...to wish I could be reasonable with my ex but I just can't help it...

[Punkatheart]

He left us a long time ago and I have had a mega amount to deal with since then. Now grappling with my daughter's serious depression. She has lost her college place, sits at home crying, often doesn't wash. Has insomnia and violent, sweat-drenched nightmares. It is grim. We have a shrink, therapist and now she has to go for some tests on her uterus - she is not menstruating and her hormones are all over the place.

Her father (who has been told the ongoing problems and NEVER asks about her) continues to ask us to sell the house and today sent a message 'I hope you and punkatheart junior has a good Christmas' which was followed by asking about selling the house. He spoke about us as if we were casual acquaintances, not someone he had been with for twenty years and his daughter.

His daughter wants nothing to do with him, although I have tried in the past to get them together.

I know that he wants to move on with his life but I am having to bloody cope with cancer (mine) and can barely get out of bed when I am poorly. I am putting off radiotherapy that is scheduled because my daughter is ill. So when he sends his casual emails, I want to throttle him. It gets me so angry. I have had two years of hell and he gets a well-paid job in the film industry, a new life and a future.

I am angry today but almost too tired to cope with being angry. I know that I must sell the house it's just that I lack the energy to be reasonable. Can I froth at the mouth inside and make voodoo dolls instead, pretend that I am swimming in the ocean, not in pain and then more pain watching my daughter suffer?

Sorry for the self-pitying bloody rant. I feel as if I want to kill him and that is horrible nasty thing.

I would like something wonderful and nice to happen and then I can go back to being supportive to friends, kind and happy. I feel as if I might crack.

I don't have any real advice but didn't want to read and run. Sorry you are having such a crap time of it, and you sound far from unreasonable!

Please don't put your medical care off though - for both your and you daughter's sake

I remember an earlier thread of yours, about the horrible, unsupportive friends.

I hope you've now dumped them and it can feel like you have squared one problem away and can turn your ex back again (as you have many times before).

Pace yourself: you can deal with these things as they come, but don't try to do too much anticipating, or you will feel clotted eith problems. Triage.

Keep coming back to MN, too: it will make you feel like a real person to be acknowledged and even recognised, and you'll be able to have distracting interactions that remind you that your life and past aren't just about the horrible situation you're in today. Offering tour own support and acknowledgement to other posters are a small way of offwring that compassion you seem to need to give, without upsetting your fragile state.

Firstly, please don't put off your medical care.

Secondly, ignore him. He is valueless. He's not a proper human person at all really is he? I've seen some of your threads. Jobs in the film industry? Who cares - does it really make up for having to be him? Having to live inside a mind which really does not register the kind of entity he is, how black, how nothing, how all-things-bad he is? What he's done to his daughter is inhumane, and to you too. Nobody in their right mind would want to be him.

The best thing you could do is to try and see him as a non-human: a thing. He is like your cancer - something bad which you are in the process of dealing with, but something which even when it may seem to be 'on top' - you'd in no way want to be that thing.

Thirdly, practicalities - do you have to sell the house? If he;s pushing something you don't want - fuck him!

Get your treatment without delay.

Ignore ex.

Look after yourself.

Job done :)

You all have such clear heads. I feel so befuddled - yes, that's the word. Worse than that, my sense of humour disappears. I have a dark sense of humour and it has kept me afloat.

Yes, eventually I do have to sell the house and there will not be enough with my half left to buy another home. I get a bit panicked thinking about it.

I think that is fascinating to consider him like cancer - an unwanted thing that nevertheless has to be dealt with. What a brilliant analogy.

Thank you for being there. Will pace myself, dance in the moonlight in my head instead of sitting in the shadows.

You feel befuddled only because you're beset by problems. Keep using MN for a perspective outside of yourself, and you will imbibe some of our so-called "clear headedness".

I have no advice I am afraid but do not think you should put off your radiotherapy. You can't cope with anything if you are unwell. Your ex sounds like a real shit...
Wishing you a better time soon

I agree with everyone else that your treatment has to be top of the list. I'm sure your daughter would agree with this.She needs you to be as well as you can be.

Your ex sounds awful but you need to focus your energy on recovery not resentment, I know it's easier said than done! Is there anyone else in your life who can support you and your DD at this difficult time? Please don't delay your treatment. Have your heard of the phrase "put your own oxygen mask on first" by taking care of yourself, you can be there for others.

Start your treatment ASAP.

Hope life picks up for you and your DD.

Thank you.

Last year he was pictured in a newspaper with some of the royal family. It was his daughter's birthday on the same day. No card. No call. She was 16.

Priorities in life are so important. Getting my daughter right is mine and he can go hang, to be honest.

I am so sorry you're having to plough through all this.

I've never had to deal with such an awful pile of problems all at once, but when I feel overwhelmed I find it helps to do the things i have to do, the 'no-choice' ones - tax returns, hospital appts, work deadlines, for instance. This gives me permission in my head not to feel bad about pushing other tasks - returning non-essential emails, cleaning the house - further down the list, to such time as I can tackle them with a clear mind.

Your immediate priorities are to get your cancer treated, and to take care of your daughter. Everything else can wait until those two things are settled, and you must not feel bad about it. Being proactive about your radiotherapy sets a brilliant example to your DD, apart from anything else, and she needs you to be fit and strong. Hating your ex is a waste of your energy, though I can see why he's a useful channel for your feelings of despair. As others have said, he still has to live with being himself, and let's face it, a 'well-paid job in the film industry' isn't a guarantee of much tomorrow - if it was so well-paid, he'd hardly be pressuring a woman fighting cancer to sell her house, would he?

Plough is an excellent word, Stephen. After ploughing too comes seeds in a fertile soil and I am hoping that is indeed the future.

All good points.

My daughter has been very very ill with her depression this week. It has been hard. But I intend to get her some incentives for next week.

My ex did call up on Christmas Day and leave a message and he sounded very lost and sad. But he has made a new life and his daughter has chosen to omit him from her life. I would really like a great new life now.

I'm afraid that my radiotherapy is only a cosmetic thing for lesions - my illness is incurable. It's shit, really but there are people out there who have shittier things to deal with. I have to go onwards and upwards.

Thank you all. I fell asleep and had a sad dream - that my ex was asleep next to me on the sofa. I had to wake him up and say 'Go home now - you don't live here any more.'

Says it all, really.

But you said it and, presumably, he went!

True.

Bloody hell I feel rough today - all shivery and sick from my chemo shot last night. Daughter is out tonight so time to have a secret cry, a naughty glass of wine (I'm so rock and roll). I also used the time to defumigate my daughter's bedroom. It wore me out but hey, it's an achievement.

I do hate him. I'm sorry but it keeps on coming back to me.

But I will be OK and as one of my lovely neighbour said to me recently, you are not a pushover.

Anyone else feel that they have a responsibility to show their daughter that they are strong and able to achieve, despite obstacles?

So so tough. You sound very strong even if you don't feel it. And not so befuddled that you haven't got a clear sense that your daughter is the priority. And of course YANBU.