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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not be able to forgive attempted assault

19 replies

daiseehope · 12/01/2014 17:45

My partner got drunk and tried to force / cajole me unto having sex. it was all verbal but v upsetting. he is begging for another chance. he is attending counselling. AIBU to think that this is too big to forget?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 12/01/2014 17:46

I would walk away and never look back.

Financeprincess · 12/01/2014 17:50

What did the forcing involve? I'm curious as to how a verbal exchange qualifies as an assault. Unacceptable behaviour, yes, but assault?

Original poster
daiseehope · 12/01/2014 18:02

he attempted to force me to have sex with him. he was very drunk and physically intimidating. he kept going on and in, shouting or swearing. he kept coming to the bedroom where I was in bed to go on some more. maybe I used the wrong words.

OP posts:
PinkandGreenStripes · 12/01/2014 18:03

Leave. Walk away. It will happen again and you may not be able to stop him becoming physical with you.

Original poster
daiseehope · 12/01/2014 18:03

I have no idea whether words can constitute a threatened physical assault legally and tbh that's how it felt.

OP posts:
DejaVuAllOverAgain · 12/01/2014 18:04

See this for what it is, a major, huge red flag and walk away.

Original poster
daiseehope · 12/01/2014 18:05

I'm sorry to drip feed. he's begging for me to give him time on counselling. I don't know what to do we've been together ages with 4 ds .

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 12/01/2014 18:06

I think there are two things here.

Firstly, no, of course it isn't wrong or bad if you can't forgive him for what he did.

But secondly - why do you feel as if you have to justify it? You are entitled to walk out of a relationship. You don't actually have to have a good reason anyway. As it happens, you have a damn good reason - but you shouldn't have to feel you have to justify yourself.

No one should ever make you feel you have to justify why you left a bad relationship. If you feel this is too big for you to put behind you, then that's fine.

Dawndonnaagain · 12/01/2014 18:07

Words do legally constitute an assault. That is the assault part of assault and battery.
Walk away.

Original poster
daiseehope · 12/01/2014 18:11

Thankyou so much to all. I feel the warnings, but I'm scared.

OP posts:
CHJR · 12/01/2014 19:18

Two simple things to ask yourself: has he done anything like this before? And are you afraid he'll do it again? If b but not a, consider relationship counselling. If a and b, consider walking now.

CHJR · 12/01/2014 19:19

Don't forget btw that it is not not not good for your DC to see their father threatening their mother. You have an obligation to protect yourself, but also to protect them.

CoffeeTea103 · 12/01/2014 19:27

Why do you think counseling will not help?

CHJR · 12/01/2014 19:33

I suppose my first question could be split in two: 1, has he a habit of getting drunk; 2 has he been threatening before (about sex or anything else)?
Do you have family you can mention this to? Not just for the sake of hearing their views but also so it's on the record in case of a repeat? I realise there's a risk in discussing marriage with others, because you don't want them remembering and judging if you decide to stay with him.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 12/01/2014 19:34

YANBU. I couldn't relax around someone who'd frightened me like that, let alone cuddle or have sex. (Btw in legal terms he did assault you, it's the threat of violence, no physical contact necessary.)

thegreylady · 12/01/2014 20:01

What do you want to do? Do you want to leave him? Does he behave like this regularly or was this a one off drunken stupidity? Is he truly repentant? How do you feel now a cuddle or sharing a bed?
Do you want to go/throw him out? Would it be better if it were just you and the dc?
Do the previous years excuse one error or has there been behaviour leading up to this? Be sure.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 12/01/2014 21:05

This screams Red Flag in my opinion.

I'm sorry to say it but I wouldn't be surprised if his behavior was to escalate through time if you take him back.

I won't tell you to LTB as it is a decision you have to come to yourself but I do think that you posting on MN for advice regarding this might give you your answer.

Truly, what do you want to do OP?

BrownSauceSandwich · 12/01/2014 22:00

This would actually be my worst nightmare. I'm sure either option looks pretty scary now, but I don't see how you can live with a man you can't trust not to sexually assault you. And you can't trust him, can you? I'd say separate for now... Once you feel safe, you will be able to make better decisions. You might decide to try relationship counselling, in addition to his own counselling, or you might decide that it's beyond repair... Nobody could blame you for that.

Original poster
daiseehope · 13/01/2014 00:04

Thanks. all your opinions are gratefully received. To be honest I don't know what I want. I just needed help with what is and isn't generally accepted as normal. I think I now know. xx

OP posts:
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