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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my house is not a hotel?

25 replies

splasheeny · 10/01/2014 19:06

FIL is staying with us as he has nowhere else to.

He doesn't pay anything towards bill or food, and I'm not even expecting that. The way he treats our house is annoying me. Dh thinks I am BU.

He will come for dinner, won't help make it or tidy up, then will go out. He won't say when he will be back even when asked. When I called to ask at 11pm if he will be back soon as we were going to bed shortly he said he didn't know. He expects us to just let him in any time day or night which disturbs my sleep.

He also spends every second in our house either on the computer or eating. He eats a lot of food (abnormal amount) and opened a Xmas present I was given of posh biscuits and ate most of them without asking me. He also refuses to join in any family activities.

He was meant to be over tonight, so I cooked dinner for him (a huge amount of food knowing his eating habits). He didn't turn up, I call him and he's gone to a restaurant. Could have bleedin told me! Grrrr. Now a I have a truckload of uneaten dinner and am feeling rather annoyed.

I feel like I have a teenager in the house.

OP posts:
tenementfunster · 10/01/2014 19:09

Can't you give him a key? One prob solved, but you may need to tell him what he needs to do to earn his keep

DameDeepRedBetty · 10/01/2014 19:10

Your DH can be entitled to an opinion about his father's behaviour when he is the one opening doors at midnight, paying for and cooking his dad's food, cleaning up his mess, buying replacements for stuff he's stolen (YOUR biscuits) etc etc.

Tell DH it's his dad or you, his choice. And I'm not joking.

bigTillyMint · 10/01/2014 19:10

He sounds very thoughtless.

Could you give him a key, then at least you wouldn't have to stay up for him?

ihatethecold · 10/01/2014 19:11

How disrespectful
You're DH should be having words

Sneezecakesmum · 10/01/2014 19:12
Shock

Amazingly unreasonable of him. Freeze his dinner and give it to him next time.

I can't believe your DH thinks this is ok. It's worse than a teenager as at least you usually gave birth to them!

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2014 19:13

Is this kind of behaviour the reason he has nowhere else to go?

Original poster
splasheeny · 10/01/2014 19:17

We don't have a spare key and don't know when he will be back which is why we don't give him one (ie it may be a couple of days).

I hate wasting food, but it has spoiled a bit. I will try and put it in the fridge but don't know if it will fit: it is a lot of food!

Terry that is quite likely the case.

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 10/01/2014 19:19

Maybe he thinks that by making himself scarce and coming home late he is giving you some privacy?

He is rather treating it like a hotel and absolutely should offer to help. If its long term I think he should even offer some financial input for his board. I hope you are not doing his laundry/ironing too!

Why has he nowhere else to go? How long are you expected to put up with this? because if it is not sorted you will seethe and it will all be a lot messier when you do blow your top.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 10/01/2014 19:20

This reply has been deleted

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ProfPlumSpeaking · 10/01/2014 19:23

Sounds awful but can"t you get some more keys cut?

Also, can you work on a teen basis: if you don't have advance notice, then you assume he won't be there for the meal and you don't cook for him. He will soon learn to let you know, and if he doesn't then he can't really mind.

Original poster
splasheeny · 10/01/2014 19:32

I'm hoping this will be a very short term thing, but can see that it may last longer.

Giving him keys may send the wrong message re the duration of this arrangement!

He is able to help out antlers. No income.

Prof I do like your suggestion.

OP posts:
Bloodyteenagers · 10/01/2014 19:38

Why are you running around after him?
Shouldn't really be your problem. Your dh thinks everything is fine, well then, let him deal with his dad. You shouldn't be expected to cater to all his fathers needs, it should be down to your dh with you occasionally, when you can be bothered to, helping out.

Original poster
splasheeny · 10/01/2014 23:13

He peed on the toilet seat! Angry

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2014 23:17

Have you dead-lined DH at least? At least if you know when he has to be out, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My suspicion is that he will get comfortable and not leave. Sorry. Make DH clean up piss.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/01/2014 23:24

"FIL is staying with us as he has nowhere else to."

