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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re DH and time with the kids?

26 replies

Jemimapuddlemuck · 12/01/2014 04:29

We have 2 DCs aged 3.10 and 9 months. I'm on mat leave at the moment so obviously spend the majority of my time with the kids. I try to do most of the housework when they are in bed but there are things that need doing in the day like changing the beds and hoovering. I do these things on a weekend, the idea being that DH can spend some time with the kids while I do it.

But whenever I leave them with him, he seems to shove DS in front of the TV and the baby in the Jumperoo. I wouldn't mind the TV thing if they were watching it together but today he put DS in the other sitting room on his own, while DH watched a fil

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemimapuddlemuck · 12/01/2014 04:31

Sorry posted too soon...

..while DH watched a film in the lounge.

AIBU to think that he should have spent a bit of time playing with the kids in the one hour a week I ask him to? Do other men seem to avoid spending time with their children like this? I just don't get it.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 12/01/2014 04:40

YANBU. My DH loves spending time with DS. I often work weekends so they have whole days just the two of them!

Buggering off to watch a film isn't parenting. Actually I'd be pissed off with him watching a film whilst ignoring the kids whilst you got on with all the housework!

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 12/01/2014 04:50

My husband wasn't that interested in spending time with the kids til they were 4 or 4 - our youngest is 2 and he still doesn't "do" much with him, but he takes one or both of the older 2 on a short outing most weekends and occassionally arranges something special he wants to do with them, relevant to an interest he has in common with 1 or other of them... and he records or buys films he wants to watch with them or occassionally plays chess with one of them (older kids are 6 and 8). I think he hasn't actually actively wanted to do toddler stuff, but enjoys interacting with them as they become more articulate, self reliant and interesting people, rather than just small children.

On the other hand he wouldn't install himself in a different room for the entire time if in charge of our toddler - he may as well not be in the house at all, given you are still in, just occupied with housework - if he is that disinterested it would mske more sense if he changed the beds and hoovered while you stayed with the kids - maybe suggest that... or get rid of one TV so if its on it is being watched as a family, grown up stuff only when kids are in bed...

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 12/01/2014 04:50
  • 4 or 5
Original poster
Jemimapuddlemuck · 12/01/2014 04:54

He does take DS out places sometimes like cinema and swimming (has never taken the 2 of then out on his own though), and he does do stuff around the house. I asked him to go and sit with DS today and stop watching his film which he did but I just find it odd that he would need to be asked. I would never just think, oh there's a film on sky plus I want to watch, I'll just find something to occupy the kids while I watch it...I would wait until they are in bed.

OP posts:
pricklyPea · 12/01/2014 05:56

Sounds lazy. I would be irritated. Was the baby in the jumperoo while he watched tv?

QueenofLouisiana · 12/01/2014 07:36

Perhaps you could offer to sit and watch TV (drink coffee, eat biscuits) with the children while he hoovers and changes the beds? I think if I suggested that my DH would immediately become a very attentive dad! Grin

Bakerof3pudsxx · 12/01/2014 07:38

My oh perhaps has like an hour a day with the dc

He doesn't have much patience and they stress him out (4&5 year olds can be very silly and the baby cries)

Lottiedoubtie · 12/01/2014 08:14

I am Shock by this thread. Not so much the OP because I know there are some crap dads out there, but the casual acceptance and 'oh yeah mines like that' from everyone else is just terrifying.

Sit him down and have a proper talk to him OP.

Original poster
Jemimapuddlemuck · 12/01/2014 09:32

Thanks for replies. Baby was sitting on her mat playing with her toys. He brought her to me when she started crying Angry then I ended up trying to keep her amused while I tidied up, that's when it occurred to me that he was actually not doing anything at all as DS was parked in front of TV.

Thing is, if I asked him to do the cleaning instead he would, but the kids need time with their dad and vice versa, that's my whole point. They spend all week with me. DD is very clingy and cries when I pass her to him so I think that puts him off, but it's a vicious circle as she needs to bond with him more.

He was much better than this when DS was a baby. Maybe I've just let things slide too much I don't know. Yes I think a proper talk is long overdue.

OP posts:
PicardyThird · 12/01/2014 09:39

Another one amazed at the shrugging acceptance of men not being interested in their kids until they're older. I'm sure a lot of women don't find babies and toddlers endlessly fascinating either Hmm

Is your younger one bf? Could you go out for a few hours or even a whole day and leave your dh with both children, making it clear you expect them to do stuff together/leave the house at some point?

Joysmum · 12/01/2014 09:42

Why not just talk to him. You both need to establish when you get your own down time.

Personally, I had no problems with mostly arranging chores so they were done on weekdays during the day when hubby was at work so that when he got home it was quality family time for us all. I didn't see being a SAHM as me needing to spend every waking moment entertaining the child and the time when hubby was home as being the time when we all got to relax.

I know this isn't a popular view on mumsnet (and there will be shit times where it's not possible every day and there will be some stressful days too) but our reasons for me being a SAHM were as much about freeing up time for quality family time and relaxing, as it was about one of us always doing the child care.

