to have cried at work today

[fromparistoberlin]

urgghhhh, I hate crying at work, hate it. But unfortunately, when you have to cry...it comes out

I am a manager, and we had 4 days of very intensive workshops. well I say I am manager but they have reformed management team and have excluded me which has not been super for my self esteem

anyway we had to do an exercise and share "what are the unspeakables" within our firm

anyway someone basically said that my department are "shitty" and other such terms, as did another person

I sat in meeting room, and just felt myself welling up. there was truth, but hearing in front of the company was....hurtful. I felt like I had been stabbed, and could not retaliate

we do need to improve in some areas, but actually we work hard and do produce results. we need some help and training for our weaker areas.

so fucked off!

anyway, i cried in front of my whole company and I look like a twat :-(

That's awful, was anyone sympathetic or kind to you when they saw the tears? Poor you

Ouch! In what parallel universe is that supposed to be a productive way to resolve any issues?

Sorry you had such a rubbish day.

Maybe it's time for you to look for another job where people are a bit kinder to each other?

that's rotten. can you speak to your immediate boss regarding being excluded from the new team. that's very off to not keep you in the loop. you need to dust yourself off, take control and sort it, whether it ends in a good or bad way. I dont mean to be harsh but work is tough regardless - feeling like shit makes it impossible. look after yourself and your esteem.

That is awful.
Did anyone have any postive ideas to improve the 'shitty' depart?

Why is it 'shitty'?

Hope you feel better by tomorrow.

Yes, how did people respond to you? What did the facilitator do?

Crying is not a shameful thing, don't beat yourself up

What a crap and outdated idea of how to improve things. Sounds like it was thought up by a wanker with too much power.
Next time, laugh in their faces.
V pissed off for you.

It sounds like a badly run event if it demoralises anybody. Criticism should always be constructive in my opinion. I would document all of this very carefully as you may decide it warrants a complaint when you have had time to think

I hope you feel better about things soon

The way they have handled the whole thing sounds unprofessional. I imagine the "unspeakables" exercise was designed to identify things people feel they can't say at work, such as asking for help in such an unsupportive environment! Not to target one particular team. The use of terms like "shitty" is particularly wrong. This was destructive not constructive criticism. Try being proactive by asking your boss to define your role and responsibilities if you are no longer part of the management team and also asking for constructive suggestions on improving your department. You could also present examples of the results your team has produced.

thanks everyone, really appreciate it
still a bit reeling to be honest

drbonnieblossman, yes work is always tough so need to be resiliant and plough on regardless

I'd approach your boss with the concrete areas that were pointed out as not satisfactory and a list of actions you plan to take for improvement. I wouldn't get into defending myself per se, just show that you can turn it around. Also, I'd be considering moving jobs if my boss wasn't being supportive and the situation didn't improve in a few months, life's too short to suck it up every day

Oh I really wept at work a few months ago, my boss was really, really rude and shouting at me. I just broke down and blubbed, so much so that the tears were actually dripping onto my t shirt. It was awful. Sorry no help but I hugely empathise.

Yes, I've done this before. Could you find a job with nicer people?

Why are you not a manager anymore? Are they bullying you?

I sympathise, it's awful hearing your department criticised so rudely. They were unprofessional and the entire exercise sounds ill-conceived and upsetting.

However, crying at work is never a good move, so perhaps you might ask if they can support you in some training it counselling that will help you get some perspective and learn techniques to manage and deal with constructive criticism.

I blubbed quietly a few weeks ago, luckily no one saw. I blubbed lots yesterday.

Having read your op again i must admit I am a bit surprised.

" I felt like I had been stabbed, and could not retaliate"

Is retaliating your 'go-to' method to deal with criticism? Is there a chance that you yourself might come across as overly tough and critical but hate to 'take it on the chin' when it comes your way? I am only asking because I used to be like that and was for ever surprised that people seemed to have a beef with me.

What where the 'unspeakables' you mention above that you raised during the meeting? Were they by any chance unduly harsh and you didn't realise it? Did other people get hurt too? Is it a male dominated work place?

Ime, especially at work, what goes around comes around.

Harsh play

It sounds like a badly set up exercise to me. Who was the facilitator? How did they respond when you cried? They don't sound skilled in facilitating a positive environment for growth.

Sounds like the meeting was very poorly handled. Start documenting everything they do OP because it sounds as if there could be a bit of a bullying culture where you work.

