind, but I wouldn't go because I feel judged and don't want them to tell me what a horrible parent I am and belittle me. I wouldn't even mind meeting MIL for coffee and a chat, but not him. I have tried to be lovely to him, I always do xmas and birthday cards and little gifts, I come help clean the house and make the dinner and I'm a saint for it considering the circumstances but I'm ready to give up because he just hurts me again and again. AIBU, and for the record, should she LTB or is it just me? of course i dont want their family to be broken, but its become a dictatorship instead of a family anyway...

I think you should immediately stop cleaning their house and cooking for them.

I agree! I wouldn't help them at all. If I had done no wrong and my pils were horrible to me my dp wouldn't stand for it. I understand your dh is possibly fearful of their dp but ime bullies only have the influence they are allowed to have.

I'd cut ties but I'd have told fil to fuck off long ago.

For a while, DP wouldn't do anything about it out of fear but has since started to stick up for me after I told him I'd leave if not. I've had it in my mind so long there must actually be something so terrible about me and tried really hard to be nice and fix it in the hope they'd start to be nice to me but I've totally snapped now and I am going to give up on it. 3 years is too long and if they were going to ever be nice, they would have by now, right?
I did feel sorry for MIL for a while too, doing everything around the house on her own, but if she wont leave an abusive, unhappy marriage then she's going to have to pander to his needs forever I suppose, he isn't my dad, he isn't my husband, I shouldn't suffer under him.

Is it an option for you to go round there while he's in work? If challenged, you can say "FIL you've made it clear you don't like me, why would I come when I'm not welcome?"

It is not easy my FIL is emotionally abusive too and I tryto keep contact with the family but limit his contact with my DCs. I judge my MiL for enabling his behaviour but possibly I should understand her a little more as a woman who has been in this relationship so long.

I think YANBU in wanting to limit you're own time with your in-laws but you seem to be obsessing over your MILs marriage - maybe some distance would be good.

Your not you're. Autocorrect fail.

I think you should go round to your PIL's and say like another post said 'you've made it clear you don't like me, i think its best if i stop coming round' etc

My main problem in all this is that if I confront them, I'll always look like the villain. They both put on this show of happy families outside the home and are well liked within our tight knit community, I can't talk to anyone I know about this because they wouldn't believe me. When I met DP he still lived at home, we were quite young, and they've tried to tell me I'm dragging him away from his family because he didn't want to stay living with them forever and ever.
The only reason I'm bothered about their marriage is because she's such a different, nicer person without his influence and I want her in my life as that person, rather than cutting her off because of him, but she, for whatever reason, loves him to some degree and probably won't ever leave him. That's up to her.
I'm going to have to slowly distance myself from both of them I think, and when we have our DC they deffo won't be getting unsupervised visits or anything and DP will have to take them there. I'll just be subtle about it and create natural distance so they don't cause a massive row and make me look like the bad guy.

Sit down and tell them exactly how you told us here. If they don't like it no more cooking, cleaning and no DC to visit. Play hardball

I think you know how to handle them. Just be distant, cut off from them emotionally. They are not your parents, you aren't stopping DH from seeing them but you don't have to go and you're not obliged to do stuff for them like they are your parents. Just see MiL on her own.

Personally I wouldn't confront directly, there's no need. He sounds like a narcissist from you description & people like that are very dangerous, as are their co-dependant partners, in this case your MIL.

I'm afraid they have a dysfunctional relationship which serves both their needs. If she didn't behave in the way she does, they would not have a relationship at all. She is also to blame for the emotional abuse of her children...please do not under value this. As a mother she should have fiercely protected her children from his abuse rather than stand on the sidelines & watch.

Her relationship with him is none of your business, I'd keep out.

However, I would protect myself & my family from this man. Do some reasearch into narcissists so that you know what you are dealing with. Having dealt with 2 in the past, I would no NC I'm afraid. If your DH wishes to see them, that's his choice, but I would not let my children be around someone who was so destructive.