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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disappointed that I have to spend another night by myself?

25 replies

Cleorapter · 10/01/2014 17:35

I've just had a (seemingly recurring) argument with my DP about tonight. He works shifts and one week will work the early shift which is 6am-2pm, and the next week the late shift which is 1.30-9.30, it's an hour commute and he tends to do a lot of overtime too. Friday's he works half days and as he was on late shifts this week I was looking forward to having some help with our 14month old DD tonight, she is very high maintainance at the moment, and as a SAHM, I'm finding it very draining. I get little to no time to myself currently.

My DP has form for having a lot of free time for his hobbies/seeing people etc we had a huge argument a couple of weeks ago as he picked up his son from a previous relationship, dropped him off to me and went out for the entire day and night without telling me that was his intention. I'm always stuck home watching the children. Sorry if this is long I just don't want to drip feed.

Today he messaged me saying after work he was going to see his sister, then his dad and then go to see his friend. I just responded with an 'ok' but he pushed me asking why I was being abrupt I told him I was disappointed that I had to spend another night by myself (he wouldn't be back til late) he told me I was being unreasonable, and I 'always' get upset when he goes out. This isn't actually true. I only get annoyed when he takes the piss, but I guess he's entitled to his opinion.

I understand he wants his free time, but I've been stuck at home with the baby all week and it's driving me mad. I need a break and I was so looking forward to having some help tonight. He said he will see me all weekend so it doesn't matter what he does tonight, but my point is I've been alone all week with the baby, and I'm allowed to be disappointed that I have to have yet another night by myself? I haven't stopped him from going btw, so he's essentially pissed off at me because I dared to be disappointed about it? AIBU?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2014 17:41

I think you need to sit down with him and agree some ground rules you can both live with. What is most annoying to you? The lack of notice, the disregard for your time, the disregard for your feelings, the assumption you will pick up the slack for his parenting, the absence of company, the lack of shared parenting? Work out what will work and suggest some changes.

FWIW, I understand both people needing a break, I don't understand people who think it's OK to waltz off assuming someone else will pick up the slack. i can't walk out of the house without checking if DH is parenting, why can your DH? Especially with DSS.

Finola1step · 10/01/2014 17:46

No YANBU.

But he is also NBU in wanting to see family and friends. They issue here for me would be the unfairness in time to do your own thing.

So, I would text back with "hope you have a good time tonight. I have arranged to meet up with so and so tomorrow night. Will confirm timings with you in the morning. Night night." And do it. Arrange to see a friend tomorrow even if it is a couple of glasses of wine at her place.

Do not then over organise everything to make tomorrow evening easier for him. He is also the equal parent. If you don't want to do the evening, do something in the day.

If you can't make arrangements with friends, go swimming on your own. Go for a walk and coffee and cake. Anything.

FWIW, the looking after DPs dc during his visitation all day and night on your own is seriously taking the piss. His child has the right to contact with his father, not with you.

Finola1step · 10/01/2014 17:49

No YANBU.

But he is also NBU in wanting to see family and friends. They issue here for me would be the unfairness in time to do your own thing.

Do not then over organise everything to make tomorrow evening easier for him. He is also the equal parent. If you don't want to do the evening, do something in the day.

If you can't make arrangements with friends, go swimming on your own. Go for a walk and coffee and cake. Anything.

FWIW, the looking after DPs dc during his visitation all day and night on your own is seriously taking the piss. His child has the right to contact with his father, not with you.

Finola1step · 10/01/2014 17:50

Oops. Not sure why the double post.

CaptainSweatPants · 10/01/2014 17:50

Yes you need to start going out yourself
If not in the evening tomorrow go shopping, read a book in a cafe
Make him look after the toddler on his own

wontletmesignin · 10/01/2014 18:01

No yanbu in wanting some free time yourself

Andanotherthing123 · 10/01/2014 18:01

YANBU-he needs to run though his plans with you not spring them on you at the last minute. Sadly though, his past action of dropping off his son with you and buggering off for the day is indicative you have a bit of work to do to make him see that he needs to compromise and you need support too.

maddening · 10/01/2014 18:08

Maybe you need to lay it all down on a calendar to show what free time is available and divvy it up to balance time for each of you and time as a family - perhaps seeing all his free time currently versus what time you have as a family and the lack of time you have will show him how little you have - I reckon he sees your time at home as free time wrongly.

BackforGood · 10/01/2014 18:25

How have you been 'stuck at home on your own with the baby all week', if he's not been leaving for work until 12.30 each day ? (You say he was on the late shift, which starts at 1.30 and there's an hour's commute). Surely that means the possibility of a whole week of half days if you wanted some child free time ?
Don't get me wrong, I think each of you should respect the other enough to give notice / consult with each other in advance if one of you wants to spend time away from your little one, but I don't think that means either of you should 'not go' somewhere that you want to.
This is about communicating, rather than him going to see his family and friend, surely. Why don't you go as a family to see his Dad ? Wouldn't he like to see his grandchild ?

StraightLineOfResignation · 10/01/2014 18:32

I think the part about you basically looking after DSS all weekend is shameful, I would refuse with a 14 month old, I'm there with mine atm 14 month olds are hell

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/01/2014 18:42

Shift work is brutal but no wonder you feel unsupported if DP treats home more like a crashpad.

