to ask you how to support my grief stricken mum?

[Impatientwino]

Right, sorry for the misplaced thread but blatantly posting for traffic. Hope that's ok.

My lovely DM decided to move her own DM in around 8 years ago and has been her sole carer for all that time.

My grandma was already 90 when she came to live with my DM and DF and has been deteriorating since June, has been and out of hospital, caught pneumonia, cleared the infection surprising all the doctors and finally died at Christmas aged 98. She was an amazing person. Her funeral was yesterday and bam, my DM is now totally floored. She is completely mentally and physically exhausted. As I would expect she had been hanging on for months now keeping it together until the funeral but has now just taken to her bed, no energy, exhausted etc

I knew it would happen but I just wondered if anyone else out there has been through something similar and could suggest how I help my DM as she currently feels like she has no purpose, no commitments etc- her life for the last 8 years has been about my grandma and because grandma was at a stage in her life where she required 24 hour care DM hasn't been away in years, has never put herself first or done what she wants to do.

I don't want to rush my mum into anything so wondered if someone has been in DMs position and could offer advice of what to do and what not to do. I think if I offer holiday brochures and talk about freedom she would be upset so am trying to be a bit sensitive.

Thanks for reading, I know it's a bit long ð??·ð??·

You know your own mum best, but when it was mine in similar circumstances she needed to feel needed iykwim.
She got more involved in looking after / ferrying about her GC.
Gave her a purpose, maybe?
Me and my sister just asked for babysitting or helping out more with family stuff and it seemed to bring her out of herself.

Sorry for your loss.

you mentioned DF in first post how is he feeling how is he with DM and her grief, my mum fell apart a bit when my grandma died partly grief but mostly just shattered as had been running on adrenalin for months as your Dm probably has been as she was needed my her own Dm but now that is not needed she is simply physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted and she now no longer has to force herself to keep going the day after funeral so she doesn't in my experience it will need 2-3 weeks of just sleeping etc also her own health may not be so good as many carers neglect themselves a bit so a trip to GP in a few weeks fr a check up maybe in order but it may take months to recover from the strain of 8 years of caring

Thank you ladies of MN - you are all so thoughtful and good to give your time to others. I'm off to bed now as I've been up since 6 as I have a 18 mo baby who hates sleep will check back in the morning and reply - thank you all xxx

Not quite the same but my grandma looked after my grandad for years and it was exhausting (he had dementia). When he finally went into a home she slept for days, her blood pressure plummeted, she didn't want to eat, and she seemed quite ill. Once she'd accepted that life was going to keep going, and her body had finished that bit of the healing process, she was much happier and more ready to consider the future.

Time will hopefully help.

Give her time. Engineer things sometimes so that your baby is out and you are in - create quiet spaces where you can talk. Let her know she's needed - one way is by talking about your own grief. Tell her you miss your GM, for eg.

It will take a lot of time. For most of us when people die we take comfort in 'getting back to normal'. We carry on with our routines. But when you've been a ft carer your normal has gone, so it's really hard.

I'm sorry for your family's loss.