To think DH is a selfish prat?

[sixtypercentfringe]

DH and I have been married for five years, together for seven. We have two DC's together 5 and 3, he has been unemployed for six months and I am self employed. We don't earn a lot but with tax credits we get by.

DH got a call this morning from an agency offering him a weeks work 200 miles away starting this Sunday that earns minimum wage with no guarantee of further work. He's taken it and told me about it after. We have been having some relationship problems due to trust, my anxiety and my recent diagnosis of Lupus so I was upset.

What bothers me is that he's not applied for all the jobs he's qualified for in our area and slightly further afield despite people alerting him to the jobs. He won't take the test for a CSCS card again after he failed the last time as "labouring jobs aren't stable" and he waits for things to drop in his lap. I work all the time trying to get new business and working for clients to make ends meet but he's too lazy and then takes an unstable weeks worth of work away for 6 days.

We've just started counselling together and he'll miss that and while my medication is new I'm having awful exhaustion and side effects that I'm worried about overnight. If he got a job I'd be over the moon but I feel like a weeks worth of work with all of our issues isn't worth it and he should be applying for more locally not saying he can't be bothered or that he'll do it later.

I might be being unreasonable but I'm a bit upset and need to be told what's what.

But it's work, it's money. He might make useful contacts he might get further work.

Makes more sense to me for him to go for it than not in your situation.

do you not want him to go because you don't trust him being away from home?

That's one of the reasons, yes. He's not a cheater and to my knowledge has never cheated on me but he's lied to my face about seemingly silly things, taken drugs twice etc in the last year and at this point where we were starting to plateau and work on things I'm building up the trust.

It will also affect his JSA and after food etc down there he'll only bring back £80 by his calculations. I feel a little hard done by right now which is a bit unreasonable. I work a lot of hours to make ends meet and he can't even be bothered to apply for jobs but will happily take the first thing that lands in his lap despite any consequences.

with work comes a whole other set of benefits, raised confidence, being in a social environment, making contacts, access to further employment

but crucially, he will have more recent employment to put on his CV

It might not be profitable, but I think it is the right thing

I understand all the good things, I really do. I'm annoyed that he says he's desperate to work but clearly isn't. There are jobs posted every day that he could apply for from ground workers to call centres and warehouse operatives but he never applies for them and says we'll be fine when I struggle to pay our rent. Surely those benefits would be beneficial all the same if he actually applied for jobs?

I'm not stopping him from going, just to put that here now. I'm just looking for validation that my upset is not unreasonable.

No, you're not unreasonable to be upset.

But he's not being unreasonable to want to do it, although he certainly should have discussed it with you first. And it may be a good kick-start for him - it may get him back into the mindset for work so he gets his act together when he gets back. Job-hunting can be so soul-destroying that you lose all confidence, which is probably why he's not applying for good jobs but will take the shit one that drops in his lap - this may be the confidence-booster he needs.

Have Lupus, I was diagnosed six years age, I now feel relatively well.

I was exhausted for about three years, though, it isn't like being tired so YANBU to feel that he isn't supporting you enough.

The issue is, him not looking thoroughly even in your area and not being pro active enough.

You need to talk about things more honestly and try to see this opportunity as a step forward, but things need to change, him having work may bring about the change, as well as addressing the issues.

I hope so. I don't want to be the person who tries to control his choices but I feel really terrible about it. It feels like I do so much just to be left at the drop of a hat for the chance of £80 when he doesn't help himself any other time.