DD is at the age when she is going to seem high maintenance but your use of this phrase made me wonder, has DP ever used that about you or implied you are nagging?

I agree with pp pity he wasn't going to collect DD and take her to visit her grandfather or aunt, depending on when he was finishing work.

Have you discussed a CM or nursery if you fancy a break or want to work part-time, after all the extra overtime he works could go towards that.

Original poster

Cleorapter · 10/01/2014 18:57

Thank you all for replying!

Backforgood he goes in early for overtime most days, and takes his sweet time getting ready in the mornings (like spending an hour in the bath!) so the morning is gone before we know it. I also have an 8 year old DD who's school is two miles away(takes 45 minutes to get there by 2 buses) so factoring in the time for that too, doesn't leave much at all.

I told him to take our toddler to see his dad and friend but he refused as his friend lives with his mum and has a big dog. That was his excuse anyway. Part of me thinks he just wanted to go there to play computer games. Which is fine, but yeah you're all right. It's really unfair ATM. I may have to disappear for a few hours tomorrow if I can find someone who would like my company

No he hasn't used the words high maintenance to describe me, difficult, unreasonable, but not high maintenance.

I know shift work is brutal, I used to do it myself, ironically enough I would give anything to get back to work ATM, it seemed a lot easier back then! 14 month olds are bloody difficult, I think I forgot as there's a 7 year gap between my girls!

OP posts:

StraightLineOfResignation · 10/01/2014 19:04

Yup, I have a 4 and 14 month, when my youngest is being babysat I barely know the eldest is there.

petalsandstars · 10/01/2014 19:10

If he's anything like my DH the routine will go something like

9.30 finish
10.30 home
11.00 snack and tv
00.30 bed
09.00 awake and breakfast
10.00 shower
10.30 mooch about - (look after kids while I do a few house jobs)
12.00 get ready for work

So not much time to do anything else

petalsandstars · 10/01/2014 19:12

Oh and I work shifts too. Rotating over 24hrs.

Shifts are easier than looking after a toddler.

Original poster

Cleorapter · 10/01/2014 19:14

petals you are spot on!

OP posts:

RoseRedder · 10/01/2014 19:26

i think this sounds unfair and UANBU.

It's worth sitting down and explaining we this is unfair.

You could have gone with him to visit his sister/dad too..if he'd invited you, which he should have done.

Is he actively trying to avoid being at home and dealing with you and your children?

Original poster

Cleorapter · 10/01/2014 19:35

No, we visit his family quite often, it's just his sister, dad and friend live in a different town to us and close together so it was more of a three birds, one stone scenario, and tbh I think he really just wanted to see his friend and play silly computer games

OP posts:

RoseRedder · 10/01/2014 19:45

could you arrange a day/night out over the next few days then?

What ever way it's painted, he is being selfish

Original poster

Cleorapter · 10/01/2014 19:52

Well, it seems his conscience has got the better of him. He's coming home now with some dinner for me. I'm definitely going to have to have a long chat with him. And I'm meeting a friend for coffee tomorrow without the kids so thank you mumsnet!

OP posts:

Bluecarrot · 10/01/2014 19:53

Not really addressing the issue with your DP
But make sure you get out of the house plenty with your dd. Toys groups etc really help break up the week and can help you feel it's not all about your dc.

At around that age I used to go to the local museums or whatever, and time it so she has her afternoon nap while we were there so I could look about at my own pace (rather than chase her about it!) sometimes I just went for a long walk with a friend and dd in buggy )over nap time again)

Anomaly · 10/01/2014 19:56

You going out isn't going to solve it. Somehow you need him to see your point of view. It took my DH a while and a lot of arguments before he actually understood. With hindsight I wish we had gone to some kind of mediation rather than argue like we did. I think the fact he dropped DSS off with you and then left speaks volumes about him. Does he actually consider himself to be a good parent?

Grumbliest · 10/01/2014 20:12

This is me too..my DH works those shifts too OP but then also does overtime, working 12 hour shifts.. 9 till 9, 6 till 6 and then on weekends too. So understandably exhausted but I'm a SAHM to 2 DS (DS2 is 16 months and on his pulling hair biting phase) and do feel isolated and really crave my own space..not sure what to do either but am just planning to get on with baby groups, walks into town.. But if your DH has time he should spend it with you..he sounds too much of a busy bee

Original poster

Cleorapter · 10/01/2014 20:27

We've argued a lot about this. After the stepson episode (for which he eventually apologised after a lot of very heated exchanges) I thought he would be better, which I guess by him coming home early means he has. He's been sucking up big time.

I feel very isolated too grumbliest it sucks.

OP posts:

petalsandstars · 11/01/2014 13:29

I tend to not let him stay in bed when I have things to do tbh. I will say the day before though, you need to get to bed earlier as I'm doing x or going y and not taking the toddler so you'll have her.

And after he should have had a reasonable amount of sleep I wake him up.

I am surviving on 6hrs broken with a bf baby, so he gets short shrift if he moans about tired.

But my above example happens if I leave him to organise himself.

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