Bakerof3pudsxx · 12/01/2014 09:44

Jemima that is a similar situation with my oh and dd

She screams at him and won't settle in 3 minuets so he gives up

I'm sure if she was more used to him this wouldn't be the case as she's not a clingy baby

ikeaismylocal · 12/01/2014 10:18

I find my dp needs a bit of direction, so I specifically ask him to take ds to the park, or get the brio out or do some baking.

Ds ID 12 months old and dp is on paternity leave for 4 months. I find myself telling dp in the morning which playgroups are open or which relatives have the day off, I have tried not doing this and they don't seem to do anything!

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 12/01/2014 10:29

Another one amazed at the shrugging acceptance of men not being interested in their kids until they're older

And me. It's like there's an assumption that women just automatically know what to do and get on with it but men have to learn poor thing, and we should somehow tolerate them not being bothered.

When I gave birth I knew how I change a nappy as much as my DH, but you know what, we both got on with it. Not just me.

Sometimes I wonder why some blokes chose to have kids.

WilsonFrickett · 12/01/2014 10:31

Do you get any lesiure time op? Time when you are not cleaning the house or looking after the DCs?

ikeaismylocal · 12/01/2014 10:45

My dp is just very focused on results which isn't really the way things work when yiu play with small children.

For example I suggested they make gingerbread ( readymade dough) dp stood over ds basically rolling out the dough, using the cookie cutters and telling ds no no, don't touch, be careful, watch pappa. Ds unsurprisingly wanted to get down and play with his toys after about 3 minutes

I sat down and showed my dp how I'd make gingerbread with ds, we squished the dough in our hands, we smelt the dough, tasted it, patted it, stroked it, I have him a kids knife to cut up the dough, I helped ds roll out the dough, we stood up all the cookie cutters ( they are animals) and I told him the name of the animals, I let ds choose the animal he wanted and I helped him push the cutter down and wiggle it, ds then pulled the dough away from the cutter and he had helped make a gingerbread biscuit instead of just watching me make it.

Dp just doesn't seem to know how to engage children, I have worked with kids I think that helps, but I can remember interacting with kids just seemed to come naturally to me even when I was a teenager.

meganorks · 12/01/2014 10:58

Yanbu. I don't really get that kind of mentality. If he wanted kids then surely he wants to spend some time with them. My dp loves his weekend time with 2 DDs. In fact all manner of diy things that need doing have been neglected because when it gets to the wknd we all wantto spend the time together.

ilovesooty · 12/01/2014 11:06

For all we know he's happy enough to spend time as a family. It appears he doesn't know how to engage with active play.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 12/01/2014 13:26

Its all very well saying "Another one amazed at the shrugging acceptance of men not being interested in their kids until they're older" but I assume the people writing this have husbands/ DPs who were automatically interested in playing with babies and todders when they were born - in all honesty the comment comes accross as smug.

Saying "my DP/ DH is great with small kids - if yours isn't, you are a lesser person and should sort your situation out and make it like the one I was lucky enough to fall into" is smug and judgemental.

What if a woman posted that her husband always wanted to be a SAHD, and he is, and she works, and although she loves her kids dearly and loves spending her time as a family, with DH and the kids, she doesn't really enjoy playing with the younger ones 1:1 - but is really starting to enjoy her 5 year old now she is a real independent character... etc. etc. etc. Should that woman also have a word and get over herself... The trait is not gender specific, but some humans want children, and when they think of children they actually want a baby, with no real thought given to the stroppy toddler/ 8 year old/ teen ... likewise other people want children and are actually looking forward to the school age child, with the baby and toddler phase the price you pay to get there...

Not everyone engages naturally with small children. How can people say that if you are married to somebody who doesn't you are an idiot and should force them to do it... Nobody is saying the DPs involved don't do their share of housework or childcare, just that they find it hard to actively play with very small children, so what is wrong with acknowleding that this is fairly common Hmm

januarysunsetfire · 12/01/2014 13:34

Absolutely, MrTumbles

I also agree with Joysmum's stance here. I can't help but think that the sensible thing to try and do would be to try and get housework done in the week as it leaves time for active and family based things at weekends, I am not much of a cook or baker and can imagine it being, bluntly, boring with a small child Grin

But things like nature walks, swimming, cycling, visits to zoos, farms, parks, museums are surely fun things the whole family can do?

cory · 12/01/2014 18:39

I don't think it's smug and judgmental- it's more about recognising that most women don't come equipped with an inborn active-child programme either: they've had to work at it and the reason they've stuck at it is because it's expected of them.

I felt pretty panicky when dd cried in the early weeks and I didn't know how to soothe her but nobody suggested I could leave off taking an interest in her until she was older. When they were toddlers I often thought I would expire from boredoom and frustration. As a mother you just grit your teeth and muddle through. And ime men who come from families where hands-on childcare is expected of men will do the same even if they have zero personal experience of babies.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 12/01/2014 18:42

Exactly Cory. So many people ask about if the Dad is 'hands on'. No-one ever asks if the Mum is.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 12/01/2014 18:43

Id be pissed off. It is perfectly possible to have a film on and still do some colouring, jigsaws etc. If he wanted to give the film 100% attention,.he should have waited til he had no other responsibilities.

cory · 12/01/2014 18:50

If I had decided to walk away and not engage with my dc until they became of school age, how many posters would have shrugged their shoulders and said "oh well, don't let's be smug and judgmental, lots of mums just aren't that interested in small children"?