"We don't have a spare key and don't know when he will be back which is why we don't give him one (ie it may be a couple of days )."

To me, that sounds like he DOES have somewhere else to go - because he goes there for a couple of days at a time.

OP, in your shoes I would

  1. not give him a key - too likely to make him feel entitled to stay as long as he wants
  2. stop cooking for him - he can shop/cook/bring his own takeaway with him
  3. tell him the door will be locked at x o'clock, if he's not in by then he can go to wherever he goes when he doesn't come back for a couple of days

The fact that your DH doesn't see the problem - is there a backstory? Your FIL's behaviour is strange, has it always been like that and your DH was trained from birth not to question it?

Original poster
splasheeny · 10/01/2014 23:34

Terry no but I'm working up to it!

Where you left it, I totally get what your saying. The difficulty is on one hand he is telling us he has nowhere else to stay, then on the other he keeps on coming and going at weird times. He won't say where he goes. It is a really weird situation!!

There is a long backstory, fil is a bit of a manchild. Lots I could say about him, but his lifestyle is his choice, and not any of my business. When it affects me like this though it does piss me off!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 11/01/2014 12:13

TBH I'd be more inclined to describe him as a user than a manchild. He comes to his son's house purely to sponge - food, internet access, a bed etc. He offers nothing - no financial contribution to the costs he's incurring, no chores, no information on what he's doing, and by the sound of it he doesn't even offer any company! That must be one hell of a backstory for your husband to find this situation tolerable, let alone reasonable.

Enough is enough. Give him an end date by which you expect him to have sorted himself out; because otherwise, this 'arrangement' will run and run Sad. He should be taking steps to find himself a new roof over his head, not just blagging of his son and his son's wife. Obviously you need to get your DH onboard with this, but surely he must see that it is in his father's best interest to get a fucking grip himself back on his feet and independent?

squeakytoy · 11/01/2014 12:28

Even hotels let their guests have a key..

They exercise portion control too.

Don't feed him huge meals, and get a key cut.

wowfudge · 11/01/2014 12:34

WhereYouLeftIt has it right IMO. Why pander to him when it just encourages his poor behaviour? I wouldn't go out of my way to cook him huge portions. It'll be less appealing to him surely if he isn't getting special treatment.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 11/01/2014 12:42

Food in fridge, so what if it has spoiled a bit. Heat it up for the next meal. I'd also cut back on the huge portions.

And I'd get DH to do most of the extra work resulting in having him.

mameulah · 11/01/2014 12:43

Get rid of him?

I absolutely could not ever put up with that indefinitely.

Birdsgottafly · 11/01/2014 13:24

He can be "a man child" in other peoples homes, in yours you are entitled to put boundaries in place.

Part if these problems I see on MN, is the concept if "hosting", which don't apply to family, IMO.

That means that everyone pitches in and no obebowrson is responsible for feeding said family member, unless incapable.

Your DH can have him stay, but that doesn't mean he has full privileges whilst staying, he isn't one if your respective DC's.

You need to establish how long this is needed for and how it will continue.

Note, I said "have him stay", not move in, unless it a a disabled/Ill relative, no-one is under the obligation to have them move in and even that does not make one person responsible for any if their care.

ENormaSnob · 11/01/2014 14:22

Sponging twat

ipswichwitch · 11/01/2014 14:29

He obviously does have somewhere else to go and that's wherever he disappears off to. He's probably treating them the same way so alternates between you in the hope neither of you get sick of him and turf him out!

Thing is, the more you put up with this the more he will take the piss. I understand you not wanting to give him a key so rather than asking hen he'll be back, tell him you are going to bed at x time and if he's not back by then to go to wherever he takes himself off to.

Don't cook extra for him - give him what you eat (and same portion size), if he don't like it he can go elsewhere. Frankly if he insists in behaving like a big child then treat him like one.

Original poster
splasheeny · 11/01/2014 22:32

I agree with what everyone is saying.

I will try and make smaller portions but the difficulty is that he then eats everything in the cupboards. You could feed a family with what he eats easily.

I have spoken to dh about it, and fil has started helping out a bit. End is hopefully in sight. fingers crossed

OP posts:
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