to not have a birthday cake at a birthday party?

[kennyp]

DD (aged 12) just got back from a party - dinner at F&B and then sleepover at a friends house. the friend who's party it was had her party yesterday as it's her birthday on tuesday.

birthday girl did not have a birthday cake. nor did anyone sing happy birthday to her, as it's "not her birthday until tuesday".

i rarely have a birthday party on my kids birthdays - (usually have them at the weekend) but i wouldnt dream of not having a cake and singing. am i being a bit precious about this?!?!

YANBU - I would do the same it's the birthday party after all, why only celebrate half of it? But each to there own I guess x

Everyone does it differently but some 12yr olds these days would be mortified at their friends singing happy bday to them and would think themselves too grown up for a cake.

Cake is essential; singing not.

They're 12! How embarrassing to have your friends singing Happy Birthday. It's bad enough being that age and having your family do it let alone at a gathering of friends.

My eldest is 12, she hasn't had a cake at her last couple of parties either.

Last couple of years she's had a couple of friends to the cinema and a sleepover on the weekend closest to her birthday. She has the cake/singing on her actual birthday

she's not the kind of girl to be embarrassed at singing/cake - i once got the whole restaurant to sing HB to my daughter a few years ago and she (DD and the girl who's birthday it is on wednesday) loved it.

i've just never heard of a birthday party with no cake before.

My daughter had a cinema trip for her 10th birthday - we gave out party bags with cake in at the end, although we hadn't done candles and singing there. Surely at 12 they could sing in an embarrassed, ironic way?

One of my friends who was very outgoing and confident hated everyone singing happy birthday and blowing out the candles. She begged me to do it for her and everyone sang happy birthday to me as she insisted one year (I was 8yo), which luckily her parents thought was quite funny.
Strangely as a underconfident and shy child I had no issues with it.

I really don't think it matters! if the birthday girl isn't bothered then no one else should be.

They aren't really children any more at 12, more like young teenagers, all this sort of thing stops around now.

This wouldn't even cross my mind as a potential issue. If a DC had mentioned in passing that they had attended a party with no cake I would barely have registered it.

So it's a YABU from me.

Why would anyone think themselves too old for a birthday cake? Adults have birthday cakes too!

How can anyone ever be too grown up for cake!

kennyp you say she wasn't embarrassed a few years ago - but there's a huge difference between a preteen and a teen in embarrassment quotient!

Don't think we did at DD2's 12 sleepover, it wasn't her birthday and she hates being sang too. Has hidden under the table several times.

there's a huge difference between a preteen and a teen in embarrassment quotient!

Yep, by 14/15 sense returns. 11/12y think everything is

Don't think dd has had a cake since she was about 12.
And certainly no singing happy birthday.

It is strange, but my ds hated and still hates any form of cake, and won't eat it. I do remember feeling cross one year at the amount of effort I wss putting into his cake when I knew he wouldn't eat it. We still always had a cake and singing though!

I think it is perfectly reasonable to either have cake or not
It doesn't matter surely? The parents may have spent quite a bit of money on one for her actual birthday and do not want to spend more.
As a guest I would be grateful for whatever we received.

All families do things very differently!

Was it the birthday girl's preference to have one cake, on her birthday, and no additional cake for the party?

they had F&B vouchers and they all met there so it was a cheap party (per se).

i wouldn't have thought it was the birthday girl's choice not to have birthday cake - as all the friends who go to each others' parties have cake and singing.
i always have a birthday cake on my birthday - the children choose it, i buy it, they do the candles etc etc. wouldn't seem very birthday-ish to me otherwise.

thanks for the replies.

I've obviously spentbtoo longnonMN and ama middle class wally , couldn't work out at first why you'd give a 12 year old Farrow and Ball vouchers....

would not call dinner and a sleepover a "party" just friends getting together to celebrate her birthday for next week.... so no, would not have done cake either - we have cake on her birthday.....

would not have thought it unusual at all - especially as they probably had a nice pud - and a secret sweet stash for midnight munching....

In my office there is a birthday cake kitty so that every body gets a cake & card. We all gather mid morning with a coffee to sing happy birthday & it is great fun!

I would have done a cake for the sleep over as friends gathered specifically to celebrate a birthday & presumably brought her a gift.

I didn't have a cake for DD2's 16th birthday recently. We went out for lunch and the restaurant put a candle in her sticky toffee pudding. We mortified her by singing happy birthday. DD1 didn't get a cake for her 18th or her 21st. They have both survived this obvious parenting fail!

My middle DD has never liked cake, so it was dropped until my eldest got with her BF, who loves cake, he will eat a whole one in one night and is annoyingly skinny.

She also didn't have a 18th cake, because we went out for a meal. We did decorate a polystyrene one, though.

She may have one on her actual Birthday and bring in everyone a piece.

This is the age that you can go with what they want and drop all the money wasting bits that you do because it's expected.