I have cried at work. My ex boss locked me in his office and screamed at me until I cried, because I would not sell unnecessary medical devices to people who did not need them. It was the impetus I needed to leave and start up on my own.

I know santa but it's no use saying ahhh poor you if op speaks about retaliation wrt criticism at work, it sounds a bit unprofessional and not constructive to me.

Having worked in a very competitive and tough job before, I know that, without meaning to, even the nicest people often gradually adopt a harsh and bitchy communication style, which is probably a survival mechanism.

"What goes I around comes around" - I have seen this time and time again. Not so much in a 'Buddhist' / karma sense but people feeling slighted, not speaking out because they feel it's not their place or could have repercussions and holding on to grudges, waiting for the right moment to "retaliate".

I cried a few months ago in front of my boss. I was so embarrassed but life carried on and things have got better since then, and there has been a positive change.

Did anything positive come out of it for you?

@Piscivorus

"Criticism should always be constructive in my opinion."

Nice idea in theory but sometimes the failings of an individual/team/department can’t be sugar coated if those failings are jeopardising the project and by extension the company. I work in engineering, specifically oil and gas and at the end of a project we have several ‘lessons learned’ workshops where we identify the areas where we did not perform properly and try and use the feedback to ensure that we avoid making the same mistakes again. Most of the time these sessions can be considered non-confrontational and ‘constructive’ criticism is the order of the day. Unfortunately there are times when some people have f*cked up so badly by not following standard company procedures or making a string of exceptionally bad calls despite repeated warnings from their peers and management that nothing short of an absolute roasting will get the message through that it is unacceptable. Not sure at all if the OP deserved the criticism that was levelled at her but I have been in situations in the past when my life was made infinitely harder then it needed to be due to the failure of others to do their job properly. I don’t like having to explain to clients why we have not delivered what we said we would due to the incompetence of an individual or a team, I don’t like having to work late to correct the mistakes of others, I don’t like clients thinking we are a bunch idiots due to those failures, I don’t like the prospect of losing future long term work to competitors because we cant be trusted to deliver what we promised on time, on budget and to their satisfaction.

Early in my career I got an absolute bollocking in front of the engineering team after I screwed up, it was an avoidable error that I was too lazy to check at the time, I was horrified at the time and felt awful for weeks afterwards. Never made a mistake like that again though!

'Shitty' is not constructive feedback and if I were to hear that one of my departments were 'shitty', I'd ignore it if they were not able to give me specific reasons.

'I feel your department are shitty BECAUSE they don't respond in a timely manner to emails'

'I feel your department are shitty BECAUSE the solutions they offer are rarely right and they don't seem to care about the outcome'

I'd drill down and see if they can offer concrete examples and in a way, use this as an opportunity. You now know that there are people who believe that there are problems in your area - OK, so it sounds like the forum was completely inappropriate and badly managed, but perhaps you should be proactive, email the people who perceive there to be problems and say 'After the workshops, it became clear that you felt there were issues in my department. I'd really appreciate some of your time so we can go through these on a more granular level and would be grateful if you could give me as many examples as possible to ensure I am able to pass this feedback on and focus my attention on anything that requires immediate remediation.'

Saying someone is 'lazy /not a teamworker / unhelpful' is not constructive feedback unless specific examples are given, the same with your team is 'shitty / crap / annoying' - Drill down and find out WHY they feel that way.

People cry as we're human, don't feel like a twat - most of us have cried at a bad moment in our lives.

The thing is I have done a group coaching qualification, and that set p will have done more harm than good. Taking no account of personal dynamics and egos is very dangerous for long term success of an organisation. I'm keen to know WHO was facilitating, and what was their agenda!

Playforeverandever

you raise some good questions. My main need to retaliate was there was a spiteful and vindictive air to how this chap adressed it. I know he has some major incompletions from last year, and it felt like me made me his scapegoat. I need to forgive him, and I dont have it in me right now

the other chap, I am fine with. I emailed him today to say no worries, and asked when he has time for a call to discuss and adress his feedback

But I get it, I do

I need to take responsibility, and its so hard when your self esteem is battered!!!!

CuChullain

we work similar sector to yours, I would embrace a frank and open "lessons learned" session, this was not that unfortunately!!!

bordellosboheme

Its a coaching style very closely linked to the transformational techniques of the Landmark forum. Nuff said!!!!! the faciliator is power hungry, and quite intimidating in their resolve